The Official Website for Carol Margaret Tetlow
In the olden days we used to visit all new mums when they went home from hospital.
'What a lovely baby,' I said admiringly. 'What have you called her?'
'Sofia,' came the reply.
'oh thats nice! Why did you choose that name.'
'Because she was conceived behind the sofa.'
My student attachment in psychiatry was not my finest hour but memorable none the less for several reasons.
1) we had to video ourselves interviewing a patient. Mine blew a raspberry at the camera and ran out of the room
2) I made the mistake of beating the head consultant at tennis and compounding the issue when I laughed when a bird flew over and pooed on him (memo to others-
3) On the Queen's birthday, one of my friends who was doing his training through the army, arrived in full uniform, only to be mistaken for a patient
4) A patient, who assured us that they had developed a cube with seven sides and was going to sell this in motorway service stations, seemed to be improving and was allowed weekend leave, whereupon relatives had the brilliant idea of taking them to see the film Towering Inferno, which you will recall is all about a skyscraper on fire. Guess what, the next week, the hospital had to be evacuated because of a fire started in a waste paper bin. Well, it doesn't take a genius to work out who was responsible for that.......
Message to patients from the doctors and practice manager
Please display in all waiting areas and at reception.
We are all as aware as you are that Christmas is approaching fast.
Please order your repeat prescriptions as early as possible to avoid a last minute rush and the worry that you will run out at a time of year when there are plenty of other things to worry about anyway.
Only order what is appropriate. Extra requests for indigestion remedies and headache tablets will not be viewed kindly unless there is good reason.
There are extra appointments available each day for people who need to be seen quickly. We are aware that there is an influenza like bug doing the rounds at the moment. Please see our website for plenty of self help advice.
We do our best BUT
1) we cannot guarantee that you and all your family will be well at Christmas
2) just because you or one of your family were ill last Christmas, it doesn't mean that you will naturally be exempt this year
3) please remove the giblets in their plastic bag from the turkey before cooking`
4) coming in to see us because you think you might be going to be ill as you feel a bit off colour and some antibiotics might effect an immediate cure is not a good idea. Why not try a telephone consultation first if you are in any doubt?
5) if it snows, it is no easier for us to get to you than it is for you to get to us so please try not to ask for a house call unless it is really necessary.
6) although the surgery will be closed for the Bank Holidays, the usual emergency on call services will be available. Normal service will be resumed on Tuesday 29th December.
May we take this opportunity to wish you all a very happy Christmas and peaceful New Year.
Dear Doc Britton,
Firstly apologies for not being in touch sooner. We've been busy getting ready for Christmas and Mrs Wottle has kept me occupied every moment of the day with one of her lists. I told her that the amount of shopping she made me carry, made me list to one side.
How we laughed.
Please find enclosed eleven home made mince pies (I'm afraid I ate one as I walked to the surgery to hand them in),
A urine sample marked clearly as mine because I got up to pee seven times last night (sorry, the coffee jar was the only receptacle I could find).
A note from the foot lady to say she thinks one of Mrs W's corns is infected
Some back copies of 'Knit, don't knot' and 'Tropical Fish Weekly' which we have finished with and we're sure your patients will enjoy reading (though we don't mind if you docs want to read them first)
A box of Cadbury's Heroes for that is surely what you all are.
See you tomorrow -
Please can we discuss my rash that has come back. It's driving me mad.
Thank you for a year of excellent care.
W Wottle Esq
A tale to warm even the hardest of hearts.
I looked after a large number of little old ladies. The vast majority of them were wonderful. As was this one, who whenever she had asked for a house call would bake biscuits for me to have for lunch (and very good they were too). She had the most awful arthritis in her feet, toes curling, overlapping, fallen arches, deformity and bunions and a lot else as well. I had arranged for her to have some special orthopaedic shoes made, just for her.
On one visit, seeing some pairs of ordinary shoes by the door, I asked her how she was getting on with her special shoes.
