The Official Website  for Carol Margaret Tetlow

The Secret Diaries of Hector and Rufus March 2015

March at 17:07 ·

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus........................unexpectedly snow dogs!

well, dear peeps and four legged readers, it's been a cold and bitter day with rain and dark cloud, so we thought we'd let you into some secrets of how to have fun when the weather's bad.

1) help muck out. Make sure that you get in the way of the fork and broom. Fall over in the dirty straw, not the clean straw. Have a poo on the clean straw but hide it so there is just a noxious odour, the source of which cannot be traced. Help fill the hay nets by getting into them yourself, so there is no room for hay. Get in such a mess that you need a ten minute cleaning up session before breakfast.

2) insist on going for a walk, purely for the human peep's health, of course. Do this by mithering your owner to the point of madness -jump up, knock over her cereal, whimper softly but gradually turn up the volume to a harsh, annoying bark. Fight if it looks as though she is settling down to doing something that might take a while.

3) curl up in tiny balls (see photos) after a walk, so that you are difficult to find, just in case any of your indiscretions come to light while you are sleeping. It doesn't do to be disturbed in the middle of a good rabbity dream.

4) while your peep is reading the Sunday papers, pay her particular attention. Cats will sit on the paper. We go one better. She lavishes so much care and love on us every day that it is only fair that we give back. So..... listen carefully. Sit on her knee. Squash the paper flat and then with a very cold nose, inspect her eye sockets to make sure the eyeballs are still there, sniff each ear, check nostrils for small pieces of Lego (humans are notorious for putting things up their nostrils) and then check round the hairline for nits. Instantly get off her knee if you find any. Wriggle a lot while you are doing this and if you get the chance, dig your claws into her thighs for better purchase.

5) help eat cheese sandwiches at lunchtime. Hunt out the cats. Have another snooze while the female peep writes some of her next novel and thus is happy and will play.

6) help put the beds down for the donkeys and ponies. Repeat the pooing technique mentioned in 1). Taste the donkeys food and spit out. Ugh!

7) Gambol back up to the house because it's tea time! yey! And it's snowing and settling, so we'll be out again soon to make snow dogs and snow bones.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxx      

March 2nd at 17:37 ·

The secret diary of Detectives Hector and Rufus..................aka Sherlock and Bones

A crime has been committed. The guilty party has yet to be identified. We need your help.

At approximately 1405 hours the male peep returned from his travels and noticed that........the bathroom window was broken. It had been intact when he left. Crime scene investigation was immediately summoned and the pieces of broken glass lying on the drive way were confirmed as having come from the window above and it was estimated that the approximate time of the incident was Friday February 28th 2015 at 1207 hours. Initial interrogations of all suspects (see photos) have taken place. Everyone has an alibi, or so it would seem. But then things are never as they seem.....are they.

The tricerotops insists that he was stuck between the sofa and the wall and upside down as well.The little dog says there's no way he could have reached.

Ben is holding a ball! Oh our goodness, is this a clue. Plus he's trying to throw us off the scent by wearing a deerstalker.

Jester says she never does anything wrong.

That's a guilty look on Hector's face....

Rufus can't bring himself to look straight at the camera.

And who on earth is that with a tennis racquet?

Answers on postcards, via owls, email, polar bear or husky-pulled sledge.

The truth will out. Whose pocket money will be stopped to pay for the damage?

Love and licks H&R xxxxxx about to eat some gravy bones for inspiration.

March 4th 18.18

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus.................spring-like

There are only 56 night time sleeps til our birthday (obviously we do have occasional brief snoozes during the day, during which we sleep bark, waggle our paws and sleep growl for we are prolific dreamers. We have started to drop hints. I mean, these peeps, they need a lot of encouragement at all times, don't they?

This would be our perfect day.

1) get up early and chase cats up trees

2) go for a walk

3) have breakfast -sausages preferably and preferably served by the cats

4) open our presents****

5) watch while the female peep clears up the mess

6) go for a long walk and birthday swim

7) have elevenses, served by the cats

8) power nap

9) have some lunch- lamb chops would be nice

10) welcome all our friends to a party (invitations to follow) that includes lots of food- canine-apes, hot dogs, pigs in blankets, cheese and cake

11) play vigorous games that include jumping on and off the bed and over the sofa in the lounge and along the back of the sofa in the kitchen

12) have tea- roast chicken would be yummy. Eat up the remains from the party.

13) snuggle up to the female peep who we expect will be having a glass of wine by now.

14) time for a last game of crocodiles before bed

Please note that snacks will be required between points 4 and 5, 10 and 11, 13 and 14.

