The Official Website  for Carol Margaret Tetlow

June 1st at 15:35 ·

The secret diary of Hector and therapeutic mode.

The best way take the female peep's mind off the male peep's absence is to keep her busy. We have proof of this theory as she is currently lying down in a darkened room asking for a four month holiday in the Bahamas or anywhere that dogs can't go (we don't understand what she means by that).

So from the break of day, we have upped our game and 1) made a terrible mess in our hovel because we were playing at shredding machines 2) ripped up the cushions from our beds (again) so they have had to be sewn up 3) swung from the rafters meowling and growling until she took us for a swalk 4) trained for the World Crocodile championships and 5) jumped on the clean duvet cover with everso slightly muddy paws, leaving just the tiniest bit of evidence (Locard's principle for those of you with a forensic mind) that we had been there. In the hopes of some respite, she went off to play tennis but our rain dance worked instantly and she was soon back home, whereupon it stopped raining. Good, eh?

Not ones to let her sit still, we advised a new game and here are pictures of us watching. What was she doing?

a) knitting us winter jumpers

b) cuddling Jester

c) eating biscuits

d) foraging under the kitchen sofas and as a result finding 3 flipflops all from different pairs, one telephone (last seen last September -yes, really!), eight balls, some poor toy animal's foot, one rawhide chew, one bone, four pens, more stuffing than she cares to admit to, a rope toy, two cat toys, one dog lead and four forgotten dog toys

e) sleeping the sleep of the just

f) talking to the male peep

g) sewing up our bed.......again

Answers on postcards please. There is an exciting prize for the winner......

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS -aren't we lovely?

 June 3rd at 17:59 ·

Dear Ms Vi Merana

I am very concerned about Hector and Rufus' progress. Though they are maturing into very good looking dogs, they seem to have got worse, with regard to their behaviour rather than better, despite your weekly intervention.

They have developed an intense desire to eat each other and attack at every available opportunity. One will hide and then pounce on theother with a growl for maximum impact. It is nothing short of miraculous that they both still have four legs and two ears and a tail. The more noise they make and the more mess they make, the happier they are. They do not like the house when it's tidy (rare I know but it can happen) and definitely do not like being ignored for more than half a nanosecond (eg when a call of nature has to be answered).

Please see photos which I have enclosed as evidence. Is this testosterone rising in their blood as they hit adolescence head on?

Is your training not working?

Are you putting amphetamines in those treats you give them?

If none of these, how long will it last? I have heard that labradors don't calm down until they're at least seven years old. I am not sure I can cope with all this until then.

I have tried everything. I read to them nightly from improving texts (they particularly like Hairy Potter by JK Growling), I let them write their own diary, I give them biscuits with natural 'sedatives' in. On the rare occasion when they do something right, they are showered with praise. Should I be thinking of................and I hesitate to mention this..........orchidectomy ie having their 'bits' chopped off.

Are you running any residential summer courses that they could attend (price no object).

Yours in hope

Female peep

 June 4th at 17:08 ·

Extract from a note found on the female peep's pillow, late last night.....

Dear female peep, please don't despair,

Just like a nice dog should

We'll sit and stay and even fetch

And promise to be good.

We're only young and full of beans

We mistake our toys for food

But our hearts are full of love and trust

And intentions to be good.

We're lovely pups, the best of pets

Who would prefer a piranha?

And you will love us even more

Just don't send us to Vi Merana.

We'll concentrate on all our tricks

And you just won't believe

The elegance and charm conveyed

In our triangular retrieve.

We won't chase cats or bark at cows

We'll swim and come when called

So you will burst with pride and love

Instead of being appalled.

We're sorry that we've tired you out

And caused you all this sorrow

We promise we'll be really good

Well, at least until tomorrow.

There are actually another 79 verses but enough said - you can have too much of a good thing....

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

June 5th at 16:13 ·

The Secret Diary of Hector and Rufus...............................FAMOUS!

What a day we've had and it's not over yet - there is still school to come and we just hope Ms Vi Merana has forgotten the forms for her residential summer school, where rumour has it you get pawridge for breakfast and supper and a slice of pawpaw for lunch. And nothing else.

Firstly our lovely Aunty Helen came to visit and brought gravy bones! And then we took her on a swalk as it was such a lovely summery day. We went to the river and round by the brewery, past sheep and llamas and tiny ponies. We know how to give a visitor a good time.

