The Official Website for Carol Margaret Tetlow
The Secret Diaries of Hector and Rufus October 2014
2 October at 17:59 · iOS ·
The secret diary of Jo the Po......ny
Good evening. I have been asked to fill in for the usual diarists, Hector and Rufus, who mysteriously disappeared early this morning when the word 'school' was mentioned. It didn't help when they heard that Billy Ellison has been granted a whole term's grace before he has to start.
Ben did volunteer to share his mental meanderings but sadly is in disgrace having indulged in a vigorous all over roly poly with some fox poo. It's good for the complexion apparently.
I am much better than those puppies! I live happily in the field with my half-
I do not poop in the house ( though I do a lot of that outside), steal things off the worktop or chase around playing crocodiles with my teeth snapping together.
I even smile for photographs!
The search is on for Hector and Rufus and we're hopeful that they will be found soon.
October 3rd at 20:47 ·
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus, two pupils in year one at school......
Readers, we cannot tell a lie. We were terrified. We didn't want to get into the car and we definitely did not want to get out of it when it stopped. We cowered in our lovely cage, willing the peeps to go out for a meal in the restaurant that we parked by but they didn't. We were hauled out by our leads and taken into this hall with a very slippery floor. There are nine dogs in our class plus a Pomeranian puppy who is teeny tiny and wears a high viz jacket-
Hector went with the female peep, I went with the male one. We quickly discovered they had treats in their pockets and Ms Vi Merana had a bowl of chopped sausage that she kept on giving out.
We were very introverted and when Hector was asked to retrieve a toy, he shook and wouldn't leave the female peep's legs. Not a good advert for the labrador. The slippery floor was a help because when none of us wanted to move, we were slid into position. So by the end of the class the floor was very shiny!
By the end of the class we were a bit more confident and Rufus was sitting very well. Ms Merana was quite pleased with us, considering it was our first time. She's very strict, wields a large stick and growls loudly.
We have made new friends. Troy, the Hungarian Vizla is amazing-
The amount of homework we have to do is terrifying. Sit, stay, come round, heel, give, make a cup of tea, do the shopping-
We left the hall with the shiny floor at a gallop and leapt into the car. We got gravy bone treats and now we must have a sleep as it was all so stressful. We are hoping very much that we don't have to go back, we've grasped the basics and we are quick learners but the peeps are already talking about 'next time' so we're not holding our breath.
Love and licks H&R xxxx
Ps Billy Ellison, don't let them do this to you!
October 6th at 20.06pm
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus
A sepia photo of when we were younger ( but had extended the two tier seating system to the kitchen) as today has been grey and lashing with rain, thus unsuitable for photography plus we didn't feel like sitting still.We are not used to this wet and got very worried when the female peep said perhaps we shouldn't go out as, on account of our youth, we might catch a chill. Luckily, the speed with which we jumped in the car convinced her otherwise and off we all went to the river where we met......nobody at all! We can't think why; we were drenched after the first 50 metres and we hadn't even been in the river. It was great fun.
The female peep is very boring in the wet weather. She goes tippy tap on her laptop all day, occasionally getting up for a cuppa or something to eat. So, we have had to make our own amusements. Carrier bags are quite good to tear up, cats are good to chase and cat food is good to eat, especially the crunchy bits.
Our more serious worry is that it is looking likely that we will be at the centre of a custody battle in divorce proceedings. The male and female peep, since school, have become fiercely competitive and either one of us keeps being dragged outside to practice in secret. We see trouble ahead. Neither is a good loser.
This battle for supremacy has addled the female peep's brain. Today she offered us a piece of sausage that she was eating. So generous. It looked like sausage, had taken the same length of time to cook but it was.....ugh....yuk...aaaagh....vegetarian sausage! Sacrilege we say! We spat it across the floor in a befitting manner. We are real dogs and like real men, need real meat!
Please send, urgently....
Love and wags H&R xxx
The secret diary of Professors Hectorrr and Rrrrrufus,
Goot efening, our friends.
Goink to school has sharpened our thirst for knowledge and today we haf conducted an experiment of ze greatest importance, testing ze IQ of ze peeps like no ozzer test.
