The Official Website for Carol Margaret Tetlow
1 July at 17:43 ·
The secret diary of Hot Hector and Roasting Rufus.................feeling the heat
We're really feeling rather hot
Laid back and way too mellow
Being black is not much fun
And nor, says Jester's yellow.
Every hour or maybe sooner
We have to go get cool
And stagger round the garden lawn
To splash in our paddling pool
Half way through this afternoon
Our world was full of wonder
The heavens opened, rain fell down
And we were scared of thunder....................eeek!
It's still to humid, far too warm
perhaps the wind will blow
Because what we'd really like if poss
Would be a blast of snow
We're upside down and panting hard
We'd like to go to sleep
But we have to keep an ear on call
For the sound of the female peep
She's watching television now
It's really such a menace
With sweaty socks and sun kissed calves
Since she took up with tennis.
She's promised us an early tea
With meat and ice cream cones
But what we'd really like to have
Is unlimited of gravy bones.
Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
3 July at 10:13 ·
Dear Hector and Rufus' peeps,
Please do not forget, on any account, that today, Friday, is the start of the summer term at my school for reluctant dogs who need reprimanding and dealing with.
Certain items are essential if your delinquents are to flourish to the maximum under my extraordinarily excellent tutelage.
1) Volume 4 of 'A healthy digestive system' by Wendy Windblows
2) The latest edition of 'Home Sweet Home' by Euripedes Cushions
3) A copy of Mountain Rescue for Dogs by Eva Rest and Anna Purna
3) 'On guard' (vol 3) by Colin Andseeme
4) 'How to catch crabs and not get nipped' (vol 7) by Bea Chutt and Sandy Castle
5) Swimming trunks (our swimming lessons are for boys and girls so modesty must be protected at all times
6) 6 Slazenger tennis balls (for epic retrieves)
7) sun block to protect noses
8) plenty of chocolates, red wine, flowers for the teachers
Failure to comply with the above mandatory requirements may result in your dog having to attend extra sessions or even boot camp over the summer holiday (no dog has yet survived the rigours of this event, during which NO gravy bones are permitted).
Vi Merana (Ms)
PS see you this evening.......................or else
4 July at 16:37 ·
Copy of letter to the peep in charge of the Guinness Book Records
Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing to ask if Hector and Rufus qualify for the World record in the category -
Last night they were put to bed in their hotel (they insist on calling it their hovel) as usual. it was a hot, sultry night and thunder was forecast. It is important at this point to add that they sleep with their big brother Ben, aged 5, who does not like thunder, in fact, his terrified of it.
At 0300h, the thunder and lightning started with a vengeance, waking us peeps up and thus alerting us to the fact that Ben would be worrying. The male peep nobly went out in the pouring rain (stair rods) and brought back Ben, who settled down in the kitchen. He was under the impression that Hector and Rufus had gone back to bed.
At 0500h the female peep could not bear the constant barking from Hector and Rufus which was disturbing everything within a twenty five mile radius ( we had a written complaint from a field vole and a very angry phone call from a family of rabbits), so got up and went out to let to let them in too. Whereupon, they went absolutely stir crazy in their joy to be indoors in the early hours. They trashed the sofa, bounced up and down on the female peep who had given up on any chance of more sleep and was trying to have a cuppa, which went all over her. She was wrapped in a duvet at the time, so doubtless they thought it was a giant maggot on the sofa which needed to be 'dealt with'. Having fractured about a dozen of her bones, they turned their attention to the male peep (still in bed) and did the same to him. Even Jester could not bear to be in the same room as them as they went into super-
Unable to bear any more, the female peep went outside only to find that they had trashed the inside of their hotel -
It has taken us all day to recover.
Please accept this submission to your book, which we hold in high regard. We think their record will take some beating.
The female peep, who needs to go back to bed.
5 July at 17:47 ·
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus...............................trying
We have been doing our best to make amends for yesterday. We didn't welcome the dawn with a barking chorus, we welcomed the peeps less effusively than normal (only inflicting 3,759 bruises on each of them, usually it's well above 5000), we obligingly played in the garden while housework was done and we snoozed labradorably while the female peep went to play tennis.
It was all going so well....
So why did we fall from grace yet again?
We honestly couldn't help ourselves. Lovely friends came to visit and brought us toys, a pink one (for Jester,but we thought we'd play with it for her) and a blue one -
Because the peeps were all gossiping, we decided that we'd see what was inside our new toys as we are working on a secret plan for a sausagemeat containing toy and need to assess the best way to secure the maximum volume available for this. Before we knew it, the kitchen was full of clouds.