Anyway, we were tearing along the river bank at our customary top speed (blurs, we were, blurs on the horizon) and spotted a most charming lady coming towards us with dogs. Well, it would have been rude not to go and talk, wouldn't it? So we dashed over, looking completely and utterly irresistible and she said,' Is this Hector and Rufus?'

Wow oh wow! She recognised us from our photos on here!

We wriggled about ingratiating ourselves with her and her bouncy, wet dogs and we got................gravy bones! She had them in her pocket (note to female peep -this is what you should have in your pockets, not pear drops).

We are now overwhelmed by our fame and practising our pawtographs, though we are determined not to let it turn our heads. We are also quite tired, dare we admit, as it was a lovely long swalk and we want to be in good nick for school. So we're off for a quick power nap before tea.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

June 6th at 15:51 ·

The secret diary of Hector and's out!

School was poorly attended last night so not many were able to appreciate Ms Vi Merana in her Victorian swimming costume, bucket and spade earrings and black lace leggings. We were curious about the outfit which was surely somewhat reserved for her but she explained that she was getting ready to go on holiday and our hearts leapt with joy as she said we had three weeks off!!!! We do wonder if she mistook us for someone else as at the end of the class she gave us jumbo chew bones each, plus one for Jester and Ben! Has she turned over a new leaf?

So after school, a quick game of crocodiles, a jumbo bone, a couple of cushion assaults and a few laps of the garden, we settled down to plan our own holiday and came up with the most ingenious idea, which we believe all you friends will love. You can book through us and we will take care of all the arrangements.

The holiday is called the Great Sausage Trail.

We travel by coach to Pawstmouth, via Barkshire and then catch the ferry to Pawtugal for a little Pawtuguese Chowrizo. Following this we will visit areas reknowned for their sausages, with of course, much tasting included. First stop is Toulouse, then Frankfurt, over to the USA for some pupperoni and then back to the UK to Lincolnshire, Cumberland, Richmond and Walls(end).

We bet you're salivating as you read.

Prices start at £5931 which includes all the sausages you can eat. Book now to avoid disappointment, otherwise all you'll get will be a postcard, impregnated with the aroma of cooking sausage.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS- the female peep has had us out in the orchard fetching her tennis balls (see video below) and we were actually very good and reliable at it though she said the balls were very slobbery….

June 7th at 18.16

The secret medical dossier of Hector and be included in the next edition of the well known publication, the International Journal of Troublesome Labradors.

The subject is a one year old black labrador. Overnight he has developed two bald spots on his head -one of which is shown in the photograph. He was too embarrassed to have the other one photographed. His general health is good. He has not been feverish, has normal bowel and kidney function and his coat is in excellent condition. His diet includes dog meat and biscuits and anything else he can get his paws on.

On examination he has two bald spots -one 1cmx1.5cm on the R side of his scalp, one 0.5cmx0.5cm on the top of his scalp. There is no scaling of his scalp but slight redness. All vital signs are normal, including temperature. He declined a rectal examination, which is not thought to be necessary in this case.

What is the diagnosis? Is it

A) alopecia areata -stress related

B) the result of going through a prickly hedge

C) trichotillomania (the habit of pulling out your own hair, eyelashes etc)

D) the outcome of a very nasty fight with his twin brother and if there are any more of these then they will be off at a pace to have their bits chopped off?

The photo of Jo the po is simply to cheer everyone up, because it's a sunny day.

Answers by swallow please.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS we have a swallow's nest in our hovel! Obviously they don't like peace and quiet!

June 8th at 17:24 ·

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus......................a momentous day

A year ago today, we were very, very tiny and wriggly with lovely big soft tummies and living with our mum, brothers and sisters. It was a lovely, lovely place, with large lawns, huge trees and sadly a fence to keep us in. We were adventurous from the start.

Minding our own business one Sunday afternoon, we were taken aback to receive visitors, which was a shame as we'd hoped it was teatime and that was why peeps were advancing towards us. We stopped playing and ran to the fence. There was a lot of ooohing and aaaaahing and then I, Hector was plucked from the crowd (these peeps know quality when they see it) and given rather a lot of cuddles by a female peep and a good looking over by a male peep, who was trying not to be soft but failing miserably. I'll soon sort him out, I thought to myself.

