The Official Website  for Carol Margaret Tetlow

The Secret Diaries of Hector and Rufus May 2015

May 2nd at 17.31

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus.........still partying but suffering from possibly unrequited love....

Sorry not to have written yesterday but our lives are a constant social whirl and of course there was school.

Never let it be said that we haven't tried to endear ourselves to Ms Vi Merana. We've taken her flowers - dog roses, grrrreberas, lab-elias, bought her chocolates - Kit-cats, aero-dales, you name it, we have spared no expense. We even tried giving her a bag of the female peep's Twirl bites but she found out before we set off.

So this week, because it was our birthday, we made cheesy bone-shaped dog treats, packed them in nice little bags, with bow-wows and gave one to each of our friends and then two bags to Vi.

She was looked especially stunning this week. She gives a whole new slant on elegance. Rainbow coloured crocs on her feet, black fish net stockings, a pleated skirt in silver lame and a blouse of Nottingham lace, with leg of mutton sleeves. She also had lipstick on, though had clearly missed her mouth area which gave a clown-like appearance to her face - and we all know how scary clowns are.

At the start of our class her phone rang. She has a very special phone, which is yellow. So she picked up the golden retriever and chatted for a while and that was when it happened.

Our eyes beheld Ruby.

The world stopped turning on its axis. Gravy bones collided, the air was full of celestial trumpets and fairies playing harps, a choir sang. Our heart rates quickened and our tongues hit the floor. This was real love. Her shiny black coat glistened seductively in the electric lighting, we drank in the pools of allure that were her dark brown eyes and felt our hormones astir. Her very presence caused temporary anmesia of what 'sit' means and just to gaze at her sashaying across the floor was worth incurring Ms Vi Merana's wrath.

She clearly thought we were the bees' knees. Or the pugs' lugs, or dogs' clogs.

Oh we can't wait until next week.........

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxx

May 2nd at 16.17

The secret diary of Handsome Hector and Raffish Rufus......just in case Ruby is reading this.

Dear Ruby with your shining hair

Our gravy bones we'd gladly share

We never thought the day would come

When we would actually be struck dumb.

And though we haven't lost our appetite

You truly are a wondrous sight

Dark eyes, white teeth and tongue of pink

We'd like to take you out for a drink

So after we've done our triangular retrieve

Our sits, stays, stands, before we leave

Let's meet on Friday after school

We'll brink hankies in case we drool....(which we might do cos you're lovely)

And if we're followed by Ms Vi Merana

We'll make sure she slips on a rotten

As you can see, we are rather good at doggerel, well being dogs, we ought to be.

Here's Hector opening one of his presents, being guided by Jester.

If anyone wants to know how the female peep is, she's having her tablets monitored very closely.....

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

May 4th at 19.17

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus............oooooops!

It all started to go wrong when Rufus left a rabbit's head on the doorstep, in a beautiful state of decay, with a wonderful pervading odour and most of its face missing.

The peeps were not impressed and he got a real telling off.

We had to make amends and sat in a huddle on the lawn, breakfast-less apart from a large bowl of meat and biscuits, so it was hard to think because we were so hungry.

Then it came to us in one of those light bulb moments. The male peep had stated his intention to mow the lawns today. He is off to Donkey week tomorrow and wants to leave everything spick and span. So we decided if we could do it for him, then we'd be back in the good books before you could say 'liver'.( Please note it is quicker to say liver than it is to say gravy bone).

We referred to one of our text books -'What every labrador must know in order to please their owners' by those well known authors Ida Gooddog and Ivan Evenbetterwon. Chapter 473 is on elementary magic tricks and as luck would have it, we found a spell guaranteed to make grass short.

So we re-assembled on the lawn and uttered the magic words while we waved the twigs we brought home from our swalk:-

(don't try this at home readers)

Ali-sation Bongo! Labracadabra! Ala-saluki kasaam! and pooof! The sky turned green and our spleens rotated on their pedicles - ouch!

The grass was just the same but we had been turned into a pig and a dinosaur (see photo).

Oh no! The peeps were looking for us but we lay very still (see photo) and luckily the male peep moved us before he really did mow the lawn. Also luckily Chapter 902 is all about reversing magic spells that have gone wrong, so we're going to work on that now and hope to be back on form tomorrow.

Love and licks P&D xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS what happened to Princess Hectorina?