**** we are really hoping for two little blonde sisters. The triceratops we got for Christmas, along with the lamb in a onesie and the pig are no substitutes.

We can't wait.

Today's photos are for our friend Billy Ellison, a cockerpoo who isn't feeling very well. We hope they cheer him up and wish him a very speedy recovery as we're longing to meet up and play chase.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxx

March 4th at 20.15

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus...........................countryside reporters

So, peeps, how do you know that Spring really is on the way? Do you look at the calendar to see what date it is? Boring! Do you look at the BBC website? Dull! Do you ask the birds in the trees (don't be silly, peeps would think you were bonkers)?

No, no, no. Here is the obvious guide that has been missing from all of your lives and, thanks to us, you may keep in your online scrapbook.

1)The donkeys and ponies are inside for less hours than they are out.

2)When put out in the morning, they trot into the field, rather than lurk in the yard, hoping to sneak back into the barn to eat hay and go back to bed

3)We have upgraded crocodiles to pterodactyls- because we are full of spring

4)The female peep walks more normally as she has less clothes on and can move her legs in the correct direction

5)The female peep is prepared walk further (hooray!)

6)The female peep wants to play more tennis (boo, hiss)

7)We can see what we have for tea as it's still light (yes we are forced to eat outside, never mind the weather. It's appalling really -we mean just imagine meat, biscuits and snow- who in their right mind would want that? We have to force it down)

8)The donkeys start grumbling over the hedge -see photo of different grumbling donkey to yesterday

9)Lovely yellow flowers appear in the garden -see photo-but we get told off when we roll them flat -we're only making a book of pressed flowers for Ms Vi Merana, hoping she will be pleased with us

10)The male peep starts doing things up a stepladder (stand by with a mattress) and have the local A&E on standby

11)We love to play-actually that's not a sign of Spring because we're like that all the time

12)Jester starts to moult -evidence of this is best seen after you have hugged her when you're wearing navy blue

13)It's light in the morning for us to work on the tunnel out of our hovel, we mean hotel- mere slip of the paw there

14)The ponies start galloping round the field with their noses up, for no apparent reason

15)Calculations reveal that there are only 55 night time sleeps until our birthday

Stick with us peeps and the world will become an easier place to live in!

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxx boing, boing   

March 6th at 17.55

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus.........................not well at all

Ow, ow, ow!

Just look at those photos- we have tummy ache and are laid out on our backs. We were okay when we woke up anddid some useful work on our tunnel (it's coming on nicely but Ben keeps forgetting to wipe his paws so the peeps wonder where the mud has come from). Then we had our run round the paddock, watched the female peep muck out (and no, we didn't overindulge with the donkey poo), ate our breakfast, had our walk, chased some geese, had a splash and had a snooze.

In fact we've been fine all afternoon as we discussed the Eurovision Song contest and decided that our favourite entry was Puppy on a String sung by Sandie Dandie DInmont Shaw (no relation to Dandie Dinmont Murray, the tennis player) though Jester says she liked Gina G with Just a Little Bite and Ben was humming Making your Hound up by Barks Fizz.

No, it was just after a goodly sized tea that we were seized by indisposition and had to lie down. We are even writing this upside down, our innards writhing like angry snakes in a bag, colonic spasms shuddering through our tiny bodies and waves of nausea in our gizzards (have we got gizzards?).

We think we're feverish as well......

And probably about to come out in a rash.....

Which might be infectious......

Which means that on no account should we risk going to school.......

Please show your support by signing our petition.....

Love and licks H&R (very weak now.....) Xxxxxxxx

March 7th at 19.25

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus..................advocates of good manners and etiquette at all times

It is important at all times to maintain good decorum as this will endear you to the peeps and to all visitors. Here is an extract from our latest DVD (out now for only £817.23p plus p&p) entitled Labradorable - making your peeps love you even more.

Note how our star Ben is interested in the chew bone from the start but not over-excited. Choose (or perhaps chews) a chew bone that is guaranteed, according to the wrapping, to give your dog hours of endless pleasure. Make sure it is the largest size available.

When given the go-ahead, take the chew gently in your velvety chops and retreat to an isolated spot where you will disturb no one. Lie tidily. Eat slowly taking tiny bites or nibbles. Do not gulp or stuff your mouth full all at once. Do not rush. Check periodically for crumbs. Clean the carpet. Enjoy the deliciousness and let your treat last for a long time. Save some for later perhaps.

We know that lots of peeps rush their food (hence indigestion and burping), so peeps would do well to watch the video and follow the advice too, though they are allowed to sit at the table rather than lie on the floor.

Send for your copy now before they run out! They're selling like hot bones!