To my horror my claw was anointed with girlie red nail polish,obviously some sort of secret sign.

The peeps all went away then but ten days later they came back and found me again and after much muttering, chose Rufus as a companion for me, so I wouldn't be lonely.

We got in what we now know is a car and went for a very long drive. Our strength of character was obvious from the start as we were not sick on the journey - not even a tiny bit.

So we arrived at Lamb Hill, which we can safely say, without a shadow of a doubt, has never been the same since.

June 10th at 21.23

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus..............................enjoying the summery weather

Ooof! or should that be wooooof! We've rather been felled by this sudden heat. Being black has its advantages (easy to hide in a coal cellar or at dead of night and we look good in any colour collar) but also its disadvantages, in that we get hot very quickly.

Much as she loves us when we're pooped and flat out, the female peep took us to the river this morning and we showed our gratitude but demonstrating our diving prowess. Yes, we are going to be diving dogs. None of this creeping in paw by paw at the shallow end. No, we just go for it, point our toes, tails and ears and hope the water's not too cold. We met some friends, one of whom ate half our ball (this was a dog friend by the way, not a peep).

We were quite tired this morning because we had a very busy night. After a restorative dognap, we decided that we would move the rubber matting that our beds are on and that is carefully cut to fit snugly in our hovel, outside for a good airing and this was not an easy task as it involved getting it round three 90 corners and through a tiny door. The peeps were so impressed that they were speechless. At least we think that's why they were speechless. It probably was that but it might have been the lovely asymmetrical hole that we've eaten in the hovel wall or the chomped up bedding we've spat out on our lawn or the hole under the fence that we've nearly finished. Well, you've got to make the most of these light nights.....

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

June 11th at 20.34

The secret diary of melting Hector and Rufus......................canine solar panels

Today has been one of great excitement as no sooner have we finished barking at one visitor than another one arrived. We are quite hoarse as a result and are hoping that gargling with river water in the cool evening sun with be curative.

The first to arrive were two scantily clad, suntanned men with chiselled chins and lots of muscles (not that the female peep was looking, of course) who had come to fit solar panels onto the garage roof. They introduced themselves as Peter and Paul. The female peep asked where Mary was (this joke may only be relevant to those of a certain age) and was told she was in the back of the van! Anyway, they needed a good telling off for going on the roof and then sitting in our garden with their elevenses and not offering us a biscuit.

Then our friend Olwen came and she had posh chocolate biscuits which we weren't allowed but it serves the peeps right as the choc melted and now there is just one huge biscuit, which the female peep plans to eat later.

Then a surly man came with some timber. We wee'd against his tyres as he didn't want to talk to us.

Meanwhile the postman slipped in without us noticing! We are ashamed.

The female peep was on the radio this afternoon, talking about her books. She was allowed to choose the music and we are disappointed to say that she did not choose 'love me, love my dog' or 'hotel california' by the Beagles. She did choose 'beyond the Sealyham' by Bobby Darren though, so we will forgive her.

She's asked us to say you can listen on iplayer and details are on the ?#?Teviotdalemedicalcentreseries? page. We hope that works. The only links we're interested are links of sausages!

More tomorrow

Love and Licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

June 12th at 20.41

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus..........................looking to make money for gravy bones as the supply here is strictly rationed -bah!

Those dear readers who have been following our words of wisdom for some time will not need to be told of our ingenuity and vivid imaginations. Frequently called upon by the rich and famous and highly intelligent for our advice, there are any matters on which we have given our opinions and changed the course of history.

Spending, as we are, rather a lot of time lying down in this heat, we have come up with a cunning ruse and have decided to open a zoo. All public welcome. All public enter at their own risk. Animals will be roaming freely. Entry is free to come up the drive and then £47.31 to come in. This does not include tea at the cafe (we haven't told the female peep about the baking she is going to be doing yet.......we are choosing our moment carefully. There will not be pancakes.)

Of course there will be donkeys to see, a pair of ponies and one tortoiseshell cat (though this does mean visitors will have to walk into the bedroom and look in the wardrobe). There will be (extra payment required) a Hunt the Mr Kipling competition and we will have a stern word with a few rats and rabbits and ask them to participate.

Not content with the above, we have some special animals -see photo, a giraffe, a lion and an elephant. Guaranteed to last at least a week, as they have no stuffing, the sight of these three in the field will delight and terrify. Note to selves- mow the field first or else nobody will be able to see them in the long grass.