Cripes we can't carry on in that language plus the iPad hates it!.
Today, at the height of our naughty selves what did we do? We swapped collars to see if the male peep noticed! Such fun! He was completely fooled for the whole day. Unknowingly he took Hector out for a training session and constantly called Rufus, Hector and vice versa.
We thought at one point that he'd sussed out what we were up to when he commented that it was unusual for Rufus to be cuddling up to Ben as it's normally Hector that does this( and indeed it was on this occasion). He also gave us one or two funny looks but we stopped what we were doing, assumed expressions of total innocence and returned to playing crocodiles before he had a chance to think.
We conclude that the experiment was a total success so we can't wait to do it again.
Here's a photo. Which one of us is it?????
Love and licks H&R
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus,
In accordance with Ms Vi Merana's words of wisdom, the peeps have been seeking ways to further our education but as you can see from this little video we still prefer to eat each other instead of playing with our train set, teaset or even our Pippa Pig sticker book.
Evil rumours abound that we have to go to school tomorrow. Again? Why. We did that last week.
On the whole, even though we say this ourselves, we have been models of virtue and good behaviour over the last 48 hours and could open our own school. Other than a brief return to our childhood yesterday when it was raining and we were bored (we ate a sock, pooped in the spare room, beheaded a raccoon and ate a sandal) we genuinely have been quite perfect.
We have a visitor this weekend, Noah,2 and this is every puppy's dream because we can blame him for everything
October 11th at 18:00
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus....
You won't believe this dear readers but this photo was taken today. I took it of Rufus and Ben. How tiny does Rufus look?
This is what school has done to us, reduced us to mere shadows of ourselves and if Ms Vi Merana looks at me one more time and growls 'I'm watching you"' which she did on many occasions yesterday evening, then I will have to play truant and hide in the barn.
We were actually quite excited to go; we jumped into the car and jumped out at the other end and happily went into the church hall where our friends were waiting. It looked to us as though not too many of them had been doing their homework...unlike us. The uncontrollable husky was as wild as ever, the bendy and dizzy retriever spent the whole class lying on her back wagging her tail.
We were doing quite well until it was revealed that the Pomeranian puppy(still in high viz vest) is in fact a chihuahua and from then on it was all down hill. A huge wolf barked at us, slobber flailing from its mouth, fangs glistening in the artificial light. Was there a full moon, we asked ourselves? We were terrified....
Then the owners were told to swap dogs and we lay down and cried at the sight of the female peep with Bobby the Wheaten terrier and the male peep with the upside down retriever (who was no better for him than his owner). So after that we had given up. We refused to 'fetch' our favourite toys and slid along the floor rather than walk to heel. An hour is a long time for a puppy to concentrate.
Today we have been playing with Noah aged 2 who is quite good fun but won't share his sausages and Peppa Pig pasta shapes with us, which is a bit much so we're going off to play crocodiles in the lounge and drown out the rugby-
Licks and love H&R xxx
October 12th at 16:32 · iOS ·
The secret diary of the very mischievous Hector and Rufus
Still flushed with success following the swapping collars episode, which totally baffled the male peep, we have come up with an equally good jape. It's so good in fact that we suspect that nobody will cotton on. Dear readers will look at the photo and think, what a lovely snap, such handsome dogs, possibly, where's Jester? One or two more of the more observant may fret about Hector's apparent lack of growth and development. Is he ill again? Is Rufus eating for two?
The more observant may look twice....
The male peep has just stroked all the dogs in the photo and promised them a walk. He'll get a shock when one doesn't want to get off the sofa!
However we are hoping that we can bluff our way round this small hurdle and continue our fiendish deception until Friday when our new small friend can go to school on our behalf. If this works, we will buy another one. Job done! No more school for us! Please don't tell......