By the way, we were made to go to school last night. Someone rattled the gravy one jar and we Made the mistake of jumping up to get some . It was like Noah's ark- two labradors, two Great Danes, two dachshunds......and a spaniel, a husky and a chihuahua. Ms Vi Merana was in a particularly strict mood and made the peeps swap dogs! The female peep got the husky who promptly rolled over and wanted its tummy tickled and the male peep got one of the dachshunds which promptly bit him. The male peep is a bit feverish today and we can't work out why he keeps frothing at the mouth.

Love and licks H&R xxxxx

March 9th at 12.20

Well! What can we say? Let's all have a glass of Crufts Original sherry (stolen from the male peep) to celebrate our very own page! Please like and share and send barks to all your friends (think 101 dalmatians). The female peep says it's an early birthday present to keep us quiet and stop us going on about it as there are, of course only 51 night-time sleeps until the BIG DAY. And if you haven't received your invite yet, don't worry because we haven't sent them out yet!

March 9th at 13.40

if you're a new peep, you might like to catch up with our story so far on Acquaint yourself with our lovely half brother Ben and the wonderful Jester. Quake as you read about the perfectly terrifying Ms Vi Merana and school.Quite why we don't have a website of our own is nothing short of scandalous.

March 9th at 19.43

The first secret diary of Hector and Rufus which can be really secret as it's on our page and not the female peep's page..............feeling sneaky

It's been a busy day-when is it not? We have leapt, gazelle-like through the fields, swum like energetic otters and eaten our meals in a record number of gulps (we're trying hard to get this into single figures)

Here are two photos we took earlier. The more discerning of you will perhaps notice that they're not quite the same -very nearly but not quite. What could have happened?

A- there was an earthquake, 6.794 on the Richter scale at 1640h in North Yorkshire with the epicentre near Bedale

B- the male peep did some tidying up.

C-Jester fell off her steps

D- those cats are impossible- it was them

E- the male peep was looking for his knitting

F-the female peep whispered that she was going to make our tea

G- the Great Danes from school came round

Answers in the usual, or indeed any unusual way you can think of but please don't send too many owls and carrier pigeons as they tend to argue when they're resting on the rafters in the barn.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxx

March 10th at 12.20

We'll be writing more later (just about to have a brief snooze after a lovely walk) but we thought all our new friends might like to see why it is a good idea to have a big brother (Ben) and all our other friends might like to see this again.

Love and licks H&R (very wet) xxxxxxx

March 10th at 16.32

hh, it's the secret diary of Hector and excited.

So, let's start with the answer to yesterday's quiz. An amazing nine million of you entered and the postman is now in hospital with sciatica and stress, the barn is full of owl and pigeon droppings (upsetting the donkeys) and the Internet connection went down for three hours. None the less, thank you for all your wonderful contributions. The female peep was up all night going through the entries while we slept. BUT it is clear to see that some of you have yet to learn a lot about labradors. The answer, so as not to prolong your agony more than we have to was of course.......F! Mention out loud the word 'tea' to us (or breakfast, or elevenses, or lunch, or biscuit)and we go giddy with excitement! You've heard of a tea dance? This was the result of our preprandial dance. We can't understand why peeps don't do it too.

It has been such a glorious day today and our swalk (combination of swim and walk) was fab-u-lous. We were out ages because the female peep was trying hard to decide what's going to happen in the next chapter of her book. We've attached a little video so you can feel as though you were with us. We suggest you watch while in the shower, then you can appreciate the wet feeling also......

The male peep's thoughts are turning to getting a new car. One with more room in the back, we hope as we can only just squeeze in the cage and Ben has to go on the woof rack. We've all got our own preferences. Jester wants a Mercedes-Bones, Ben wants a Daewoof and we want a Range Rover. Mr Kipling and Tilly want a Purrrrgeot but they don't get a say as they don't go out in the car.

More soon, love and licks H&R xxxxxx

March 11th at 18.41

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus.................exhibiting the art of how to chill

Oh my goodness, whatever has happened here?

Has the evil lamb exuded some vile toxin that has rendered us comatose?

Did someone say the word 'walk'? (don't be silly, of course not- there's a clue for you)

Are we all too weak to move because we haven't had a biscuit for at least an hour?

Has a terrible assassin broken into the house and concussed us all?

Was the male peep talking to us about his photography and we just couldn't keep our eyes open?

Was the female peep talking to us about her tennis and we fell into a deep sleep of boredom?

Did Mr Kipling and Tilly put sedatives in our dinner because we said they couldn't have a purrrrgeot?

Did the donkeys rampage through the kitchen and tread on us all?