When peeps have finished looking round (we're guessing approx 5 mins) we will round them up and herd them into the cafe where there will be a variety of refreshments -smoked salmon and cream cheese beagles, light as Airedale Victoria sponge and also some chocolate, AKita-Kats and Maltese-rs.

It will be a bargain day out and much recommended for families. We are planning on charging a mere £23.97 to get out. We can't understand why nobody's had the idea of an exit charge as well as an entry charge. It's sheer genius.

Looking forward to seeing you all soon. The millionth visitor (estimated time of arrival 54 minutes after we open) will be given a prize!

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS has the heat gone to our heads?

June 13th at 16.00

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus..............................shhhh, we're sleepy

It will not have passed notice that we spend much time advocating food and exercise as essential ingredients for good health. There is nothing quite like sixteen meals a day (or more, if you can manage it) and at least four long walks to promote a shiny coat, predictable bowels and a cold, wet nose. And we're not just talking dog chums here, this applies to peeps too. Remember our exercise CDs are available at minimal cost also. Hector and Rufus lycra leotards and leggings are coming soon.....

However, there is another vital component for good health, longingly adorable dark brown eyes and a waggy tail (not that bit for peeps, that would be silly) and that is REST. We have typed this in Parisian letters (well, Paris is a capital) because to many of you, the thought of us resting is as alien as us kissing the cat (we are hoping the negatives have been destroyed -it was trick photography, honest).

Rest, relaxation and sleep promote active cerebrums, energetic cerebellums and lots of grrrrrrrrrrrey and white matter. Dreaming is good too and we like to do this vigorously with lots of lip curling, gutteral growls, toe twitching, sleep barking and Rufus is particularly good at a banshee howl while fast asleep but doubtless dreaming of the postman or other such intruder.

Sleep is good anywhere but recommended places are the peeps' bed, the spare bed, the sofa, the other sofa or the comfy chair in the conservatory. If at all possible, avoid the floor, any dog bed (they are for eating, naturally), the drive or lawn.

Dog naps should be short but power restoring. Just when the peeps think it's all calm and have got out that 1000 piece jigsaw and balanced it on their laps, then is the time to wake up, bounce up and throw yourselves at them in a manner which suggests you've been apart for a fortnight.

We get lots of letters from fans with insomnia.

The answer is obvious. When you can't sleep - you simply count peeps.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

June 14th at 14.00

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus........................concerned

Why is Jester so sad? (see photo)

We've scratched our heads and compared theories and we're still not sure, so that's why we're asking you, dear readers.

a) is she hungry?

b) has she lost her last gravy bone?

c) is her bed not properly warmed?

d) has she been threatened with a bath?

e) does she want a new collar?

f) does she want to watch Game of Bones on TV?

g) has she got tummy ache?

h) is she missing the sunshine?

i) does she want to go swimming?

j) did she not hear that the peeps are having chicken for tea?

k) can she not wait for the female peep's next novel to come out?

l) has she had a bad dream?

m) does she wish we'd got two blonde sisters for our birthday?

We really don't know. One thing we're certain of is that it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that we've spent the whole day playing crocodiles with the volume turned up full, playing chase which meant we fell on top of her several times and there have been very few seconds when we haven't been barking and growling at each other.

It's a real puzzle......

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

June 15th at 17.35

The secret diary of Hector and prepared for a shocking truth!

Dear readers, male and female, dukes and duchesses (please note Prince George was seen out playing crocs -or was he wearing them, anyway, we digress) peeps, all species both vertebrate and invertebrate, including the much missed Tarquin the amoeba, Hector's first pet),

For months now, in fact almost a year, we have regularly been accused of making a mess, being untidy, causing work, being uncontrollable and as a result we have had to endure many gruelling lessons with Ms Vi Merana, currently swimming with whales, or was she going to Wales -we're not sure.

Now at last we can exonerate ourselves, hold our heads up high and strut, knowing that the truth has finally been told.

While we were out eating our tea and giving the bowls an eleventh lick ( you can never be too careful), the female peep took this photo which provides conclusive, incontrovertible evidence that it is not us who commits these misdemeanours but.........Ben!

Caught in the act!