Be reassured, visiting peeps, that we loved our presents and our analysis was for scientific purposes only. The female peep is hoping that a little reconstructive surgery might restore the pink toy to almost its former shape though sadly we have eaten the eyeballs.
Being good is SUCH hard work.
Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
7 July at 16:30 ·
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus............................only being sensible
Well, what's a pair of boys to do?
We've eaten the nice beds with colourful covers, we've demolished the comfy beds full of white clouds, we've decimated the expensive beds and ripped up the cheap beds. On a mission, we've shredded the vet bed, the old blanket and the knitted blanket and we're close to completely ruining the big plastic beds (they've taken a bit longer as they're tougher.)
So, we have nowhere to sleep.... Thus, see photo, we have done what is only natural and obvious and moved onto the peeps' bed, which is deliciously soft and cosy, with nice covers (ie not too many paw marks on them) and there are some large marshmallows to rest our heads on.
Job done. Move over peeps. We have taken over.
On the subject of the peeps, we came in from the garden to find the male peep wrapped in a towel and the female peep armed with a large syringe and bowl of water. What was going on?
a) a cooling shower
b) colonic irrigation
c) ear syringing
d) brain biopsy
Unfortunately we don't know the answer as when the female peep produced a large and lethal looking hook, we fainted.
Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
8 July at 18:24 ·
The even more secret memoirs of Ben, Hector and Rufus' big brother.
I don't often get the chance to write-
I have had a very terrible day, indeed a few days. To start with it has been very humid and thundery and since some very loud and nearby fireworks a few years ago, I have suffered from post-
But, on hearing this morning that a swalk was on the cards, I decided to be brave and jumped into the back of the car. I sang all the way, as is my wont, because I was so excited. I was minding my own business, trying to keep H&R under control (not a job for the faint-
Luckily, despite all my worries (yes, let's face it, I am a worrier) I managed to consume a huge supper so all is not lost.
Yours, with affection, Ben xx
PS I could not permit a photo of me with a swollen face, so this is afterwards
9 July at 11:17 ·
Anyone seen Hector and Rufus?
It's time to go to the vet for their routine jabs, but they're not to be found anywhere.
Funny that, as the female peep can't find two of her hoodies either. Not that there can be any connection whatsoever..
10 July at 15:19 ·
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus
Harrumph! So we were duped! Bundled into the car as if we were going swalking but parked in town. We came up with the alternative destination of school as our leads had been placed around our necks prior to setting off. We didn't think it was Friday but Ms Vi Merana moves in mysterious ways and she might have changed the day.
Eeeeeeeeek! We were ushered at speed through the front door of the vets' surgery. And who was coming out as we were going in? None other than Ms Vi Merana and her sabre tooth tiger puppy. The vet looked understandably shocked and scared. Blood was dripping from his fingers -
We glanced at one another. Had our tutor been in to deliver our psychological reports from Herr Dale-
Rufus (big girl's blouse) refused to get on the scales and had to be coaxed/cajoled/bribed/pulled/pushed/lifted by crane.
Once weighed, we disappeared one at a time into the inner sanctum. No mention was made of our rather strange gaits but that's the only way you can walk when you're clenching your orifices tight shut......just in case.
The vet read our psychological reports and...............laughed! He said that's what labradors are all about! There was no mention of our compulsive bed eating, toy destruction, insatiable appetites or webbed feet.
But ouch! Our jabs hurt! We are really too sore to go to school this evening but the vet wouldn't write us a letter excusing us and nor will the female peep. We must exaggerate our limps.
Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
11 July at 15:32 ·
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus ........................................too warm
We are watching Wimbledog with the female peep. It's nice to see there is a spaniel in the final and that Sue Barker is doing the commentary. We've even spotted Boris Barker (surely a relative -
We've been acting as ball dogs for the female peep who has been practising her serve (again................yawn) but we do get rather frantic in our attempts to jump and catch, so now we've come inside for a rejuvenating nap. We also put the tennis balls in our water bowl.....ooops!
Rufus was excused from school last night as the male peep was feeling wobbly (the sight of the very large needle used for our jabs was more than he could bear) so it was the female peep and Hector who set out in an intrepid fashion. Despite the presence of Ms Vi Merana's sabre tooth tiger pup (who kept licking his lips in a worrying way) Hector managed an excellent dodecahedral retrieve, walked quite well off the lead to heel but failed miserably to lie down when asked or sit and stay. It was very warm.....and that's his excuse. Ms Vi Merana was in a summery outfit of a luminous yellow string vest and some turquoise shorts, decorated with some manic-
Please send recuperative gravy bones..
Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
13 July at 10:25 ·
Urgent weather announcement from BBC Exelby!!
A totally unpredicted snowfall shocked residents when they awoke yesterday morning. Flakes the size of lamb shanks (but fortunately not as heavy) were lying on the grass...............and weirdly in the kennel as well.
Three labradors seemed unconcerned and definitely not suffering from hypothermia as they jumped andplayed in the recent meteorological catastrophe.
Scientists are baffled as to whether (no pun intended) this snow was caused by the angle of the moon in relation to Pluto, a belated effect of the summer solstice or the purchase of three new beds from Pets at Home. The debate looks likely to continue for many months to come.
It took peep residents a long time to clear up, aided and abetted by the dog residents who were then sent to sit on the very very naughty step and not allowed to write their diary, which they were bursting to do as they'd done something very exciting but that will now have to wait until tomorrow...............providing that they're good today.
And now it's back to the studio...…
14 July at 14:18 ·
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus.....................splashing and back in the good books (possibly, but don't bank on it)
We went to the seaside! We've never been before and we just loved the miles of sandy beaches which were there just for us to run up and down. We weren't at all frightened of the waves and Hector even put his nose on a jellyfish! He soon gave up when he realised it wasn't strawberry flavoured and there was no ice-
We had hoped Jester would come with us but a) she plonked herself firmly in her favourite bed and refused to move and b) it would have been a bit too far across the dunes for her to managed. We told her all about it though and gave her salty kisses when we got back. When we shook, half a tonne of sand came out of us, so she got the idea....
Ever heeding the dulcet tones of Ms Vi Merana, which whisper to us at all times, we did a frank and full biological search on the beach to further our education and found paw prints from a dog fish, shells, shark teeth, seaweed, a starfish and crabs. In the sea we found floating poo! Thanks to Rufus! The female peep had to wade in and retrieve it.
We rolled over and over in the sand until we were unrecognisable and then slept all the way home because we were, for once, exhausted.
We can't wait to go back. The river is good but not as good as the sea.
Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
16 July at 12:49 ·
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus..............................abandoned
Left we were. For a whole day. With nothing but a bowl of water, a huge garden to play in, a day's supply of gravy bones (which we ate in 4.8 seconds), shelter in our hovel, beds to chew, donkeys to watch, a cool barn to sit in if we wanted. Outrageous conditions in summary, as we are sure you'll agree.
The peeps went off to the Great Yorkshire show and told us that dogs were not allowed! Not allowed? Dogs? We like to go everywhere!
They seemed to have a good day out and as a sop brought us hugely expensive turkey treats ( a whole turkey would have been preferable) and liver treats, which are, admittedly very nice as as we don't bear grudges, we gobbled them up quicksticks.
We were so pleased to see them that we splashed in our giant water bowl as soon as we got into the house and then spread the water all round the kitchen before jumping up at the peeps to welcome them.
So, despite a long walk in the bean field today, with much bouncing (they're obviously going to be jumping beans) and a quick cool off in the smelly lagoon, we've had to dream of the seaside (to which the male peep has returned today.....without us -
Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
17 July at 17:00 ·
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus....................paragons
well, it's been an ordinary sort of day, all things considered. In fact, so much so, we could do with a bit of excitement. For some very unusual reason, the female peep had to wake us this morning from our slumbers! That's a first! We can only think we were having a quick power nap having already taken the contents of our hovel outside, leaving everything in the rain. Then after a limbering up session of crocodiles ( an excellent way to start anybody's day -
The male peep panicked. The female peep said let's wait half and hour but at the end of that time it was worse, so the vet was rung but was out. The male peep paced up and down, waiting for a phone call back. He wore out a path in the carpet and spilt his tea.
'He'll not be able to go to school like that,' they decided.
But then the female peep decided to check on the patient and noticed there had been a dramatic and complete resolution of all the symptoms and the patient was now playing the extra-
The jury is out as to whether he got better because he heard he didn't need to go to school or because he heard the word 'vet.'
This afternoon, we've been fed carrots and unripe plums, taken for a walk, helped pick up tiny apples from the orchard, been arrested by the police and put n jail and now the male peep is playing policemen (he has the inspector's cap) outside.
Oh and Ben (please note -
As we said, a very normal day really.
Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
18 July at 15:45 ·
Dear Hector and Rufus' peeps,
I am appalled. My dear, cute, tiny, cuddly, innocent sabre tooth tiger puppy has eaten his bed! He has pulled out all the stuffing and made a mess. The day prior to doing this he got a pork pie off the table, which was going to be part of my lunch (along with 24 sausages, a family sized quiche and a haunch of beef -
Behaviour such as this has never been known in my house and in all my days of training sabre tooth tigers.