Apart from this we have spent the weekend behaving perfectly. Our friend Noah has gone home now after entertaining us. We particularly liked the bit where he climbed out of the travel cot and hid under the bed-
H&R sending licks and wags xxx
October 15th at 16:56 (a message from the female peep)
Dear Ms Vi Merana,
I am sorry but Rufus will not be able to attend school on Friday. He sustained a twisting injury to one of his front legs two days ago and has been limping since. This morning he was particularly subdued so I took him to the vet. I had to confess that, since getting up, he had only executed 55 laps of the interior of the house at a gallop and run along the back of the sofa whereas normally he would have done 63 laps of the house. The vet ( he is German, Herr Dale-
The diagnosis was one of severe strain. Anti-
It is such a shame that he cannot attend as he has been coming on a treat with his homework and would have amazed you with his progress.
FAO the parents of Rufus Tetlow....
It has come to light that Rufus' attendance record is nothing less than appalling. We suspect hypochondria ( I have discussed the situation with Professor Belle-
Make sure you bring Hector on Friday, or else. We cannot give refunds.
October 17th at 20.30.
The secret diary of Hector, Rufus cannot write as he still has a sore leg
The female peep and I have just got back from school. It seemed strange without Rufus but yippee, Troy the Vizla who can pee when he is upside down was there, along with the uncontrollable husky and the wolf, who barked at me and slavered in a hungry way. Also the bendy retriever who threw herself at my front paws in a rather suggestive way. But I know nothing about such things of course as I am too little. Vi had brought sausages for us all, yum!
We did our usual exercises and then.....Vi put out a jump, two hoops and a tunnel to build our confidence! Lots of dogs were scared of the tunnel which was long and blue and wobbly but I loved it all and leapt over the jump and through the hoops and then bounded down the tunnel and everyone was very impressed. I got extra sausage for that. Vi said I was the best Labrador in the class. Hang on, I was the only Labrador in the class.......
Much as I love my brother, I think I like school better without him. But it was good to come home and play chase ( not that that is much good for bad legs, so we're told).
No school next week, it's half term or something but we've lots of homework (sigh).
Off to find my bone now and settle down and belch sausage-
Yours, a very well behaved dog, Hector xxxxx
October 18th at 16.00
The secret grumblings of Hector and Rufus, adorable, though we say it ourselves...
We do not understand book signings but are pleased to hear that the manager at Waterstones says we must go too next time. The peeps came back looking very happy......this quickly disappeared when they found that we have been doing a scientific experiment on our new beds to find out what they are stuffed with. Well, they shouldn't leave us for so long.
But we're so glad they're back, we've helped put the donkeys beds down, had a drink out of all the water troughs and are now replete and back on the sofa, which is where we should be, ready for Strictly Come Dancing.
Love and licks H&R x
October 19th at 19:00 ·
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus, nearly six months old now, but none the wiser (we are very wise already)
Deserted for another day while the peeps went to Countryside Live and spent money on collapsible bowls and wandered around looking at ferrets in hammocks and dogs doing agility (oh, no, please don't even suggest it), we have decided that we need a plan to ensure that this neglect does not continue any longer.
Like all blue sky thinkers, we have brainstormed and come up with two options.
Be cute, adorable and adoring, adhere ourselves to the peeps' legs and gaze up at them, emulating sadness. Whimper regularly, howl if need be, and put out a solitary paw, pleading for attention. Eat up all crumbs on the floor, lick clean our dinner bowls and leave them where they were placed and then lie like matching bookends in cute sites, such as the sofa and the floor or lawn. Do not ask for treats or leftovers. Make it known that there is no need to go for a walk as we can tell the peeps are tired. Kiss the cats (ugh!)
So, here is today's question. Which one did we choose?
Love H&R xxx
October 21st at 17:57 · iOS ·
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus, perturbed....
Having difficulties loading photos tonight, we don't know why but apologise in advance.
Always of a generous disposition we thought we'd post some photos of Mr Kipling and Tilly. Actually they threatened to cut off our supply of mouse carcasses and not take the blame for any mess in the house, so we had to go along with their evil wishes.
Hang on! That's not a labrador! Who is that sitting on our (one of our) sofas? Looking so at home. Hmmmm, closer investigation is required. Oh! It's our chum Monty, who has come to stay while his family go to Portugal. We have been the hosts with the most, followed him everywhere, played in the garden (he doesn't do chase like we do, but give him a few days and he will), given him tea, which he gobbled up and now we are eating the giant chew bone which he brought with him, while he helps the male peep in the study.