We rest our case. All those who thought we might be naughty, send ten gravy bones now.....or else.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

June 16th at 22.00

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus...............................puzzle setters extraordinaire.

The female peep says we are always writing about ourselves, which surely cannot be pawsible, though the clue is in the title, wethinks.

So, to appease her today we are setting a difficult competition for you all, in case you are bored and need mental stimulation (don't forget our exercise CD though -that's excellent for releasing endorphins and lightening the psyche).

Indiana doesn't appear very often on this page, partly because she - in a diva-esque- way, thinks she shouldhave one of her own. We quite like her because she rubs noses with us when she comes out of her stable and passes us when we're sitting on the bales of hay, watching the mucking out.

Here she is, outside the barn. Let's call the photo in which she is looking to the left A and the photo where she's looking to the right B.

In which photo is she looking acutely embarrassed?

Why could this be?

How relieved are we that we've got short coats?

Why is Rufus turning brown in the sunny weather?

What's for tea?

More importantly, is it tea time yet?

We had a cracking crocodiling fest this morning. Even the lampshade was crocking from side to side.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

June 18th at 21.35

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus...............................yum yum yumWhen we woke up this morning

We thought that it might snow

For when we looked outside our door

The clouds were lying low.

But then we rubbed our dark brown eyes

And started lots of woofing

Because we realised after all

It was just our toy lamb's stuffing.

We took our beds out on the lawn

To give them a good airing

Then tore them up and spat them out

Without really caring.

Before we knew it, two men came

With tools in lots of carriers

They made their way down to the barn

Because they were the farriers.

They wrestled with the naughty donks

The pos were really good

Blood was shed, bad words were said

And some were really rude. (but we didn't listen)

They drank some tea and carried on

The job was done by eleven

Then we discovered something new

And boy! We were in heaven.

We'd never realised cos we were young

We were never told of this by mummy

That when you need a snack or two

Then hoof clippings are really yummy.

Phew! That was an effort!

Love and licks H&R (still chewing) xxxxxxxxxxxx

June 19th at 20.55

The secret diary of Hector and your heart out Tom Daley

When we can't sleep at night and even counting peeps doesn't help, then our big brother Ben tells us stories of his childhood to steer us in the direction of the Land of Nod.

Often he talks of Douglas, Jester's brother, who was world famous for, among other things, his diving ability. No riverbank was too high, no cliff too craggy. Douglas would just throw caution to the wind and launch himself into the unknown. Maybe not the wisest choice of action but nevertheless he did.

So we decided that it is only right and proper to do our best to emulate him and whilst we may never achieve the heights (literally) that he did, we can have a jolly good try.

Here is our first attempt. We drew gravy bones before to see who should go first. Rufus won. He needs to learn to point his paws.

Hope you enjoy.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS we can't write much as our pal Noah has come to play

PPS we hope the video is the right way up!

June 21st at 17.55

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus ...................................on father's day

We were never lucky enough to meet our real father, who goes by the noble name of Dalvoulin Fraser of Drakeshead and so have had to concentrate our celebrations on the male peep, who as a result, seems to be rather the worse for wear. We cannot understand why.

To get his day off to a cracking start we jumped on him while he was still asleep and once he had tended to hisbruises and abrasions, we helped with the mucking out and poo-picking.

He seemed to enjoy the exhibition game of crocodiles we put on for him while he was eating his breakfast, despite quite a lot of bran flakes ending up on the floor and we do hope he liked the artistic mess we made in his study when we dissected the contents of his rubbish bin. The cynical amongst you (who have seen the state of his study) will be saying - 'he'll never notice the difference. We refrain from comment. But it was good fun.

In a show of affection, we went for a swalk and rubbed up against his legs when we came out of the icy cold water, then jumped up to kiss him and leave our signature paw prints.

By lunchtime he was needing a lie down after our constant attentions had worn him to a frazzle.

Had he been looking, we wouldn't of course have eaten his elevenses but thought he didn't want those digestive biscuits as they were on the plate for a good five seconds without moving.

We have followed him with dogged devotion all afternoon and he is requesting some Crufts Original sherry .............and it's only 16.28, so he must be in a very cheery mood! He's back in his study and for some reason, he's closed the door but we suspect he's planning a surprise for us.....

We have a rather delicious tea pending as we have visitors and there are some tasty leftovers (why do peeps not eat up?) and they've been promised to us.