May 5th at 16.22

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus ........................restored

Phew! That awful magical spell wore off and we became labradors again. Not much fun being a pig - a bit of a boar really.

But our lives are never static as we lurch from one dilemma to another.

Something mighty suspicious is going on, here at home and we haven't quite fathomed out what it is. Maybe you can help.....these are the salient points we have jotted down in our lab books......

1) it is very quiet

2) the house is tidy

3) our walks are longer (not that we're complaining)

4) the male peep is not on his computer,or the telephone

5) the female peep is able to write her novel without interruption and eat cheese without murmurs of disapproval

6) clothes are not strewn around the bedroom

7) there is still Crufts Original sherry in the bottle

8) there are some untouched Longley Farm yoghurts in the fridge

9) there are digestive biscuits in the tin

10) there is no rugby on TV

11) come to think of it, the male peep is not here!!!!!

12) Hector found a disused mine shaft on our swalk and checked down there for the male peep (see photo) but he wasn't there, lying, starving with a sprained ankle, as in all the best Lassie films.

What is happening? Jester and Ben are unperturbed, saying this always happens at this time of year......

Yours, worriedly, with love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

May 6th at 16.22

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus..............while the male peep's away.....

We take our duties very seriously and with the male peep strolling on the beach and skinny-dipping by moonlight (the local police have been alerted) we must look after the female peep and make sure she doesn't get bored. She tells us this is unlikely as she has so many jobs to do every day (and still find time to play tennis) but we're leaving nothing to chance. So today, as soon as we were allowed out of our hovel, we helped with the mucking out and then Rufus lay in the water trough before rolling in the shavings, assuming the look of a potato croquette. Then while she was having breakfast, (shredded wheat but we think she ought to have coco-pups) we entertained her with a new game called crocodiles on amphetamines, which involved high speed chasing and snapping all around the house, not stopping to draw breath and ending up skidding across the kitchen floor and into her leg. Extra marks for annoying a cat en route. Her fractures should heal soon .

Then we went for a lovely walk -note not swalk as we didn't go to the river but there was plenty of mud, the odd rotting corpse that we wanted to bring back for Jester but weren't allowed.

While she was playing tennis, we ate a blanket, took all the cushions off the sofa, tipped over our water bowl and tried to use the water to wash the floor (helping -take note). Oh, then we were sick on a cushion. Ooops! Must have been all that blanket....

Never mind -we've made a day pass quickly for her, so she's barely had a chance to miss the male peep.

Here are some photos of us playing - you can see that we're very gentle with each other......

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

May 8 at 19.37

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus.........rather smug

Writing early today for fear that later on there will be no time as we are sooooooooo busy here.

Smug? Why smug? We hear you ask. Well, on our swalk this morning, four peeps quite independently said how handsome we were. And no, before you ask, they did not have guide dogs, need to go to a well known opticians or had forgotten their glasses. They were clearly peeps of excellent taste who know a good thing when it comes up and bites them (not that we did, of course, because we are Ms Vi Merana's proteges in the advanced class no less.)

While the male peep's away, we're planning a small soiree for some of our friends. You may have heard of them, or more importantly you may remember someone we've forgotten, which would never do.

So, on the guest list (male peep look away now!!!) is Rhoda Shanridgeback, Mr and Mrs Kinese with their son who always wants to go to the toilet, Pee, Mrs and Mrs Foundland -they've just moved to the area, so we refer to them as the New Foundlands, Patty Dale, Germaine Pointer, Leo N'Berger(he's travelling all the way from Africa), Baz Sethound and Schhhhhh -he likes to remain secret - Mr Nauzer.

It is possible that we need to take some of the female peep's tablets and that all this extra work is getting to us......

Some gravy bones would help -please send, usual address. Thank you.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Mat 10th at 15.54

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus.............................exhausted!

Today's tale (tail) has a moral. Read carefully peeps and remember. Some of you may have sobbed yesterday when we didn't write but read on and you will understand why.

It is most imperative that we stress the importance of good enunciations of words. Always speak clearly and may be sorry if you don't. Never, ever mumble.

The more devoted of you ( ie all of you) will recall that for our birthday (huh! and Christmas) we very much wanted some little blonde sisters. We went on and one about it, asking for puppies. If only we had not rushed our words because this weekend, we got two peepies (ie small peeps) who came on Friday and went home today.

