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The secret diary of Hector and Rufus..............................off to have their eyes checked.
The female peep insists that we visit the optician. We cannot see what she is talking about (but admittedly that could be the problem). She insists that on our swalk today, we were about to rub noses with two deer but never saw them! We had no i-
Well, we were too busy having a lovely muddy walk, maximising the potential of all the large, diabolically filthy puddles and having a competition to see who could get the dirtiest. It was a close run thing.
We had to have a bath when we got back, so we all smell delicious now but we weren't in the least bit tired so we galloped round the house and made everything wet, which added to the realism of our game of crocodiles, as they surely live in swamps.
The kind female peep then gave us some lovely little round white things which she said were special biscuits and we gobbled them up and felt strangely sleepy. The last thing we heard before we fell asleep was her chuckling -
Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
PS for those of you who think we only have one chair in this house and have to share it -
PPS Please send gravy bones.…
The sercet watery diary of Hector and Rufus..........growing gills and scales
Who cares if clouds are dull and grey?
Who cares if gales roar?
Who cares if rain comes pouring down
And batters our back door?
On Friday eve at nearly eight
There was a sight you would not believe
When Hector executed with panache
The triangular retrieve.
To celebrate we had a chase
And round the house we thudded
We have to exercise as we can
As our favourite walks are flooded.
Because we cannot walk and swim
We're getting rather lairy
Our games are getting out of control
Our crocodiles rather scary.
At ten this morn for just a mo
The house was nice and neat
Then we got going on the sofa
And helped out -
But now we're being very good
Four model dogs are we
Because we've heard some rumours
That we've got chicken for tea.
Yum yum yum!
Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
PS photos of 1) our helping housework and 2) our tea!
The secret diary of a very excited Hector and Rufus
As is customary at this time of year, Ms Vi Merana is letting her (currently) burgundy streaked with orange ringlets down, looking out her party dress and shoes and throwing a party tomorrow night! Everyone who is anyone will be there. She, along with her staff, Belle-
It will be lovely to meet our fellow pupils under more relaxed conditions, Hulk, though we know he's feeling a bit Husky, thanks to a cold, Grace, the great great dane and of course the lovely, luscious, lascivious Lola.
We have been warned to be on our best behaviour as we are joining the class below us, which means that we might meet up with Alice Sation, Bernie Smountaindogg and Celia Hamterrier.
There will be games galore and festive treats (eg mince pies without the pies bit and made with real mince), turkey flavoured gravy bones (or indeed any flavour gravy bones), sausages (never mind the 'on sticks' bit) and cat shaped biscuits (ha ha, Mr Kipling).
We are planning our outfits so watch this space AND we have another trick up our sleeves (well we would if we had jumpers on).
To keep the female peep sweet, we've given her an early Christmas present -
Oh and that's Hector looking mouthwateringly handsome......
Love and licks H&R
1 December at 17:12 ·
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus........ready to party! And Ben is coming too! Don't we look impressed!
love and licks xxxxx
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus...................party animals
What a party! we took Ben with us to add an element of confusion and we all wore our festive collars. Needless to say we were eclipsed by Ms Vi Merana who was a vision of silvery scales from head to toe in a backless catsuit with hood, but even this could not contain her now golden waves which cascaded down her back, neatly disguising the problem she had with hirsutism.
We played games all evening. Rufus won the sitting on newspaper competition and Hector won -
We danced to Scottish country music and the peeps played a peculiar game where they had to swap hats while we walked to heel and tried not to bite each other.
Spirits were high as presents and cards were shared.
Never has Lola looked more lovely but there was no mistletoe as Ms Vi Merana does not like to encourage liaisons between pupils (sob). We exchanged cards though and we have put hers up on the wall in our hovel.
When we got home we took off our festive collars but......shhh.....forgot to put our other ones on. Will the peeps be able to tell us apart?
And why is Mr Kipling's tree up but not ours?
Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus.........................on the naughty steps
The female peep is only letting us write on the condition that we confess our sins.
It is hard to do this because of the overwhelming aroma of rotting fish that is currently emanating like radioactivity from Ben. We went to survey the damage by the river bursting its banks and apart from the disappearance of fences and lots of debris there were some fish carcases (poor fish) just waiting to be rolled in. So he did. He also stood waiting to have the gate opened, despite there being no fence on either side of it.
He will be washed shortly in the most girly perfume the female peep can find.
As for us, well what are boys to do when they know that their Christmas presents are in the wardrobe in the spare room? Go and get them out, of course! We were so proud we came running up to the female peep to show her, not expecting the reception that we got. We thought she'd be very pleased with our retrieving techniques. And now Jester is in trouble too because she is now lying in front of said wardrobe, willing the doors to open automatically, so that she can get the edibles within.
So our postures are apologetic, our heads hung low and we foresee that the gravy bones will be rationed today.
The ultimate punishment -
Love and licks (but don't get too near to Ben) xxxxxxxxH&R
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus........................banished to the coal hole (if we had one).