Or are we just too cool for school? Ms Vi Merana would beg to differ. We saw her at the dentist today having her canines sharpened for Friday.

Today's prize is (and no, Mary Butcher, we've not forgotten that you've won a fortnight with us at your house, which looks very nice by the way) a jumper knitted with wool made from Jester's moulting fur. Very cosy.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxx

March 12th

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus...........................on how to avoid a cat-astrophe!

Don't be worried peeps and four legged friends, just because we have nobly given up today's photos to our feline co-habitees (we were feline generous!-get it?), it doesn't mean that we aren't going to be able to give you some sound advice on life.

It can be difficult living with cats. Historically, dogs and cats have apparently always fought- well, like cats and dogs, but if you stick with our advice, then you too can live in harmony with your cat and listen to sweet mewsic together. They can, after all, be quite a-mew-sing.

Make sure that your cat looks decorative when in the house. They do spend a lot of time outside, having a tendency to clawstrophobia.

Sitting in cute positions near nearly matching mats will charm all visitors. They will be so enchanted that they won't notice dogs searching their handbags for biscuits.

Stretching out on a chair, will warm it nicely for when you want to sit in it- but make sure the cat has moved first. Cat claws in the derriere is neither a good look or a good sensation. It is also embarrassing when you go to A&E for treatment.

Train your cat to be like Mr Kipling and do the washing up. This means that peeps will have more time to play with dogs and after all we are much more fun.

If you have a dirty mark on your sofa -say for instance in the unlikely situation that there is a muddy dog paw mark, then get your cat to help out and lie over it, so that peeps and visitors will not notice but merely think that you have fur trim around said piece of furniture. Another trip to A&E might be necessary though if you try to remove it...

Secretly, we love Mr Kipling and Tilly but it would never do for that secret to get out would it? So shhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Love and licks H&R xxxxx

March 13th at 17.17

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus...............written in hiding. We can't possibly tell you that we're in the shed near the greenhouse because if we did someone might tell the peeps and then we'd have to go to school

Uh oh! we're in a tiny bit of trouble. Out on our walk today (we didn't swim because the river had been transformed by the overnight raininto a whirlpool of evil swirls), we lost our last ball. We blame Ben, who blames us and the three of us blame the male peep for not throwing it straight down the path and aiming for the bushes instead, saying it was character building for us to have to search.

So we had to search for our pocket money to buy some new ones from Balls r Us. We bank at Barklays, having transferred our accounts from Dogger Bank, which struck us as being a bit fishy with some of their dealings.Their staff were sole-less and most of them wore herring aids and couldn't understand what we were saying. Enough fish jokes.

We are quaking in our paws at the thought of seeing Ms Vi Merana tonight. Apparently Herr Dale-Terrier is going to be there too, to do psychological tests on us all but at the end, because it's soon St Patrick's day, Sam O'Yed is going to sing for us.

Last night we noticed one of the throws from the sofa was missing. Then Ben emitted some strange noises and was sick( you would not believe the amount) and we realised where the throw had gone........yuk!

Love and licks H&R xxxxx

March 14th at 17.09

The secret dairy (we are starting an ice-cream making factory) of Hector and Rufus (not Brutus, as Ms Vi Merana kept calling me last night).................................bouncing because we're happy, as usual

School turned out to be better than we'd expected. Ms Vi Merana was in quite a good mood for her and only set one curtain on fire when she shouted at us. When she burped, the chihuaha was only rendered unconscious by the fumes for thirty minutes and the new spaniel wasn't too upset by the terrifying sight of her new mutton chop (yum) sideburns that seem to have appeared since last week. Her outfit was, as ever, curious. Clearly hoping for the spring look, she was in a bilious green onesie with daffodil trim. A necklace made of bones from pupils who never graduated (so she told us) hung around her neck and kept getting caught up in her beard, which she had plaited for the occasion. We quite liked her Lab-outin shoes, though whether such precipitous heels should have two inch spikes on, is up for debate. We had to see Herr Dale Terrier as well, who had a very thin trainee with him called Sal Oooki. We were told we were too dogmatic and should think less about food (as if).

Never the less we were the best black labradors in the class. Yes! Again!

This afternoon the female peep arranged a small selection of our toys on the sofa -see photo. They'd all been lying on the lawn, where we had carefully arranged them just how we wanted them....It had taken us weeks. Now they're all in the washing machine, apart from one. Can you guess which? Don't just go for the obvious. The male peep can be very bendy when he wants and just look at the state of him- he definitely needs a bath.