We have not sat down for a moment! Remember the male peep is still gadding about in Devon, a-frolicking in the bluebells and playing skittles. Our role has been very important -get in the way when they're on the swings, eat the food they drop on the floor, sit on the jigsaw they are doing and lie on the train track. Generally be available to be adored, climbed on, hugged etc.

So along with us, the female peep has had two other constant companions. The fun has been endless. We are all covered with glitter and glue, feathers and pompoms and the swings in the garden have been in constant use. This morning we went to the park and they went on the swings! Never mind the slide and climbing frames, the swings were best.

And when they left, the female peep ran into the bedroom, put her pants on outside her trousers, put a crown in her hair and tidied up, put everything away (no mean feat), did the washing up, mucked out, soaked hay, picked up droppings and then took us for a walk. All a la superwoman. Not bad for someone who barely had a moment's sleep, because she was listening out for the visitors, trying to work out if they were unsettled or if it was just Jester snoring....tricky.

Here are some photos of them. Oh look! they're on the swings. Also being introduced to mucking out -you can never start too early and a brief interlude at the park.

And now we're off for a lie down and we plan to sleep until (we were going to say tomorrow, but we'll wake up for tea).

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx and today, also Ben and Jester. All four get today's award ( a lifetime supply of gravy bones) for being the most gentle, kind, affectionate, tolerant dogs in the universe.

May 11th at 16.40

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus..........................forlorn

Copy of a letter found under Rufus' bed (what's left of it that is)

Dear Male Peep,

Please come home. You've been away for a whole week and you would not believe what's been going on in your absence. It is a wonder the house is still standing. Our nerves are frayed, we're tired out and we have no idea what's going on with the rugby because we're not allowed to watch it when you're not here.

Fair's fair, we have had our breakfasts on time, our evening meals on time and various and sundry snacks throughout the day which you never give us. We have been out for walks everyday, sometimes with swimming and met friends and foes along the way.

What are we complaining about, we hear you ask?

Well, pardon us if we're wrong, but we were under the impression that we were dogs. We have had to muck out, feed donkeys and ponies, catch ponies, put them in, put them out (think hokey cokey) guard the house, go shopping, ward off intruders, snap at the postman's heels, look after peepies (see yesterday), snooze while the female peep plays tennis, do the ironing, wash the floors, pick up poo from various species, watch the female peep's favourite TV programmes and squeeze in a visit to the vet for our routine immunisations. There's barely been chance to chase a rabbit.

We need you back, so we can cuddle with you on the sofa, stroll with you by the river, share your tea when you're not looking, lie on your feet when it's most inconvenient and jump on you while you're still asleep.

It's not the same without you. We send you our most forlorn and longing looks, which we hope you will find irresistible.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

May 12th at 18.19

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus.......................ecstatic!

He's home! He's home! The male peep is home! We have spent the whole day looking out of the window for him apart from when we were mucking out, out on our swalk, at the shops and having a snooze while the female peep went to tennis.

When we heard the car, we woofed with glee and ran outside, saw it was him and ran back inside again.

We all lined up for our presents. Us dogs got posh dog biscuits but we didn't like the taste so we spat them out when the male peep wasn't looking. The male peep announced that he had bought a new car on the way back (ie a present for him) and the poor, long-suffering, hard-working female peep got......nothing. This begs a short diversion on the subject of presents as once, the male peep brought the female peep a small piece of cheese that had been part of his meal on the aircraft. She still has it and brings it out to remind him of his faux pas at appropriate moments.

Anyway, now we can rest easy, settle down on the sofa with a large Crufts original and turn on the rugby and snuggle up to our lovely male peep. He's just got to bring in the ponies, feed them, move the donkeys into another field, put out the rubbish and generally get into the swing of being back home first.

Here's a photo of us welcoming him home. He's still unconscious but his breathing is steady, pulse regular and he's going 'ooof' when we sit on him, so all should be well.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

May 14th at 18.21

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus............................full of ideas and one or two concerns

We're starting a pup group with Ben. Here are our first press shots, showing us in pensive but dastardly handsome mode. There is no doubt that we would be pupular. Well, why not? Remember Westielife? They did quite well, as did the Walk-er Brothers and The Korgis. Now it's time for a new band for the female pupulation to fall head over paws in love with.

Jester is going to be our manager because she's the most sensible of us and the wisest.

Today we have been rehearsing Puppy Love and Hound Dog, along with Mistletoe and Whine (you can never plan too early for the Christmas no 1). We particularly like to sing in the back of the car on our way to the river.