'Oh, I've given them to my neighbour, dear. They fit her nicely and now she can walk to the shops,'
An act of pure selflessness. And I got her another pair for herself -
Some Christmas Day memories -
There was a family who, without fail, put cotton wool along all their inside windowsills, to look like snow on the 1st Dec every year. Unfortunately they then forgot to dust, so by the 25th, its was dark grey.
One Christmas when I was on call and out and about all day, the only family to wish me Happy Christmas was an Asian one who I visited at half past six in the evening -
The poor man who had come to visit his daughter, and collapsed with a heart attack and died.
The party goer who swallowed a cherry tomato which got stuck in his gullet, which meant he spent Christmas in hospital.
The elderly lady who tried to escape from her nursing home.
The woman in police custody standing on her head, completely naked (don't dwell too long on this image)
The vomiting baby surrounded by its teenage parents and their mates, all drunk at 1030 in the morning.
Being asked to carve the turkey on the postnatal ward but missing out because I was doing a Caesarian section.
Doing an on call session with flu, significantly worse than nearly all the patients.
The teenage girl who refused to open her presents, so her parents called the doctor.
I could go on......
The Teviotdale Medical Centre would like to take this opportunity to wish all their staff, patients and their wonderful followers a happy Christmas and a healthy New Year (weight reduction classes start on Jan 4th).
Dear Doc Britton,
These Bank Holidays have completely bamboozled me and I cannot remember when my appointment with you is this week. Please could you ask the receptionists to give me a ring with time and date. Thanks.
Hope you and yours have had a good Christmas.
Mrs Wottle and I did. We even asked Mr and Mrs Wasnian round for some peasant soup (one of Mrs Wottle's specialities -
How Mrs Wottle and I laughed. You might need to have a look in his ears next time you see him!
We had extra crackers as they didn't stay to break bread with us so I've got some really good jokes to tell you in the coming weeks.
Time for a mince pie, then turkey foor dinner(again). Mrs Wottle says I gobble my food too quickly.
How we laughed -
Yours patiently and with the greatest respect
W Wottle Esq
PS can you help with 6 down in the Jumbo crossword? 8 letters -
I never worked many New Year's Eves, choosing to work Christmas instead, so that colleagues with young families could have the time off. But one does come to mind.
I was an orthopaedic registrar in a busy city. Like any other, the city centre was the place to be to see the New Year in and much partying took place with people becoming more and more drunk, falling over, hurting themselves and ending up in the Emergency Department.
As Christmas approached, I realised with horror that I was on call on New Year's Eve, which meant that I would be the most senior orthopaedic doctor in the hospital. Colleages regaled me with the most appalling stories of previous New Year's Eves, the terrible accidents that happened, the 100% guarantee of no sleep whatsoever. The worst night of the year to be on call by a mile. My heart sank when I saw that the consultant who I would have to call in from home was the most disageeable, irascible bloke in the department who had made his feelings quite plain on the fact that I ( a mere girlie, thus lesser species) had been given the job.
The day started off well as I was surrounded by support. As evening approached, this support dwindled rapidly and soon only the patients and the poor doctors who had drawn the short straw were left manning the hospital.
The junior doctor on call for orthopaedics and I had dinner together in a very empty dining room. I was clock watching, counting the hours until 0800 the next morning. He wondered why I wasn't eating much. I tried to look confident.
The evening passed and the midnight hour approached. I was steeling myself for eight hours of mayhem, blood, broken bones, bad head injuries and a sleepless night in the operating theatre.
Just after midnight, I went back to my room to get something. I was shattered from being nervous -
I lay on the bed, heart thumping, pulse racing, palms sweating, I mean glowing............and then.........
I woke up and it was 0805!
Nobody could believe it. Such a quiet night had never happened before! yey! Result!
Needless to say, although I enjoyed orthopaedics, largely thanks to the consultant I worked for, it never tempted me as a speciality to pursue.
Happy New Year to all my readers. Here's to a wonderful, peaceful and prosperous 2016. My new novel should be coming soon, so watch this space. There is also some frantic thumping going on on the laptop and my current novel is reaching its exciting conclusion.
Thank you so much, all of you xx