I can only assume that Hector and Rufus have been exerting an influence on him! I am almost certain that I saw them whispering to him last week and I found a very obviously home made pamphlet entitled 'How to have your bed and eat it' under the cushion (that was) of his bed.
I meant to address this very serious issue with Hector and Rufus last night at school but they did not attend, which merely adds fuel to my suspicions.
However two very good black labradors, who I did not recognise and I had never seen their collars before, turned up for the first time. They said their names were Hamish and Richard and they were very well behaved and showed the whole room how to do dodecahedral retrieves (Hamish was best).
So I felt compelled to write and convey my distress.
Please stop your dogs from having an evil influence on others.
Vi Merana (Ms)
Ps I enclose a bill for the new bed
20th of July at 11.36
For masquerading as Hector and Rufus, two one year old black labradors called Hamish and Richard. They are easily identified as they are well behaved, do not eat their beds, do not empty the water bowl and do what Ms Vi Merana asks without quibbling.
Last seen doing perfect (nearly) dodecahedral returns in the Chantry Hall, Bedale and eating smoked sausage.
Meanwhile, Hector and Rufus have not been seen. Please keep an eye open for them. Distinguishing features include
1) they are black labradors (not many of them in N Yorks)
2) Rufus likes to drink with one paw in the water bowl
3) Hector likes his ears wriggled
4) Rufus likes to sit on peeps' shoulders when they are sitting on the sofa
5) Both will do anything for gravy bones
6) They secretly believe they are crocodiles
7) They have sore bottoms as they have no beds to sleep on
8) They are usually wet through
9) They like kissing ponies
10)They can hear cheese being unwrapped from 200m away
If you see either Hamish or Richard (photos below) please get in touch with the North Yorkie Police. They (Hamish and Richard) may be armed with soft toys they have not destroyed, so tread carefully.
100,000 gravy bone reward for Hector and Rufus' safe return (anytime after Thursday, so we can have a bit of a rest first).
21st of July at 19.33
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus.............................home sweet home
We are home again, though there is some dispute that this photo is us and not those pesky impersonators, Hamish and Richard as we are sitting so well. Believe you us, nearly a year under the rigorous auspices of Ms Vi Merana and anyone would sit when told.................and we did get a gravy bone for doing it.
We were hiding out in Bedale, begging outside the butcher's, in the hopes that someone would toss us a discarded bone or a rib eye steak or some sausages when we caught sight of the female peep sobbing to a friend at the fish stall (it was market day). We cod-
It's brill to be back and we're off to have our tea, singing a new tuna we learned called 'How much is that dogfish in the window?'
Love and licks (good photo, eh?) H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
July 22nd at 21.45
Ladies and Gentleman, presenting the latest in boy bands, the latest phenomenon to sweep through the pup world, booked to appear on Top of the Pups.....................The Bedale Brothers (no relation to the Beverly Sisters).
From the left we have:-
Ben, the oldest member of the group. He is the lead singer.
In the centre, say hello to:-
Rufus, famous for his wriggling body movement that drives female dogs wild.
And completing the trio is:-
Hector, twin brother to Rufus but slightly (everso slightly) less maniacal in his everyday behaviour.
This not very tuneful trio have it all. Charisma, good looks, animal magnetism. Their repertoire is vast. From Bark to Depussy, Grrrershwin to Lambchopin. Even extracts from all your favourite mewsicals (with occasional guest appearances by Mr Kipling and Tilly) -
So book now. For only £350,497 a night you can be the envy of your friends by having the Bedale Brothers sing at your party, wedding, anniversary,celebration!
July 24th at 20.585
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus.................................oooh!
What is going on? The cushions are in place(if not very straight), there's no stuffing on the floor, no random legs or bits of stuffed toys. Even the carpet has been hoovered.
1) It's not our house
2) we're expecting visitors
3) we have turned over a new leaf
4) this is how it always looks and we've been having you on for the last year
5) They're selling our house!!!!!
6) we were out for a swalk and for approximately 3 nanoseconds the house was tidy
It's a tricky one. Answers by pony and trap this time please. Splendid prizes for those who are right.
Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
July 25th at 22.00
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus..............................having a happy day
It was all quiet on the river bank. No other dogs were in sight, the sheep were well away from the path and leads were definitely not needed. The gentle breeze made the long grass shudder sensuously ( we are turning our paws to romantic fiction) and the whispering leaves on the trees was music to our ears. A sleepy sun kept peeping from behind a cloud and a gaggle of 23 Canada geese were having a chat on the river. Actually they were having a chat on the path, but when we ran up to join them, they flew off! We can't understand why. Possibly because Jester ate one of their relatives a couple of years ago.