It's so nice having the male peep home. We are no longer blamed for anything as he is always the first suspect -tee hee plus he likes eating big chunks of meat, which he shares with us while the female peep's fave is cheesy beans on toast.

Things are afoot (apaw) here however. There's always something going on. The male peep is pacing up and down the paddock measuring, the female peep is ransacking her cookery books, plus making lists of lists and more lists. We are repeatedly told that we must be 'good.' Why? Because Lamb Hill donkey show is approaching at a canter (actually more like an out of control gallop). This is of course, something that we have not yet experienced but cannot wait to as Jester assures us that our job is to patrol the paddock and eat everyone's picnic before coming back to the house and garage (aka bistro) to eat up the leftovers there. Sounds like a very very good day to us!

The slight concern is that we have a feeling in our water that there are visitors this weekend. More worryingly, not two legged but four legged visitors and we're not entirely sure that we're ready to share the sofa.... but more of this anon as the time grows nearer.

Please send gravy bones though as we may need extra nourishment and today all we've had is our normal meals and half a pack of digestives that we found on the worktop.....shhhhhhh -they'll never notice cos we've eaten the wrapper too!

Love and licks Hector and Rufus xxxxxxxxxxxxx

May 15th at 22.08

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus...........................just been to school

Oh my goodness, we were late for school and made to stand in the corner for five minutes as a punishment and recite the first five chapters of 'How to be a good dog,' by Major Sitandstay, one of the bibles of dog training.

Ms Vi Merana was looking splendiferous in lycra from head to toe -gold lame, with turquoise accessories, a wig of ginger ringlets and purple crocs on her feet.

But we could barely focus on her because across the room was Ruby, wriggling delightfully at the sight of us, her delicious pink tongue dangling from between her kissable lips. Our hearts skipped a beat and any hope there was of us doing anything right in class went hurtling out of the window along with Rufus' retrieve article, when the male peep threw it a little over-enthusiastically.

However tonight our hearts were torn in two directions because Grace was looking particularly attractive. She's Great! In fact she's a Great Dane! Her legs are longer than we are tall and her chops wobble erotically as she trots. Worryingly though, she is said to like labradors but cannot eat all of one at once!

There was another new dog tonight, Logan the irresistible German Shepherd puppy, who has one pointy up ear and one folded over ear because he's still so small. We loved him but suspect that when he's bigger than us, we might be quite scared.

Ms Vi Merana's parting shot was that we are going to do a test in a few weeks. It sounds really complicated and we are already panicking - are there enough gravy bones in the world for our tough training schedule that lies ahead?

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

May 17th at 19.15

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus.....................lazybones

We welcomed the postman this morning with open paws, as we normally do. He was pleased to show us that you can barely see the scars on his legs from where we savaged him and the tear in his trousers has been stitched beautifully by his wife. He brought two very important letters, which he passed over the gate using a mechanical, extending arm as he didn't want to come near us. We don't know why.

The first letter was to say that a photograph of the two of us had won first prize in a competition and we had won a year's supply of gravy bones!

The second, we were a little suspicious of because it smelled of 23 year old goose poo, but it turned out to be from Ms Vi Merana, saying that we are the most intelligent dogs she has ever had at her school.

Oh, woof! Aren't we lucky? But that wasn't the end of it -the female peep found that she had run out of normal food that we have for breakfast and we had to have cold chicken instead!

Off we went for a walk, our hearts light with our merriment, singing loudly in the back of the car 'who let the dogs out?' and other such classics. On our walk -well it was one of those amazing occasions where everything falls into place. There was fox poo to roly poly in, a dead trout to take to the peeps, lots of other dogs who wanted to play and we only lost one ball (this is a record, please note). And we weren't told off once!

Back at the house, the female peep gave us more chicken, some turkey, a small portion of grouse and some delicious liver to keep us going until lunchtime.

We pulled some faces through the fence at the sheep, who pulled even worse ones back so we ran away, slightly scared but pretending we weren't.

Then we did our homework - we sat to command, stood, lay down, walked to heel and did the complicated dodecahedral retrieve (only to be tried by those who have mastered the triangular retrieve), all of which left the peeps speechless and the female peep writing to Ms Vi Merana to tell her of our achievements. We have even finished our essays on 'Your owner seems distressed -discuss'.