So, look closely, which one of us is which?

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS Jester is fine, she just didn't want to take part as she's snoring.

22nd June at 12:45 ·

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus...................................just when we thought it was safe to go out

The postman has been, bringing with him several adverts, a bill from Yorkshire water, a letter for the female peep of huge importance (it has typing on the front, so it must have been) and..........a post card from Ms Vi Merana!

This is what she said....

Dear pup-ils,

I am having a lovely time in Wales with Herr Dale-Terrier and Belle-Jean Shepperddog. It is curious that nobody at the hotel wants to sit with us at dinner, for which we always dress in our customary inimitable style.

I sincerely hope that you are behaving yourselves, not giving your peeps any claws for concern and remembering to do your homework. I have decided that the work I set you to do in my absence was not enough so before I see you both a week on Friday make sure that....

1) you have read Sit and Stay by Donna T'move

2) memorised chapter 386 of Fetch by Eva Ballasfarasyoucan

3) written an essay on How to make my owner proud of me

4) designed me an outfit for the Great Yorkshire Show(I was asked to leave last year as I was apparently scaring small children and animals)

5) made a start on the nine volumes of Good Dog by Ida Doanythingforyou.

See you soon,

Yours menacingly

Ms Vi Merana

As you can see it was quite a large postcard and her writing is quite tiny. As you can also see from the photo, we're working on order no 1.

love and licks a traumatised H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

23rd June at 15:21 ·

The secret diary of Jester....................................can it really be only a year?

Thumbing through my own diary, which is much more secret than those boys and also not easy to do because of my arthritic paws, I came across an entry from a year ago, describing the arrival of two wriggly puppies.

What an eventful year it has been. How much greyer we all are, since they appeared on the scene. How much more untidy is the house? How many beds have they eaten? How many times have I had to give them admonitory warning growls and flash my canines at them because they want to sit on the female peep but it's MY turn?

Is it any wonder that we are all on vitamin pills for extra energy, antioxidants for extra tolerance, calmer downers for when it all gets too much and speeder uppers for when we need a kick start in the morning?

But there is always a positive slant to life's problems and without Hector and Rufus, I wouldn't have had all those extra helpings of food to snaffle up, all those gravy bones or a nice new (well it was nice and new until they got hold of it and then it went the same way as everything they get hold of) Joules bed to lie in regally and watch TV. Nor would I have got a leopard skin collar (eat your heart out Ms Vi Merana) for Christmas, which gives me a certain cachet, I think you'll agree. And I get to sleep in the house.......

I've included a photo of one of the things I loved most -bouncing. Sadly I won't be doing it this year - a girl has to retain her dignity, after all and too many anti-inflammatories make my tummy rumble so I hope those naughty black nephews of mine manage to bounce as well as I did. I doubt it. I was amazing. Happy memories.

Love Jester xxxxx

25th June at 15:34 ·

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus.................................incredulous

Look carefully at today's photo. What does it tell you? Can you not see the despair, the horror, the shock, the pain in our eyes? Get out your tissues and weep with us. Something awful has happened.

It is true, we accept, that sometimes we could behave better. But our excuse is that we're young, carefree, happy go lucky and like to live life to the full. We've barely been here a year and plans are being made to replace us.

We're sorry, we must stop a moment to wipe our eyes and noses.......

We've done our best to be loving and what's wrong with being energetic? We've gone out on walks with the peeps, even when it's raining and freezing, just cos they made us and we always lick our bowls clean ( and theirs, given the chance).

We don't bite other dogs; the wounds on the postman and that man who delivered something the other day are very superficial and will heal soon with very little scarring....

The cushions on the sofa are very nearly the same shape they used to be and the Dyson doc says the vacuum cleaner will soon get over the stress of living in this house. Most of our paw marks have come out of the bed linen and we know we've eaten rather a large number of beds but chewing is important for first class dental development and we are living proof that shredded vetbed in small quantities on a daily basis is good for the coat.

We sit patiently by the gate while the peeps pick up loads of donkey poo every morning, we try very hard (though it's difficult) to keep the noise of crocodiles down - we do get carried away - and we are busting a gut to keep up at school and please the peeps and Ms Vi Merana. We've nearly perfected the octadecagonal retrieve now as well.

So why do the peeps feel the need to swap us for a new dog?