Love and licks from H&R xxxxx

PS I was the best black lab of all.....signed Rufus

PPS Actually it was me......signed Hector

March 15th at 17.29

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus..........................thinking of our mum, and our brothers and sisters (see cover photo -a prize if you can tell which one is which)

Happy Mother's day everyone! We thought we'd treat the female peep to a special day, because she is so lovely to us.

We started off by making her breakfast in bed. Egg, bacon, sausages, a small cheese souffle and toast. We had a bit of a fight in the kitchen and the vibrations made a pancake fall off the ceiling (see pancake day entry). It landed on the male peep's head but he hasn't noticed yet....... Then sadly, as we were taking the breakfast down to the female peep who was lounging elegantly in bed, in her best Sainsbury's pyjamas, we were beset by hunger and ate everything. She's always preferred shredded wheat, thank goodness.

Since then, we have been exceptionally good all day apart from two hours after breakfast time when things got a little hairy, a few wild moments at elevenses, mania at lunchtime, craziness at afternoon tea time and now we are practising bouncing off the walls to generate an appetite for tea. Hector can now get from the sink to the sofa n one bounce- not bad considering you have to go round a corner as well.

Sadly, we don't have a video of our mum (though we have written to her today) so we thought you might like this one of Daisy, aged a few days only with her mum, Cleo.

love and licks H&R xxxxxxxx (we're off for a walk -yippeee)

March 16th at 19.55

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus....................terrified

Dear Peeps,

This afternoon the most awful thing happened. We can barely bring ourselves to write about it. Rufus is still shaking and Hector wants to hide in the kennel (aka hovel). Ben has an appointment with the vet for sedation and as for Jester....well.....enough said.

It happened when the male and female peep went out for all of ten minutes to put the donkeys' beds down.

We were minding our own business, having a snooze, dreaming of rolling in rotting rabbit carcases when it happened. First the doorbell rang angrily. We were afraid to bark.

Then the terrible sound of a crowbar breaking the lock and wood splintering. In strode fifteen burglars, all in striped sweaters and carrying bags marked 'swag', breathing fire (possibly relatives of Ms Vi Merana). They ignored our pleas for mercy and set about ransacking the room, throwing our toys everywhere and even throwing vegetables at us! Jester tried to intervene, brave soul that she is and they hit her over the head with a cudgel and she passed out. We sobbed, we howled, we bayed at the moon (difficult in daylight) but they persisted relentlessly.

They must have heard the male and female peep coming back because suddenly they ran off, leaping through the window already partially broken by the stray tennis ball, leaving the room in this parlous state and we didn't have time to tidy up....because of course we would have done.....


Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxx

March 17th at 16.22

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus............have your hankies ready today...

Our day got off to a bad start. Rufus ( I have no idea what got into him....signed H) was found ON the kitchen table and then he decided to splash in the water bowl and empty it all over the floor.

After sobbing for several hours, the female peep, once she had taken her tablets, bemused at such behaviour in a supposedly sensible eleven month old labrador rang........are you sitting down?.........Ms Vi Merana, who suggested an urgent appointment with Professor Belle-Jean Shepperddog, her right hand psychiatrist.

We were dragged along, whimpering, to his office, where the walls were decorated with photographs of his success stories. Rufus was made to lie on the couch and when psychoanalysis failed, he was hypnotised!

We can hear you sharp intakes of breath from here.

He was taken back to his childhood, right to being a tiny puppy and it transpires that this is where his bad behaviour is rooted. One day, an evil peep took us both under his muscle-y arms and shut us in our hovel (note hanging basket). The evil peep then told us to stay there until we could be good. Hector was able to escape (squeeeeeeeeeze POP!) but Rufus was too tiny and got left behind.

To this day he has never recovered. Flushed with yet another success, Professor Belle-Jean Shepperddog went out with Ms Vi Merana for cocktails and lunch, leaving instructions to the female peep on how to break Rufus of his bad habits.

Oh my word! Will it work? Or will Rufus be found on the table again (highly likely if there is food there as we have an agreement that he goes up there and nudges it onto the floor to share it with me.

We present the evidence of the way in which he was scarred for life and leave you to make your own decisions.

Sending gravy bones might well help both of our recoveries....please......

Love and licks H&R

March 18th at 17.33

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus.......................feeling clever

Calling all our friends - we've decided to enter a team for that quiz programme called Dogheads and our team is called Labracadabra because we're magic!

We will be auditioning soon, so get revising those special subjects as there will be test questions eg

Who wrote Jonathan Livingstone Beagle?

Who wrote Jane Airedale?

Who presents the cookery competition Mastiffchef?

Who starred in the detective series Pugney and Lacey?

Name three works by Johann Sebastian Bark

Name a famous painting by the well known artist Edgar Dogas?