For lunch we had sausages and some more liver, with some yummy human biscuits for pud.

What a fabulous day......................but then we woke up and found out it had all been a DREAM! So we went back to sleep -see photos. Grrrrrrrrr!

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

May 17th at 17.43

The secret diary of Jester.............................princess

Well, Hector and Rufus have gone off for a late afternoon walk and handed their pen over to me. Being a princess, I have chosen to stay at home and sleep on the sofa, next to the female peep, which is my rightful place and woe betide anyone else who tries to wriggle in between us! I think you'll all agree that I'm looking particularly beautiful today (see photos).

Now the truth can be told. I've been waiting for this chance for months. It is not easy living with Hector and Rufus. They start barking early in the morning and then are on the go If they're not playing crocodiles then they're playing chase or eating undesirable objects ( I was particularly jealous of the rabbit carcase Rufus found under the chair in the bedroom -thank you Mr Kipling but next time, give it to me). If I don't watch out, they eat my tea but usually a glimpse of my particularly vicious veneers is enough to have them cowering.

They are very much looking forward to Lamb Hill Show, a week today. Never having been to one, they have no idea what to expect but I, of course, am a seasoned connoisseur of this event.

If you are coming and you are all invited, here are some tips:-

1) Always bring plenty of sandwiches, cold sausages keep well, as do scotch eggs, and leave them in a container with a loose lid on the grass. We (that's H, R and B and me) will be doing regular checks to make sure you have done this. This is very important.

2) I am particularly friendly with the judge. If you'd like to send me some gravy bones, then I could put a good word in for you....

3) If you are enjoying a snack in the cafe, I won't be far away and will be more than happy to help you, if you feel you can't eat everything you've bought.

4) If you are entering the handy dog or donkey obstacle course, then may I suggest you wear your swimming costumes under your clothes (and a snorkel), so that you are ready for obstacle number 4. Make sure you can jump high, crawl through small spaces, balance things on your head and do not suffer from claustrophobia, triskaidekaphobia or vertigo.

Please do not tell anyone I et out some secrets about the course. Competitors are usually very competitive.....

Love and gracious licks Jester xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS it's lovely and quiet without them

18th of May at 18:41 ·

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus.................we've got our pen back from Jester

Harrumph! Someone's on our chair and someone else is in one of our Joules beds. Who are these upstarts?

Well, from the left we have Austin and Morris, twin brothers (non-identical for the scientists amongst you) and Daisy. We will explain the third photo in a little while.

Our lives were disrupted just as we were settling down for Sunday night TV after a rather nice dinner which included some roast chicken bits and gravy that the peeps had bequeathed to us. Yum yum.

Tummies nicely full (albeit temporarily) we were on the brink of sleep when these three came bursting into the kitchen with their leads but more worryingly their dinner bowls and beds. we know them well from our swalks but we had only heard hints that they were coming to stay. We had a bit of a spat to establish our superiority -lawks you have to watch your ankles with these terrible terrier types. Luckily there was no bloodshed but a lot of very high pitched yapping, which burst our eardrums.

To our disgust, they slept in the kitchen, Austin and Morris like yin and yang in their bed, Daisy more delicately in her bed. And they were given some of OUR gravy bones as a bedtime treat. We, of course, were turned out into the cold in the howling gale and horizontal blizzard that we could hardly stand up in.

Jester told us that this morning, all three of them were on the bed with the male peep, who is their favourite person and Austin burrowed under the duvet and went to sleep there. Harrumph again. Mr Kipling and Tilly are not best pleased.

Glory be! they're now sitting on the female peep's knee. That is definitely not allowed, though luckily they are little, so there is still plenty of room on the sofa for us.

We are promised that they are going home in the morning at which time we will bark yippee, reclaim our rightful beds, cushions, bowls and dog treats. The female peep has promised us thirty minutes peace and quiet before we start on preparations for the show.....

Oh, why the photo of Princess Jester, looking sensational? Just to prove to one of our readers (hello Terri) that Jester bears a startling resemblance to Princess Grace of Monaco.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

19 May at 17:11 ·

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus......................bringing calm

The visitors have gone. Once more they slept in the house while we were outside in our hovel, where the wind blows through from one side to the other and penguins and polar bears stroll because it is so cold.