Apparently it's very quiet, doesn't bark, loves being in the garden, where is plays all day before going to sleep. It also has a very small appetite.

Oh goodness, we've been overcome by tears and sobs again.....sorry.

We are too upset to write any more today but will continue tomorrow. We have to go to the shops now as we have used up all the tissues, kitchen roll, toilet roll and the male peep's trousers, wiping our eyes.....

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

26 June at 17:42 ·

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus..........................secret investigators....

After a sleepless night, we decided that we need to investigate, incredulous as we were that any peep in the universe wouldn't want us living with them.

We donned our deerhoundstalkers and puffed on pipes (licquorice ones because we are too young to smoke) and Jester even played a little sonata or two on the violin to help us think. The Hound of the Baskervilles has always been one of our favourite stories, with Sherlock Bones, the hero solving all the problems. This we felt was a three pipe problem so our teeth were a bit black by the time we'd finished.

Nevertheless, we bounced into the orchard, ready to meet this new dog head on and sort it out, once and for all. GRRRRRRRR!

It's not a dog at all! It's a robot lawn mower. It gets up at 0900 every morning (except Sunday) and trundles around silently until 2100h at which point it puts itself to bed ( no staying power - we get up at 0500 and stay up until 2300!). Our gravy bones are safe as it doesn't eat anything except grass and it's certainly not going to be sitting on the female peep's lap. The male peep is transfixed by its every move.

Even more importantly, the peeps had no intention (well, no more intention than when we've been very naughty, ie 95% of the time) of sending us away, so thank you to all who offered us board and lodgings. So as not to disappoint, we will come and stay anyway on our holidays but we will give you a few hours warning, so you can stock up on gravy bones and cheese

We're so happy that we've not yet started baying for our tea and it's after half past five but we won't last much longer because our tummies are telling us they need food.

You will notice from today's photos that we're not really ready to go close enough to be photographed with this new creature. Hector did bump into it by mistake and then ran a mile!

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx    

28 June at 16:47 ·

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus..................feeling vindicated.

We knew it! Yesterday the new 'dog' didn't get up at 0900 as it was supposed to and was still in its bed at lunchtime! We, on the other hand had been up since 0500, airing our beds in the way only we can and barking loudly to let the happy visitors at the holiday cottages next door know that it wasn't time to get up yet. We're considerate like that.

Today, robodog is having a day off! Well, we aren't! We've had a lovely day, doing all our favourite things, swalking, shaking ourselves over peeps we don't know, giving the eye to a rather attractive little black dog called Minnie (she liked the wet dog look) and this afternoon, we've helped the female peep do the gardening in our own inimitable way. We rolled on lots of flowers, which she didn't seem to appreciate any more than she appreciated finding that wooden spoon from the kitchen (now half a wooden spoon) that she's been searching for, for weeks.

Still, once we'd finished, the beaglonias, scarlet puppies, lab- elia and gerrrrrrrrrrrraniums looked resplendent and even the female peep agreed she deserved a gravy bone, which we will eat for her.

Ben seems to have got ideas above his station today and is of the belief that we will respond to authority. He has another think coming.....

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

30 June at 12:06 ·

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus................................sweltering

Now, readers, it is indeed very warm today so we would like to pass on some handy hints about how to keep peeps cool and thus calm, which obviously is to our advantage. We believe the government has also issued some advice but they have forgotten certain vital instructions.

1) Bark loudly as the sun comes up over the horizon to ensure that the peeps wake up and take you to the river very early.

2) Sit on the peeps' laps and pant hot breath over them, preferably not halitotic as this upsets them.

3) Splash in the water bowl con brio. This has two effects - it means you have lovely wet, cool paws to go and massage the peeps with and it also washes the floor, so that's one less job for the peeps (clever, eh?)

4) Lie on the bathroom floor so that they trip over you when answering a call of nature. The they too can benefit from the chill of the tiled floor while they are flat out.

5) Keep doors open at all times (see video -yes we know lots of you have seen it before but it's one of our faves).

6) Keep the windows open at all times -this means if Mr Kipling swaggers past on the lawn (as is his wont), you have rapid access to a good chase.

Don't forget to remind the peeps that although the heat may extinguish their appetites, labradors still need feeding. But the good news is.....................gravy bones and sausages don't melt.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The Secret Diaries of Hector and Rufus June 2015