It's been a day of visitors. This morning we 'helped' the men who had come to mend the leak in the conservatory window and then we 'helped' the man who came to service the boiler. They all looked really pleased that we were there and we learned several new words(which the female peep has banned us from using in polite company).
It's very windy here and our ears have been blowing in the gusts of wind. Been a bit scary if we're honest.
Love & licks H&R xxx
October 22nd at 17.00
The secret diary of Rufus and Hector
Shhhhh, the male peep in unwell with man flu and Dr Ben has been called in to announce his diagnosis and prognosis. Hector suspects distemper, I am leaning more towards blocked earwax, which of course could result in bad temper. We certainly saw some hints of that when we jumped on top of him in bed, to ask tenderly how he was. Nor did he appreciate us snuggling down next to him and then wriggling and rolling to get comfy and acquire most of the duvet, followed by some very necessary snuffling and contented grunting.
We await Dr Ben's pronouncements. He is with the patient now. It's a claw biting moment. Here he comes now....
It's dog pox! Oh no!
Luckily the cure is straightforward, a large tea (the female peep says has anyone noticed how men never lose their appetite when they're ill?), a good night's sleep and then a very very long walk by the river, with optional swim and of course, with us.
We make anyone feel better!
Love & licks H&R xx
October 23rd at 16:35 ·
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus, no, Rufus and Hector, very nearly six months old (so should know better)
Reasons to be cheerful-
Last night, Monty jumped onto the bed (he sleeps indoors because he's a visitor. Us residents have to huddle together in the cold, windswept kennel, hoping against hope that it doesn't rain as there are so many leaks in the roof. Only one old rag to use as a blanket between us. Are you getting the idea?) Anyway,back to Monty, who snuggled down and lay very still between the male and female peep, thinking he would get away with it-
So it was a sleepy female peep who took us out this morning and made the huge mistake of taking us for a walk round the stagnant lagoon, where crocodiles lurk beneath the muddy waters and the pong is reminiscent of a chemical experiment that went wrong. Of course, Ben had to have a birthday swim and so did Hector (I, Rufus, was at home being nursemaid) and so did Jester. When they came out, Ben and Hector were still black but guess what! Jester was black too! How's that for a conjuring trick? She is so clever....
We still can't work out why we all had to have a bath.......
We are looking forward to birthday tea. Ben got a turkey as a present (see photos) so that's one that's been saved from Thanksgiving, though some critics may argue that ending up with us is a worse fate.....
Licks and love from a fragrant Hector and a normal Rufus xxxx
October 24th at 17:43 ·
The secret memoirs of Hector and Rufus ( we have gone posh)
Hooray no school! It's half term. Yippeee! We intended to enjoy it to the full. So this is what we did.....
We tipped over the water bowl and flooded the kitchen.
We dug a large hole in the rose bed and brought some mud in to add to the water. It's a very useful hole as it's big enough to get a small human or possibly a cat in......
We were so pleased to see the female peep that we jumped up to see her. Why did she burst into tears at the sight of our dirty paw marks all over her trousers, clean on approximately ten minutes earlier?
Then we told our visitor Monty to sit on the female peep's knee, whereupon he left a big dirty mark on her clean shirt, which has been on for twelve minutes. She wept a bit more.
Then one of us (it was you Hector) had a wee in Jester's bed, so the female peep was really pleased to have some more washing to do. At this point the washing machine left home. The female peep was so distraught that we rushed to console her and ruined a second pair of trousers. Ooooops!
It was 09.30 by now, so the day was going really well and our minds were turning to supper (well, breakfast was an hour since) but first we had a lovely walk during which we met that man who examined our orifices. How embarrassing was that!
This afternoon we've done gardening. We dug up some bulbs but the female peep wasn't impressed so we bounced on the lawn and generally made a mess instead.
Something very exciting is happening tomorrow. We've been told that we have to be on our very best behaviour but we don't know any more. It's bound to be fun, because everything is! We'll let you know as soon as possible!