Oops! We did it again. Talk about Ground-
Thanks (or rather no thanks) to his anosmia, the male peep cannot smell it but the female peep is walking around with breathing apparatus on, trying to make a point.
We suspect Santa Paws might be bypassing us this year.
So, more cat photos......sob sob sob
Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus......................we really are trying, Santa
Only 5 more sleeps til Christmas
When all will be quiet as a mouse
For us though, well, we're troubled
as we're still deep in the doghouse.
Despite our best intentions
It really isn't funny
And it doesn't help at all that Ben
Has rolled in another rotting bunny.
How could we have contained ourselves?
No way, we're just not able
We had to do it, yes, we did
When we saw the dancing Santa on the table......(sadly it doesn't dance anymore).
We've chewed off the scissors' handle
And Rufus has scoffed a sock
But all is well that ends well
As he sicked it back up by the grandfather clock!
But we haven't touched our presents
We've left them well alone
We've sat quite still, bar wagging tails
And barely had one gravy bone,
So we're vaguely optimistic
That if we can stop Ben from humming
Then if we're even gooder
Then Santa Paws will be coming..…
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus...............................getting really really worried now....
We are trying our very hardest to be good but it just isn't happening. Whatever we do seems to go wrong! We admit that we might have committed one or two minor indiscretions but the peeps seem to think they're quite serious and are contemplating writing to Ms Vi Merana to ask for extra corrective training next term.
We need your advice. Are we really naughty?
Yesterday, the male peep decided, as he does, that three days before Christmas was the perfect time to shampoo the carpet in the lounge. He was so excited about how it looked this morning that we came running in from the garden, where we had been digging, to see what all the fuss was about and now there are our paw marks everywhere......
Also yesterday, it was the female peep's birthday. We gave her a lovely day, including letting her take us for a swalk in the rain. But then she went out in the evening with the male peep and we were just a tiny bit restless and Rufus got on the kitchen table, pushed down the roll of wrapping paper which we shredded and then did a tap dance on the laptop (or possibly a lap dance on the taptop) as a result of which the keys for '9' and '6' are missing -
Surely these small sins are forgivable at this time of year. Our new year's resolution is to be very good indeed -
Love and licks a very chaste Hector and Rufus xxxxxxxx
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus.........in anticipatory mood
The female peep whispered to us today that all being well ( aka us being good) Santa Paws will be visiting tonight. So we are very excited and being driven mad with hunger by the smells that are coming from the oven. We can only hope that ham is for us.
We want to thank all our lovely readers for reading our diary, which is of course secret and wish everyone a very happy Christmas.
Whilst the first of our New Year resolutions is to be good, it seems unlikely that this will last longer than fifteen minutes, so we hope you will continue to read and of course, send gravy bones.
Much love and many licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
PS no cats today -
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus
No of presents received =15 (gravy bones not counted individually)
No of cat presents we have nicked =6
No of times Rufus has tried to open the box of chocs = a lot
No of times he has been successful = 0
No of times we have had peeps' leftovers = 5 (yum yum)
No of very muddy swalks = 5
Amount of donkey poo consumed = many kilos
No of times we have been sick = 3
No of times we have lain on the train track and knocked it over = rather more than is a good idea
Hours spent watching things cook in the oven = 12
Hours spent barking at the visitors at the holiday cottages =6 (all during the night)
Time during which the female peep has not been chained to the cooker -
Marks out of ten for the special dog ginger biscuits = 11
No of times the female peep has uttered rude language when using her laptop and unable to use the numerical keyboard on the right hand side (see earlier post for reason why) = too many to mention.
Yes, all in all it's been a very good Christmas.
Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
PS photo of Rufus posing, as only he knows how and in case Lola reads this (though rumour has it she has given her heart to a husky)
2015 by Hector and Rufus............................reflecting
There is no doubt that this last year
Has contained our finest hours
We've dug the garden, made a mess
And sat on all the flowers.
We've swalked each day come floods or shine
And learned to swim with style
And for those lovely peeps that we live with
We'd go that extra mile.
Our schooling has seen some progess
We've studied malaria and ebola
But there's no cure for Rufus' sickness
Which is unrequited love for Lola.
Ms Vi Merana is the best
She always has our attention
She also said if we didn't write this
Then we'd both be in detention.
We've had birthday cake and special buns
We helped run Lamb Hill Show
We herded up those naughty donks
And made them stand in a row.
We've cared for Jester, licked her nose
And serenaded her in mellow tones
The only thing we're not good at
Is sharing gravy bones.
Perhaps our downside we must confess
If we really scratch our heads
Is this curious habit we both have
Of eating all our beds.
We suppose it's only fair to add
That when the female peep's not looking
It is a terrible struggle not
To eat what she's been cooking.
But all in all, a great year's been had
Next year we've got HUGE plans
But none of this would be possible
Without you lot, our fans.
So happy new year to you, peeps, dogs and cats
And anyone else who knows us
Watch this space for Lola's reply
When Rufus finally proposes!
Happy New Year friends, love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The Secret Diaries of Hector and Rufus January 2016