If you can answer all these questions, you could be in with a chance of being on the team and thus meeting Jeremy Vinemerana in person!

We know that there will be fierce competition for places, so we've added a tie breaker. How many labradors in this photo?

Answers as soon as possible please!

March 19th at 16.57

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus...................happy - well, aren't we always?

The International Day of Happiness is today and we celebrated in true style by getting up with the sunrise, taking one of our beds outside onto our patio and performing major surgery on it. Evil clouds of green stuffing wafted around us and the female peep wasn't best pleased. She has just finished mending it on both sides (see photo) and we are concerned about two things

1) will the male peep notice that his pyjama trouser legs now finish just below his knees? Will he assume that this is the bermuda shorts look for spring?

2) there is an ominous looking bump in the middle and thinking about it, we haven't seen Mr Kipling for a while.......

Upwards and onwards. Yesterday's quiz was a triumph and we have managed to draw up a short list of 9,433 peeps who might be good enough to come on our team. The tie-breaker proved effective but so many of you beagle-eyed peeps got it right, that we've had to come up with another and make it more difficult.

So.....add the number of black labradors in today's photo to the number of black labradors on the oven gloves and the female peep's bag, subtract the number of yellow labradors that live here, multiply by the number of swear words the male peep will utter when he finds out about his pjs and then divide by the number of night time sleeps there are left until our birthday. Seeemples!

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

March 23rd at 21.02

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus.....................studying medicine (fast-track students of course)

Oh no! we have a patient in our midst! Poor Jester. We have donned our stethoscopes, tucked our reference books under our arms and taken a few labrium tablets....or are those meant for the patient?

She has two interesting symptoms that we would like to report.

1) extraordinary sneezing. Not a little sneeze but monster ones that make her shudder from her nose to the tip of her tail. They also make the house shake and the neighbours rang to alert the local meteorological office of an earth tremor at one point.

2) her bottom lip looks as though she's had a secret visit to a cosmetic surgeon for a trout pout but it's gone wrong The worst thing though is that is looks really sore and she keeps licking it

Rest assured however that she has gobbled up her tea and is looking for seconds.......and thirds.

Our heads are quite sore themselves from rubbing together whilst we come up with a diagnosis and cure. We've considered colliewobbles (nope, she's a labrador), malnutrition (unlikely), lab-yrinthitis but nothing seems to fit.

We think we might have to send her to the vet in the morning.....just so long as we don't have to go. We are still emotionally scarred from the orifice examination we were subjected to as puppies--------oh, we're off for a lie down.

And how did Mr Kipling get his photo there?

Love and licks xxxxxxxxxxx

PS-all suggestions welcome. Photo probably does not do justice....

PPS- she has just asked for fourths

March 24th at 17.57

The secret diary of Hector.........................Rufus is semi-conscious

We are still in the dungeon. How long we can withstand this purgatory (possibly pug-atory - our senses of humour persist undaunted) is anybody's guess. We haven't seen the light of day since we last wrote and the only bright moment was when I began to develop a meaningful relationship with an amoeba called Tarquin, but then Rufus drank him, so that was that. He also found and ate 2 gravy bones so now we owe 2618.

Our rations have been reduced to one crust between two. We are being driven crazy by the monotonous drop....drop..... of water from the ceiling, alternating with the rat-a-tat-tat of hailstones beating down. It's either that or the female peep practising her tennis.

When will we be let out and forgiven?

We heard via the spider (see yesterday) that Jester is still exploding when she sneezes and has a very sore chin, so has been to the vet and is on antibiotics. The female peep made a big deal about how good she was (Jester, that is) at the vet and not like us. Well, we and you know why, don't we? Clearly no orifices were examined.

We had a fab walk today by the river and did lots of splashing. (Rufus- Hector, quick rub that bit out! We're in a dungeon remember and I'm too weak to move).

Our plea for gravy bones and forgiveness continues. Please send donations now!

Though weak, we send love and licks H xxxxxxx

PS Did someone mention supper? Hector -rub that bit out too!

March 25th at 17.17

The secret diary of Hector and!

Yes, we've been let out of the dungeon and back into the house, where we've been allowed to listen to some of our favourite music, The Corgis and Bruce SpringerSteen, watch Rufus Hound on TV and do some painting- we're working on a picture called the Laughing Cavalier Spaniel. It's part of our homework from Ms Vi Merana, along with some grrrrrrrrammar.

But, as you can see from the photos, our investigative skills were called into action on our walk. What on earth might have happened? We galloped to the scene of the crime as fast as we could, having heard a bloodhound-curdling scream and then set to work trying to find out the truth.

Readers, here is a puzzle for you today....