Love and licks H&R xxx
PS we're off to visit the female peep now, she's back on the ward for special cases.
October 25th at 19:15
The secret memoirs of Hector. Rufus has given up. Read on to find out why.
So, we were promised a special surprise today and we woke giddy with excitement and had breakfast super early because we were told the surprise was coming at 08.00h. One hour later (these peeps are poor time keepers) another visitor arrived! First, the lovely Monty and now Holly the cocker spaniel and oh my goodness, after one look, Cupid fired his arrow and Rufus fell in love. They have been inseparable since (yuk, yuk). Rufus, with a lovelorn look in his eyes, follows her doggedly (well, what else would he do?) round the house, garden and paddocks. He even curled up in her bed! Luckily she wasn't in it.
I thought nothing was supposed to come between the love two brothers have for each other, but along comes this upstart of a dizzy dog, who can't sit still, who swishes her long luscious ears about seductively and boasts shapely black and white legs and I am now alone. I've done my best to draw attention to myself, my last ditch attempt was when I vomited recently consumed donkey poo on the sofa. But even that didn't work. I've tried to get my bro to play but he'll only oblige if she joins in too.
Harrumph. She's here for three days while her family frolic in Bristol.
It's nearly teatime. Lets hope we don't have spaghetti otherwise it'll be like a re-
Here's some photos of our visitors. Note that Rufus has sneaked on two of Holly, thinking I wouldn't notice. He's pinned one up by his bed, too. There may be an upside of all this. If he's lost his appetite as folk do in the first throes of love/lust, then that'll be two teas for me. Yum yum!
Love, a lonely Hector xxxxx
PS on arrival of a 6th dog, the female peep took an extra dose of her medicine and went to lie down.
October 26th at 16:30
The secret diary of Hector, still alone and rent asunder from his brother by a floosie!
Things have gone from bad to worse. I can barely bring myself to write about them, but I must. Last night there were problems. Holly wanted to sleep with us in our cosy kennel but then barked and barked until she was let back in the house, whereupon she barked and barked until Rufus, chivalrous to the end, jumped over the gate to the kennel (think 5 bar gate here) and I felt obliged to follow to make sure he was ok. All I found was Rufus looking all lovey dovey through the conservatory door at Holly, who was batting her yard long eyelashes! A good night was not had by anyone, in particular Rufus who tossed and turned and Holly who asked to go out four times.
I found this under his bed this morning. A letter .....to Holly. Some might say it is to betray a confidence but I have no shame after his treatment of me. This is what it said......
I cannot put into words the effect you have had on me since I first saw your little black face and dappled
nose come through the gate.
So I have written you a poem instead.
You are so lovely Holly
I'd happily share my brolly
I'm better than any collie
You make me feel jolly.
Thank you for having a name with so many rhymes. It would be hard to write a poem for me.
Yours with licks, Rufus xxxxx
Well! My brother is under a spell! Something must be done. Luckily we have an eagle eyed handsome visitor called Monty and loyal Jester, who spotted Holly sneaking outside and then smooching with BEN!!! -
With love and determination
PS today the female peep is requiring intravenous sedation. Surely it's not got anything to do with us?????
October 27th at 20.00
The long lost diaries of Hector and Rufus
Yes our bromance is back on. After the initial excitement of a girlie in the camp, Rufus has seen the light and is no longer mesmerised by her presence. He is back playing with me, chasing, rolling over, being crocodiles, making a mess and going everywhere together, causing trouble.
Holly is unperturbed -
We all had a much better night, which was good as the peeps were on the verge of booking into a hotel for a few days, possibly three months.
Today's photo is of Monty, the easy going visitor who doesn't bark, doesn't beg for treats,doesn't snore, doesn't pull things apart, doesn't vomit, comes when he's called and warms your feet by lying on them. Also is very photogenic and sits still for photos. How boring is all of that!
Love and licks H&R xxx
Ps the female peep is now in an induced coma
October 29th at 18.00
The secret diary of the recently reunited brothers, Hector and Rufus
That floosie, Holly, has gone home. Apparently when she got home, she went to sleep for HOURS. We can't think why apart from the fact that she didn't get much sleep when she was here, trying to keep up with us.