After they'd left, we decided that we needed to restore the house to order. Any prospect of a swalk seemed a long way off because the female peep was cooking. Just how many attempts does it take to line a baking tin with pastry? We had no idea it was that many.) Clearly becoming more than a little fraught, we decided to give her a surprise by tidying up and getting things where they should be.

As some of you will recall, we are avid believers in feng shui, so we called our good friend Sharon (likes to be known as Shar) Pay (think about it, think about it) and she gave us some jolly good ideas, as you can see.

The overall ambience is swamp-like which is ideal for playing crocodiles.

Half a dog bed on the floor and half on the sofa produces positive energy of enormous value and before we knew it, all the cushions and seats had fallen over too. It might be possible for you to make out that one of us has a sock - this too is vital for optimal positive growls.

Finally, the female peep came to see what we'd been doing. She wasn't pleased, largely because the last pancake from Shrove Tuesday, which stuck to the ceiling fell in her quiche and she had to start again.

But we think she'll grow to love it, just as she loves us.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

20 May at 17:56 ·

The secret diary of Hector and's story time!

Once upon a time, when the makers of gravy bones were still perfecting the recipe, a beautiful black lady labrador met a scandalously good looking black male labrador and without going into details, after the appropriate gestation period, felt some tummy ache, went into lab-our and delivered eight healthy black puppies.

They lived in a fabulous home and as it was summer time they were allowed to play outside on the lawn a lot, which was really good fordeveloping their muscles and bones and brains. Initially, they just had their mum's milk to help them grow but then, as all true labradors do, they discovered (probably at the age of one week old) that there were many many other things which were good to eat, some permissible, some not.

Life was good, frolicking in the sun, playing with mum but then suddenly one day, some peeps came and decided they liked the look of two of the puppies and wanted them to come and live with them.

Tiny as they were, these two puppies went to live far away from their mother, but because they had each other, they didn't mind too much, especially as they were still on umpteen meals a day plus snacks and the results of foraging (mud, poo, animal corpses, discarded peep food.)

These two puppies grew steadily and quickly learned how to behave. In no time at all they were house-trained and learned how the sofa was for peeps and the floor for dogs. Enrolled at school, they excelled, loving every minute of it and spending every free moment of the day with their noses buried in improving texts and advanced dogarithms and calculus. They were so good, they were promoted to the advanced class and this had nothing to do with them bribing the teacher by taking in biscuits.

They never made a mess, never threw up in the house, never went on the peeps' bed, never chewed anything apart from their toys and then only very gently, because they wanted them to last for as long as possible.

What lovely dogs, peeps from far and wide cried on meeting them. If only ours were like that.

And then there was Hector and Rufus.........

Ha ha! Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

21 May at 18:22 ·

The secret diary of Hector and tired.

My word, this getting ready for Lamb Hill Show is quite a palaver. We've been on the go ALL day and are ready for a snooze. Of course old hands (we mean paws) like Jester and Ben, who've seen it all before stayed in the house catching up with past episodes of Watchdog and Westie-enders but we felt we had to be out there keeping and eye on things and only we can.

We very much enjoyed clearing out the garage,(we found several of our toys, one of our blankets, as yet uneaten and a toothbrush) because that's where our biscuits are kept and it was nothing short of miraculous just how many broken bits there were that were swept onto the floor for us to hoover up. The addition of spider droppings and dust added a certain piquancy that we had not tasted before but very much liked. Bizarrely, having cleaned the garage, the female peep then decided that she must clean the utility room (why?) and when that looked clean, she decided the kitchen looked dirty, so cleaned that as well, followed by the rest of the house.

Meanwhile, because we don't particularly like the hoover, we went out into the field to help the male peep and his wonderfully helpful friend, Ian, who were putting up the rings.

But, horror of horror, while nobody was watching, Rufus slipped under the fence and went in with the donkeys, who chased him in a not very friendly way and it was a very scared dog who ran back to the female peep to be reassured all was well.

So, a good day's work done by all. Tomorrow the cafe will be created (oh good, prospect of food) and on Saturday, it's baking day (we are the official tasters) and the building of the infamous obstacle course.

The female peep has just read what we've written and is reaching for the wine.......

more tomorrow, we are exhausted.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

23 May at 20:16 ·

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus..............................too excited to sleep!

We can't settle for excitement. We're definitely too giddy for photos but hope to post lots tomorrow.

We've been working hard all day for the donkey show (huh! why no dogs?). We've done baking, tested baking, spat out baking (bah! walnuts), made a cafe, looked longingly at a lot of sausages and just managed to avoid an avalanche of bread rolls.

