The Official Website for Carol Margaret Tetlow
Extract from The New Way to Train Your Dog -
Page 1478 (it is a very long book) 'do not, under any circumstances let your dogs eat their beds. Any signs of aberrant behaviour must be thwarted immediately and punishments dealt out appropriately. This may involve withholding gravy bones.'
Page 3561 'your dogs running amok around the house, moving all the furniture, including the sofa, doing skid turns on the duvet and leaping eight feet in the air is not permitting, even when there is an orange pipe cleaner to be fought over.
Further extract from The New Way to Train Your Dog (see yesterday)
Chapter 53 -
Going back to bed is defeatist -
Provide entertainment with cushion juggling.
Eat light carefully prepared invalid snacks when nobody's looking.
Ignore the hacking cough and offer sympathetic paw when patient turns purple. Reassure that it is anatomically impossible to dislocate throat, even though it might well feel like it.
Approach other peep (the well one watching rubgy) when you want your tea. Stand in front of TV set to get his full attention and if that doesn't work, sit on his knee -
Encourage lots of fluids. If patient fails to drink them then knock the glasses over with a well placed tail. The result will cool down hot sweats.
Prohibit sausage consumption -
When patient is just dropping off into a snooze mid pm -
Insist that invalid does not make her dogs do their homework. Their job today is to comfort and support.
If all else fails, play crocodiles, really loudly and really vigorously -
e had 14 peeps for lunch yesterday! No, we didn't eat them, they came to visit and were fed and watered by the female peep and entertained by us! Having lurched from her sick bed, the female peep put on a splendid display of hostess with the mostest for all of a few minutes before wilting dramatically and retreating to a corner.
As we often do, when peeps visit, we played a really, really good game where we epitomise perfect behaviour. We mingled, didn't beg for food, didn't sit on anyone's knee, didn't hog the sofa so nobody could sit down, didn't play crocodiles (until right at the very end when being good any longer was just too much for us -
At one point we were ........wait for it.......shut outside! Left outside to shiver in the glorious sunshine, with only our own hovel, which has its own heating for shelter! But luckily, Rufus has a knack of jumping over the gate, so kept wriggling his way back in before returning to us to keep us informed of events. He brought us snacks too..................but ate them on the way.
We particularly enjoyed the quiche and the egg sandwiches, of which there were rather a lot (great minds obviously all think of egg mayonnaise when it comes to sandwich fillings) and the pate on french bread was delectable.
Peeps were speechless when they heard we were only one year old. They had never seen such maturity in dogs so young. The female peep wept a bit at this point -
After everyone had gone, there was no need to get out the hoover because Jester had been under the table the whole time and the floor was so spotless, we could've eaten our dinner off it!
Team work at its best.
Ms Vi Merana -
Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
PS who swapped this photo for the one of us looking angelic?
The secret imaginary diary of Hector and Rufus..........winners!
We've been to a dog show! There were only 41,893 dogs in the class for very very very best dog in the world. The crowd was at least 15 deep as peeps craned their necks and used periscopes to see what was happening, agog (or adog) with excitement.
Slowly, dogs were eliminated as they failed to sit, lie down, stay, walk to heel and gallop down the tunnel of terrier!
Finally there were only six of us and we were told that the next round was general knowledge!
Luckily we knew the answers to
1) what is bone shaped and tastes of gravy?
2) what starts with C, ends with T and likes to be chased? (one dog answered carrot -
3) what do you call a walk where you go swimming?
4) Who is the most terrifying dog teacher in the universe?
So then it was just us! Try as they might, we were inseparable so they decided that the fairest thing was for us to share the trophy and have a rosette each! See photo!
What a day!
Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
A soliloquy by a naughty dog called Hector. You will need tissues for this one
I'm standing in the corner,
Dunce's cap upon my head
I've been here now since yesterday
I didn't go to bed.
My tears are flowing thick and fast
I'm really very sorry
I'm not allowed to speak to Ben
Or even to watch Corrie.
My sobs of sorrow echo round
The room, but no-
I havent eaten all day long
Not even mouldy crumbs.
Even Mr Kipling came
To see where I'd gone astray
And when he heard, he shook his head
And stomped the other way.
The male peep's very angry
He raised his voice to me
And told me off and shouted
While he was having tea.
He was watching rugby
I thought it was mine to take
That luscious, juicy morsel
Known as a rib eye steak.
I sneakily removed it
While someone scored a try
And gobbled it up so quickly
And licked my lips up dry.
I'm hoping that the female peep
Who thought it very funny
Will comfort me and make me feel
My world again is sunny.
Oooooh! Here she comes with gravy bones! Yippee!
The very secret innermost thoughts of Jester
Those terrible boys think they're having a lark
When really all they do is bark and bark.
They chase around and make a mess
They drive me bonkers, I do confess.
Their rampant playing annoys the peeps
And prohibits me getting my beauty sleeps.
They jump on sofas, beds and chairs,
The only thing they don't do is go upstairs (and that's cos we live in a bungalow)
They try to sniff my derriere (which is not on)
And leave cushion stuffing everywhere.
The only thing that makes them cower
Is when I give my special glower
And growl and snarl -
Coupled with the sight of my yellowing dentition.
Harrumph. A girl needs some p and q.
Love and licks a disgruntled Jester xxxxxx
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus...................not for peeps' eyes
We have a little secret,
We'd like to share with you
Next time you're out walking
Roll in some badger poo.
No matter how many baths are tried
How many soaps are used
The smell will linger several days
The peeps won't be amused.
No perfumes or air fresheners
Will have you smell of roses
But there's something rather funny
About peeps with clothes pegs on their noses.
However the last laugh is ours
And we can't wait to be there when
The peeps find out it wasn't us
The culprit this time's Ben!
Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus........what's wrong with this picture?
Oh no! The male peep has secretly been studying magic at Dogwarts School of wizardry and witchery. He was practising this morning while we were on the sofa with Ben and he suddenly waved his arms about a lot while holding a twig from the garden, uttered 'Labracadabra' and pooooof! Hector disappeared!!!!!
Will he ever come back or has he been consigned to a life as a cat?
Watch this space.......
Love and licks Rufus and a purr from Hector xxxxxxx
The Secret Diaries of Hector and Rufus October 2015