Rufus had one last attempt to rekindle the flames of passion within her beating heart and ran down the drive, calling after her, trying to go with her, but the prospect of going with the fabulous Andrea, Simon, Luke, Danny and Grace was a far greater desire than the unwanted attentions of a handsome black lab. She was only small but what an impact she had. It seems so quiet without her.
Rufus was very very upset after she had gone and had to take his frustrations out on a large cushion. He bit a huge hole in it and then removed enough stuffing so there was room for him to hide, but at that point the female peep found out what was going on( yes, she has come out of the coma) and told him off ( but she did give him a hug and say that there are plenty more dogfish in the sea and not to be upset).
So, upwards and onwards as we have Noah and family coming again this weekend and it's Halloween and we've been promised spooky biscuits. We want to go to school in fancy dress but have yet to broach that subject with the female peep.
This is a photo of Ben in his new birthday collar. He thinks it is very distinguished. What he doesn't realise is that it's easy wipe clean so all that lovely stuff that he rolls in(we would never do a thing like that) can be washed off easily.
Time for a snooze ourselves. That dog wore us out!
Love and licks H&R xxx
October 30th at 17.00
The secret diary of Hectus and Ruftor -
We strongly suspect that this house is a hotel. More visitors arrived today but it is Noah and Miwa, who are family so that doesn't really count. Noah builds wonderful railways in the lounge but gets cross when large dogs sit on the bridge or level crossings. Truth be told, the theme tune to Peppa Pig can become tedious after a while.....
This morning, in the spooky weather, the female peep took us for a walk (she's a good egg that one, nothing puts her off). Poor Jester was feeling weary and had been a bit ick, so she stayed at home, so it was us four boys(Monty is still here) who set off, dragging the female peep down the road. In the fields today and what a blessing that was. Never before in the history of dogkind has such a concentrated area of fox poo been found. Gratefully we made the most of it. Oh, the splendiferously slimy sensation of it oozing into our fur, behind our ears and under our collars. How we squirmed and wriggled to make sure we were completely covered.
Needless to say, the obligatory baths awaited us. But......it was during our ablutions that we had one of our best ideas yet. When Monty was wet through, it was noted that his physique was very much a la labrador, a fact we had not noticed before as he has so much fur. We called a summit meeting and after much bargaining a deal was struck for the price of two lamb chops, a T bone steak and half a kilo of mince. Tomorrow, Monty has agreed that we can shave off his fur, cover him with boot polish, use the hair straighteners on his curly tail and ears and voila-
Halloween tomorrow. Boo! Eeeeeek! We scare easily.
Love and licks H&R xxxx
PS Been on the female peep's website yet? www.carolmtetlow.co.uk -
October 31st at 21.00
The secret diary of Horrible Hector and Rotting Rufus-
Bah, at the last minute, Monty refused to have a crew cut and the boot polish(see yesterday) so we had no excuse but to go to school.
Why, we asked ourselves as we had had a very busy day and we felt that we should be allowed to rest and dream of pheasants, or better still, cake.
We had an early start today, rapidly followed by an interminable delay before we were taken for a walk and during the wait we helped make bloodstained biscuits and a cobweb cake. Then, most exciting of all, we helped carve a pumpkin, which we so enjoyed that when nobody was looking, we got it down off the table and ate the lid and the candle inside! How clever of us.....
At school, attendance was not good. Probably the bendy retriever and Troy the Vizla were too scared to come out in case they met a warty witch. Ms Vi Merana was looking much nicer than usual but she soon explained that she was wearing her extremely scary Halloween outfit. We literally had to jump through hoops but there was no tunnel today (it looks a bit like a long, wobbly colon).
We do hate the bit where the owners swap dogs but it was very funny to see the male peep with the chihuahua! Hector sobbed until the female peep returned to him (he is such a wuss). We were both hopeless at 'fetch' mainly because the female peep had taken the turkey for us to fetch and it was just too embarrassing.
And oh! What a shame, the hall has been double booked for next week so school is cancelled-
Here's the pumpkin we made, we mean ate......
Licks and slime H&R xxxx