Classes start at 1030 ish in the morning.

Proceeds from the cafe will be going to local dog charity SYD (Saving Yorkshire's Dogs) though we had suggested the HARAH charity (Hector And Rufus Are Hungry).

No more time to write anything more. We're having a quick snooze while the peeps go out to eat and then it'll be back to work.

More tomorrow

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

24 May at 19:19 ·

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus...............................too tired to speak....almost, but we will write our blog before we zonk out

So that's what Lamb Hill show is! Wow!

The weather smiled on us all, the bunting fluttered in the breeze and we have never seen so many sausages in our lives all at once before. Our day started early because naughty visiting dogs, Olive, Milly and Dylan, looking for cake woke us from our beauty sleep but it didn't matter too much because the female peep was up and doing mysterious things in the orchard with a onesie and a dog agility tunnel.

Then peeps arrived, more and more peeps, some with dogs (grrrr), some with donkeys and we were hoarse with barking, so we stopped barking and started patrolling the garage which had been turned into a rather delightful cafe, selling yummy things and, when busy, gave us plenty of opportunity to sneak under the tables and gobble up crumbs, scraps of bacon, cheese and cake. A fierce competition took place before lunch, with the outright champion being a handsome chap called Tao (not as handsome as us, please note).

The judge ate a hearty lunch -we know, because we watched, drooling but he is a tidy eater, sadly.

More competitions took place in the afternoon, including some competitors dressing up in the onesie and wriggling down the dog agility tunnel like rats down drainpipes! We hoped to have a go, but there wasn't time.

We all helped clear up. We had left over sausages for tea and tomorrow we're having cake, on Tuesday we're having cake, on Wednesday we're having cake....on Thursday we might feel quite sick.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

25 May at 15:20 ·

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus..............................oooops! A bit bloated

Apparently, you can have your cake and eat it and perhaps one can have too much cake....and sausage.....and cheese.......and bacon.........burp!

So, it's the morning after the day before and it's hard to imagine that the show ever happened. We got up, helped muck out just as every day and then wept profusely when our lovely new friend Mark, the judge, had to go home. But our minds were taken off our sorrow by the suggestion of a swalk this time it was becoming obvious that Rufus was not very well because - please sit down peeps as you are about to read something shocking and appalling, which will make your blood pressure plummet and your gizzards sink into your pelvises - he would not eat his breakfast!

He eschewed yummy meat and biscuits in favour of a lie down on the sofa! He did come for a swalk however but chose to stay close to the peeps rather than annoy other dogs, swim, put his head down rabbit holes or do somersaults in goose poo. And then he went straight back to sleep again. Crunch time (literally, because it's more biscuits) will come at tea time but to date his nose is cold and wet and bodily functions seem satisfactory. The peeps suspect some dietary indiscretion yesterday when nobody was looking.

Any road up, as they say here in Yorkshire, after three days constantly on the prowl, we are catching up with our beauty sleep. The female peep says we've raised about £300 from the cafe for SYD - Saving Yorkshire's Dogs and nothing at all for HARAH (Hector And Rufus Are Hungry). Which seems fair enough because just at the moment, we're not hungry and we rather hope that we don't see any cake again until at least this evening.

Today's photos are 1) our lunch yesterday, though we let all the visiting peeps eat first 2) the judge clearly enjoying a drive, courtesy of Harvey Moon and 3) us keeping an eye on things - vital.

Time for another snooze.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

26 May at 11:43 ·

The secret diary of Hector and is good!

A while ago we shared with you all the exciting news that we were bringing out a fitness CD, so that all you peeps could aspire to have bodies like ours and a tad of our energy.

Shameful though it is to say, there were some cynics amongst you who didn't believe that this was highly impawsible and could not be true.

Well, never to be defeated, we put everyone's name into a a sack the size of the Isle of Wight (we are modest about the number of followers we have) and picked one at random, sent this person a copy of our CD - the ABC of fitness (Activity, Bounce, Crocodiles) by Hearty 'Hamstrings' Hector and Rippling 'rectus abdominis' Rufus, asking this person to follow the instructions to the letter and then we would compare before and after.

It's taken several months, a strict diet (the gravy bone diet), and regular exercise as advised but the results, you will agree are nothing short of incredulous.

This meek, mild mannered donkey handler has been transformed into a veritable gazelle!