The male peep was strolling in a carefree manner, hands in pockets, sucking an aniseed ball, the female peep bobbing along beside him and occasionally rabbits scuttled from one burrow to the next.
An idyllic setting for a bucolic (or was than bubonic) walk.
Then the female peep, lurched down the side of the river bank, balanced precariously on a tree root on one foot, holding onto a branch with four fingers (she chopped the end off her thumb last night while cooking -
Wobbling attractively, she waited and waited amidst the tranquillity until.........
Rufus went for a swim!
Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
July 28th at 20.55
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus......................believe it or not, speechless
Wow, these guys are professional! We thought we were good but, credit where it's due, we pale into insignificance when compared to our new role models, who came to visit yesterday. Previously content with throwing a few cushions around, rearranging the sofa, eating a few dog mattresses and playing crocodiles, we know that we are simply not making the most of our talents.
We bow to our visitors.
Within minutes of their arrival, the lounge floor was covered with train track, three jigsaws, the lego and the magnetic building bits. The out came the tiger tricycle, the beanstalk game and all the cars. Moving swiftly into the kitchen, before we could say gravy bone, the table was covered with glue, felt tip pen and glitter, eighty four pictures had been completed, the floor sparkled (with glitter, not because it was clean) and pipe cleaners had been turned into various species of animal, not yet recognised by the National Zoological society.
Pausing briefly to play on the swings, sit on the tractor, play in the straw and then eat pizza and ice cream, they then set about making buns to take home. One egg in the bowl, one on the table! Sugar all over the floor -
The buns were iced, so was the table. How many sparkly stars can you get on a bun? You'd be surprised. The rest -
Then they ate them but did they give us one? Huh. Mind you, not that we'd share our gravy bones.
One then had a bath, the other sat in the shower (without water) and then it was back to the swings, draw some more pictures, do another jigsaw, make another train track.....at which point we gave up and went to sleep on the peeps' bed. We were exhausted just watching. So we missed the fish fingers for tea.
It is clear, after a good night's sleep that we have to up our game to compete with these professionals.
Watch this space and watch out peeps!
Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
PS Jester's look says it all!
July 29th 19.47
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus....................mwa-
Male and female peeps and peepies -
Are you ready for something completely different? A new attraction?
But....... have you nerves of steel? Can you handle horror, frights bad enough to make your hair stand on end and not go down for two weeks and terrible shocks? There is even a resident doctor on site for the lily livered (though she has retired but she remembers a bit).
If you feel brave enough.............come and visit ...................The Hovel of Horror!
Enter at your own risk.......
Climb through the gate, making sure to avoid concussion on the bar that's been put across to stop us jumping out and make your way around the patio before entering the hovel. Watch out for splinters where we have chewed the wood and don't trip over the horseshoe which we keep in there for good luck. Then fight your way through the remnants of blankets and clouds of stuffing to our sleeping area, where our upturned beds are likely to fall on you with no warning. The luckiest of you might find the end of a gravy bone, the less fortunate will have to make do with a corner of knitted blanket or an old stick. Jump out of your skin when our central heating clicks on and give your hay fever a treat by smelling our hanging basket. Something soft and creepy might touch your skin. Is it a piece of vet bed or is it a ghoul's flannel?
If you survive you can have your photo taken when you come out. Bloodless skin decorated with the sweat of fear always looks good on camera.
We wanted the female peep to do tea and cake but she won't so we've been forced to reduce admission to £95.99 pp or £201 for two.
We look forward to seeing you!
Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
July 31st at 21.56
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus....................full of concern for the peeps.....
The female peep is in the naughty corner, wearing a pointy hat with a big 'D' on it (actually it's ours but we've let her borrow it as we haven't needed it for a couple of hours.) We were having such a good time in the orchard -
We are hoping she is not let out of the naughty corner in time for school......Such atrocious behaviour deserves at least four hours of punishment.
Meanwhile, the male peep has just been found talking back to a sheep who was bleating behind the hedge and he thought it was the female peep calling him! He really ought to clean out his hearing aids more often and also remember to put them in his ears....
We are feeling way too tired for school. Ball-
Jester's not in today's photo as she is very busy moulting. We are collecting her hair and are going to spin it and then knit jumpers which we will be selling here for only £3641.21p each (that's the smallest one). Obviously the larger sizes cost a bit more.
Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The Secret Diaries of Hector and Rufus July 2015