What did we find (see second picture)?

a) the male peep at the bottom of a disused well?

b) a rabbit corpse?

c) a beg of gravy bones in a rabbit hole?

d) some fox poo -the photographer refused to capture the moment when we rolled in it?

e) some lovely spring flowers which we picked gently for the female peep?

f) the chihuahua from school (well it is very tiny)?

Will you be able to work out the correct answer?

Jester still has explosive sneezing but her chin is looking better.

We are so pleased to be free but please keep sending gravy bones cos we like a snack.....

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxx

March 26th at 17.35

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus.....................lying in a darkened room

Twas a spring-like morning, apart from the howling gale, bitter temperature and splatters of snowflakes the size of dinner plates, but not to be put off, we went off on our perambulations and ran as fast as we could to keep warm. We ran so fast that the colour drained from my (Hector's) skin and all Rufus could see was spots before his eyes (see photo).

Very disturbing....We're having a lie down - no way are we going to the v.....e......t.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the mysterious sneezing syndrome continues. Poor Jester - no wonder she looks worried, is waiting for the next explosion. We have had to start using plastic plates and cups as the best bone china kept juddering to the floor as she sneezed. She has got through forty-nine packets of tissues (extra strong) and come up with yet another use for what's left of the throws -pawkerchiefs. Her chin is much better, so the antibiotics are helping that but as for the sneezing, well, that's another matter altogether. The more cynical might suggest that she is allergic to naughty black dogs but that can't be right.

This morning we greeted the day by taking one bed and two pieces of vet bed out of our hovel and giving them a wash in the rain.The female peep kept her temper remarkably well, managed to eat all of her cinnamon and raisin beagle, but then we went and spoiled thing by eating a sandal, well two actually, one each.

Hey ho. All in a day's play.

Love and licks H&R (available 24 hours a day to help declutter your house by eating it) xxxxxxxxxx

PS -today's quiz is which of us is which in the photo of the three of us running?

March 27th at 1749

The very secret memoirs of Mr Kipling, cat in charge

Ha ha ha. They're in big trouble again and not allowed to write their diary. They never learn. Another bed destroyed last night! Hector's excuse that he dreamt that he was eating a marshmallow and woke to find half his bed missing did not go down well, nor did all the bilious green stuffing that decorated their luxury kennel, patio and lawn (do not believe them when they describe otherwise - they are just trying to encourage sympathy and gravy bones.)

So intent on getting back into the good books, comments today have been heard along the lines of 'we can't wait for school', 'Ms Vi Merana is our role model,' and 'please can we take Ms Vi Merana some chocolates and flowers?'

Who are they trying to kid?

Of course as a cat, I don't need school, because my behaviour is purrrfectly purrrrfect and I'll just do what I want anyway. As I don't often write, here's a little more information about me.

Favourite mewsicians (Henry Purrrrrcell, Cat Stevens, Catatonia), Favourite food (mewseli, mouse-saka and mice-cream

Favourite song - Feline groovy

Favourite TV programme - Top Cat

Favourite film -The Sound of Mewsic

Favourite hobbies -annoying the dogs, sleeping, dozing, strolling and hunting

I've attached three photos - one of my handsome self, one of me being energetic on the activity centre and one of me.......kissing the dog (Hector). Ha ha ha- he'll never get over the embarrassment of that

Kind regards

Mr K

March 28th at 17.26

Back again! Normal service is resumed! The secret diary of Hector and Rufus..............triumphant!

Of paramount importance is that we get one thing straight without further ado....I, Hector, did not kiss that cat! It is merely photographic trickery, nothing more. It was very naughty of Mr Kipling to imply anything else. Kiss a cat! As if!

School last night was a great success. We were the best black labradors in the class. Ms Vi Merana was at her most amiable and ordered us to help cut her toenails, which had grown through her shoes and were projecting like weapons of torture from her stilettos (ocelot skin). She had tried using nail scissors, garden shears, a power saw and a pneumatic drill but nothing had worked. Even her own teeth had failed. So she had put them back in her mouth.

The new yellow Lab puppy is proving to be a most amiable chap and we are forging a close friendships (hopefully more successful and long-lived than the one I had with Tarquin the amoeba - see 2 days ago) in the hopes that the female peep sees how good we are with young yellow things and grants us our birthday wish of two blonde sisters. It was a stroke of genius on Ms Vi Merana's part when, in the exercise where owners have to swap dogs, she gave the yellow lab to the female peep so they could bond. However things are still looking bleak on that front since we momentarily forgot to be good and ate another sandal and took two beds outside overnight.