Order your copies now. Be quick as only four million are available.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

28th of May at 1215

The secret diary of Hector and detention, grounded, gravy bones withdrawn

We must not be naughty when the peeps go out

We must not be naughty when the peeps go out

We must not be naughty when the peeps go out


Only another 497 lines to go. We are in BIG trouble. After their exhausting weekend, the peeps put on their glad rags (not hugely different from their everyday rags if you ask us) and went out to quiz night. Luckily this was in aid of @SYD - Saving Yorkshire's Dogs, which might be more appropriate than we first thought in view of the size of the doghouse we're in. We have to send congratulations to the vets who won and look after us. We hope we don't see you soon - in the nicest possible way! The peeps' team came third and will be out for revenge in August.

All that aside, because this is of course our diary, off they went, leaving us looking labradorable on the sofa, our handsome heads slightly cocked to one side, our eyes saddened by their leaving. We had a little sleep before wanting to play crocodiles. Unfortunately before we could get started a typhoon swept through the house, followed by a mad orang-utan who ripped apart the mattress from Jester's bed. Then a tiger with eight inch long teeth leapt through the window and ate the female peep's walking socks and before we could draw breath a dragon with very sharp claws came in with its identical twin brother via the conservatory and between them they decapitated a donkey and gobbled up the head and demolished a dinosaur, which was rampaging round the room, threatening to kill us.

Barely had they all left- chased away by brave us, of course, the peeps came back and we'd had no chance to tidy up! Which we were just about to, naturally......

We must not be naughty when the peeps go out

We must not be naughty when the peeps go out....

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

3oth of May at 14.16

The sssssssssssecret ddddddiary of Hhhhhector and Rrrrrrrrufus.................very scared indeed

Writing from behind the cushions today because we are afraid to come out, apart from to go for a swalk or have something to eat and drink or play crocodiles.

We fear that our hovel (our outside kennel for those who are unaware, which we are dragged kicking and screaming every night and forced to sleep in and we are still waiting for our hanging basket.....) may be haunted!

Last night, when it was dark and still with not even the merest whisper of wind (apart from Ben, that is, who had gobbled his supper and was paying the price), the moon was hidden by some flimsy cloud, casting an eerie glow into our bedroom (the central heating has been turned off -this is not good enough). Our eyelids were drooping, our little toes beginning to twitch ear-piercing howl ricocheted around the walls.

Instantly we hid behind Ben because before us was the most terrible spectre-cle that we had ever seen.

Was it a grrrrrrr-houl?

Was it a pawltergeist?

Was it that naughty Mr Kipling coming to play cat tricks on us?

Even worse, was it Ms Vi Merana at her most terrifying, come to tell us off for last night's indiscretion?

Our knees could be heard knocking three villages away, the chattereing our our teeth woke up those peacefully sleeping at the holiday cottages twelve fields away (actually they are just one field away but this is not as impressive).

Then it spoke, in a phlegm-y, guttural tone and then cleared its throat. Were we about to be eaten alive? Was this to be our last diary entry? Had we had our last photo taken? Never mind all that, had we had our last meal?

But then......

'Who'd like a gravy bone?' said the male peep, 'I forgot to give you any when I brought you out.'


Love and llllllllicks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Male Peep,

So, you have gone away again, leaving us to fend for ourselves for three days. Since you have gone (ie three quarters of an hour but it feels much longer) Ben has assaulted all the cushions, Hector has decapitated a duck and Rufus has tried to decapitate Hector...on more than one occasion. The noise is unbearable. How's a girl to get any sleep?

Then Ben took the wings of the duck (see above - it is now oven ready apart from orange sauce) and Hector and Rufus gave new meaning to the game of crocodiles as they clashed jaws and punctured their jugular veins (hopefully not arteries as that can make a bit of a mess).

And now I am cowering under the table as they do skid turns on the kitchen floor, run outside and bring back samples of plant from the garden.

The female peep looks run ragged and the anxiety is making my hair fall out which only creates more hoovering for the poor female peep.

I recall the giddy days when you went away and took the other dogs with you, on a boys' holiday, leaving us girls at home to chill out. What fun we had, going everywhere together (work, the shops, visiting patients), sharing our teas, having special treats. The sun always shone then.

Please, please, please, next time you go away, could you take them with you?

Lots of love, Jester xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS I have hidden their diary today -tee hee