The Official Website  for Carol Margaret Tetlow

October 2nd

Extract from The New Way to Train Your Dog - a collaborative work by Ms Vi Merana, Herr Dale-Terrier and Bernie Smountain-Dogg. On sale now at all good bookshops and pet shops.

Page 1478 (it is a very long book) 'do not, under any circumstances let your dogs eat their beds. Any signs of aberrant behaviour must be thwarted immediately and punishments dealt out appropriately. This may involve withholding gravy bones.'

Page 3561 'your dogs running amok around the house, moving all the furniture, including the sofa, doing skid turns on the duvet and leaping eight feet in the air is not permitting, even when there is an orange pipe cleaner to be fought over.

October 3rd

Further extract from The New Way to Train Your Dog (see yesterday)

Chapter 53 -What to do when your peep isn't feeling 100%

Going back to bed is defeatist -make sure you sit on the bed and prevent it.

Provide entertainment with cushion juggling.

Eat light carefully prepared invalid snacks when nobody's looking.

Ignore the hacking cough and offer sympathetic paw when patient turns purple. Reassure that it is anatomically impossible to dislocate throat, even though it might well feel like it.

Approach other peep (the well one watching rubgy) when you want your tea. Stand in front of TV set to get his full attention and if that doesn't work, sit on his knee -three dogs at a time is best for maximum effect.

Encourage lots of fluids. If patient fails to drink them then knock the glasses over with a well placed tail. The result will cool down hot sweats.

Prohibit sausage consumption - the best way to do this is to eat them. This prevents temptation.

When patient is just dropping off into a snooze mid pm - bark at a worm in the garden.

Insist that invalid does not make her dogs do their homework. Their job today is to comfort and support.

If all else fails, play crocodiles, really loudly and really vigorously - a quick recovery is guaranteed as the invalid has to get up and safe what is left of her house...…

October 5th

e had 14 peeps for lunch yesterday! No, we didn't eat them, they came to visit and were fed and watered by the female peep and entertained by us! Having lurched from her sick bed, the female peep put on a splendid display of hostess with the mostest for all of a few minutes before wilting dramatically and retreating to a corner.

As we often do, when peeps visit, we played a really, really good game where we epitomise perfect behaviour. We mingled, didn't beg for food, didn't sit on anyone's knee, didn't hog the sofa so nobody could sit down, didn't play crocodiles (until right at the very end when being good any longer was just too much for us - we mean - we'd managed it for a good ten minutes or so. Phew!)

At one point we were ........wait for it.......shut outside! Left outside to shiver in the glorious sunshine, with only our own hovel, which has its own heating for shelter! But luckily, Rufus has a knack of jumping over the gate, so kept wriggling his way back in before returning to us to keep us informed of events. He brought us snacks too..................but ate them on the way.

We particularly enjoyed the quiche and the egg sandwiches, of which there were rather a lot (great minds obviously all think of egg mayonnaise when it comes to sandwich fillings) and the pate on french bread was delectable.

Peeps were speechless when they heard we were only one year old. They had never seen such maturity in dogs so young. The female peep wept a bit at this point - she said it was because no one ever sees us at our worst, like she does, but we think it was because it was time for her tablets.

After everyone had gone, there was no need to get out the hoover because Jester had been under the table the whole time and the floor was so spotless, we could've eaten our dinner off it!

Team work at its best.

Ms Vi Merana - for once, you'd have been proud of us.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS who swapped this photo for the one of us looking angelic?

October 10th

The secret imaginary diary of Hector and!

We've been to a dog show! There were only 41,893 dogs in the class for very very very best dog in the world. The crowd was at least 15 deep as peeps craned their necks and used periscopes to see what was happening, agog (or adog) with excitement.

Slowly, dogs were eliminated as they failed to sit, lie down, stay, walk to heel and gallop down the tunnel of terrier!

Finally there were only six of us and we were told that the next round was general knowledge!

Luckily we knew the answers to

1) what is bone shaped and tastes of gravy?

2) what starts with C, ends with T and likes to be chased? (one dog answered carrot -how silly!)

3) what do you call a walk where you go swimming?

4) Who is the most terrifying dog teacher in the universe?

So then it was just us! Try as they might, we were inseparable so they decided that the fairest thing was for us to share the trophy and have a rosette each! See photo!

What a day!

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS -this is Jester here- those young whippetsnappers have borrowed a donkey trophy and two rosettes! They've been at home all day, annoying me....….

October 11th

A soliloquy by a naughty dog called Hector. You will need tissues for this one

I'm standing in the corner,

Dunce's cap upon my head

I've been here now since yesterday

I didn't go to bed.

My tears are flowing thick and fast

I'm really very sorry

I'm not allowed to speak to Ben

Or even to watch Corrie.

My sobs of sorrow echo round

The room, but no-one comes

I havent eaten all day long

Not even mouldy crumbs.

Even Mr Kipling came

To see where I'd gone astray

And when he heard, he shook his head

And stomped the other way.

The male peep's very angry

He raised his voice to me

And told me off and shouted

While he was having tea.

He was watching rugby

I thought it was mine to take

That luscious, juicy morsel

Known as a rib eye steak.

I sneakily removed it

While someone scored a try

And gobbled it up so quickly

And licked my lips up dry.

I'm hoping that the female peep

Who thought it very funny

Will comfort me and make me feel

My world again is sunny.

Oooooh! Here she comes with gravy bones! Yippee!

October 16th

The very secret innermost thoughts of Jester

Those terrible boys think they're having a lark

When really all they do is bark and bark.

They chase around and make a mess

They drive me bonkers, I do confess.

Their rampant playing annoys the peeps

And prohibits me getting my beauty sleeps.

They jump on sofas, beds and chairs,

The only thing they don't do is go upstairs (and that's cos we live in a bungalow)

They try to sniff my derriere (which is not on)

And leave cushion stuffing everywhere.

The only thing that makes them cower

Is when I give my special glower

And growl and snarl - a scary rendition

Coupled with the sight of my yellowing dentition.

Harrumph. A girl needs some p and q.

Love and licks a disgruntled Jester xxxxxx

October 21st

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus...................not for peeps' eyes

We have a little secret,

We'd like to share with you

Next time you're out walking

Roll in some badger poo.

No matter how many baths are tried

How many soaps are used

The smell will linger several days

The peeps won't be amused.

No perfumes or air fresheners

Will have you smell of roses

But there's something rather funny

About peeps with clothes pegs on their noses.

However the last laugh is ours

And we can't wait to be there when

The peeps find out it wasn't us

The culprit this time's Ben!

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

October 25th

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus........what's wrong with this picture?

Oh no! The male peep has secretly been studying magic at Dogwarts School of wizardry and witchery. He was practising this morning while we were on the sofa with Ben and he suddenly waved his arms about a lot while holding a twig from the garden, uttered 'Labracadabra' and pooooof! Hector disappeared!!!!!

Will he ever come back or has he been consigned to a life as a cat?

Watch this space.......

Love and licks Rufus and a purr from Hector xxxxxxx

The Secret Diaries of Hector and Rufus October 2015