Rufus was particularly well behaved at school, demonstrating an advanced technique which none of the others do. When asked to sit, he decided to lie on his back and smile upside down at everyone, wagging his tail. The male peep wasn't best impressed.

It was a relief to get back to Jester, who is still not very well and a bit sad. Mr Kipling tried her with a joke yesterday - 'Why don't cats shave?' 'Because 8/10 prefer Whiskas.' She has more intelligence than to laugh at such childish humour.

Between you and us, we're a bit worried about her.

Today's photos show Rufus' proclivity for unusual sleeping places. He is barking, simply barking....,.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxx

March 29th at 20.36

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus........................looking labradorable

Well, for once, we are not the ones in trouble. We're finding this unfamiliar territory slightly unsettling but more than pleasant as we smugly perch on the sofa and practice our 'please feed me' looks -see photo.

Instantly, we are aware that you are all agog, dear readers, wondering how this unique situation has come about. Well, here is the complete and unexpurgated story.

An unblemished record of more than 15 years standing fell by the wayside this morning. It's Palm Sunday (only a week until the female peep, chocolate-less since Lent, can have a Twirl bite) and at the crack of dawn and LEAVING US BEHIND, the peeps set off with Bonnie the donkey in the trailer for not one, but two processions. First they went to St Mark's, where the female peep was ably assisted by a small boy whose favourite animals are orcas and wolves, though after today, donkeys have risen in the ranks. All well and good. A huge success. The church kitchens were raided for biscuits, much appreciated

Quick cuppa with the female peep's sister then off to St Andrew's for a walk around the park and then into the church. It was packed to the gills (but there weren't any dogs -grrrr) and the loud songs of praise sent tingles up and down the spine until.......Bonnie, half way up the aisle, had a massive, splattery poo!

Luckily mops and bucket appeared from nowhere and the general feeling was one of hilarity. Maybe it's a good omen?

Clearly feeling very relieved, Bonnie's exemplary behaviour returned and she stood still for hymns and then trotted out.

Then the peeps came home and we were allowed to get away with all sorts of terrible things!

Tee hee! This is the life!

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxx

March 29th at 19.34

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus........................looking labradorable

Well, for once, we are not the ones in trouble. We're finding this unfamiliar territory slightly unsettling but more than pleasant as we smugly perch on the sofa and practice our 'please feed me' looks -see photo.

Instantly, we are aware that you are all agog, dear readers, wondering how this unique situation has come about. Well, here is the complete and unexpurgated story.

An unblemished record of more than 15 years standing fell by the wayside this morning. It's Palm Sunday (only a week until the female peep, chocolate-less since Lent, can have a Twirl bite) and at the crack of dawn and LEAVING US BEHIND, the peeps set off with Bonnie the donkey in the trailer for not one, but two processions. First they went to St Mark's, where the female peep was ably assisted by a small boy whose favourite animals are orcas and wolves, though after today, donkeys have risen in the ranks. All well and good. A huge success. The church kitchens were raided for biscuits, much appreciated

Quick cuppa with the female peep's sister then off to St Andrew's for a walk around the park and then into the church. It was packed to the gills (but there weren't any dogs -grrrr) and the loud songs of praise sent tingles up and down the spine until.......Bonnie, half way up the aisle, had a massive, splattery poo!

Luckily mops and bucket appeared from nowhere and the general feeling was one of hilarity. Maybe it's a good omen?

Clearly feeling very relieved, Bonnie's exemplary behaviour returned and she stood still for hymns and then trotted out.

Then the peeps came home and we were allowed to get away with all sorts of terrible things!

Tee hee! This is the life!

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxx

March 31st at 17.58

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus, or is it Rufus and Hector?

With only 30 sleeps until our birthday (invitations going out soon), we thought it was about time for an end of term test. We have broken up for Easter and said a tearful growl to Ms Vi Merana, the most inspirational woman in our lives (she might be reading this). So, pawse a while and have a look at these photos......You may be very glad of some alternative entertainment while you watch out of the window at the trees blowing horizontal and the snow coming down.

Who's who? 2 photos show dogs looking noble and statuesque, the other two show close ups. No air brushing has been needed. You can't improve on perfection. But are they photos of us? Or just one of us? Or is one of Ben? Or are they all of Ben? Don't be fooled by collars -you know how we swap them around just to be naughty.

Let's call them A -dog in chair, B -dog on floor (unusual, we admit), C -straight on face, D - appealing.

Answers on a postcard, or via the wind. Eggstraspecial prizes as it's Easter! A gravy bone filled Easter egg- your peep can eat the choc shell, a rabbit, specially caught by us and us coming to stay with you for a month, on our way back from Mary Butcher (no we've not forgotten).

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxx