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December 1st

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus..............................off to have their eyes checked.

The female peep insists that we visit the optician. We cannot see what she is talking about (but admittedly that could be the problem). She insists that on our swalk today, we were about to rub noses with two deer but never saw them! We had no i-deer that they were there. Deer, deer, she told us in no uncertain terms that we are supposed to be observant dogs who never miss a trick. We must not spend all our time in the stag-nant pond when there are endeering wild species all around us waiting to be discovered.

Well, we were too busy having a lovely muddy walk, maximising the potential of all the large, diabolically filthy puddles and having a competition to see who could get the dirtiest. It was a close run thing.

We had to have a bath when we got back, so we all smell delicious now but we weren't in the least bit tired so we galloped round the house and made everything wet, which added to the realism of our game of crocodiles, as they surely live in swamps.

The kind female peep then gave us some lovely little round white things which she said were special biscuits and we gobbled them up and felt strangely sleepy. The last thing we heard before we fell asleep was her chuckling - it sounded quite evil but that of course must be our imagination.....

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS for those of you who think we only have one chair in this house and have to share it - you are absolutely correct. Other than the chair there are only 3 sofas, 3 beds -for dogs - and various peeps beds. We are pretty hard done by, come to think of it......

PPS Please send gravy bones.…



December 6th

The sercet watery diary of Hector and Rufus..........growing gills and scales

Who cares if clouds are dull and grey?

Who cares if gales roar?

Who cares if rain comes pouring down

And batters our back door?

On Friday eve at nearly eight

There was a sight you would not believe

When Hector executed with panache

The triangular retrieve.

To celebrate we had a chase

And round the house we thudded

We have to exercise as we can

As our favourite walks are flooded.

Because we cannot walk and swim

We're getting rather lairy

Our games are getting out of control

Our crocodiles rather scary.

At ten this morn for just a mo

The house was nice and neat

Then we got going on the sofa

And helped out - what a treat!

But now we're being very good

Four model dogs are we

Because we've heard some rumours

That we've got chicken for tea.

Yum yum yum!

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS photos of 1) our helping housework and 2) our tea!


December 10th

The secret diary of a very excited Hector and Rufus

As is customary at this time of year, Ms Vi Merana is letting her (currently) burgundy streaked with orange ringlets down, looking out her party dress and shoes and throwing a party tomorrow night! Everyone who is anyone will be there. She, along with her staff, Belle-Jean Shepperddog and Herr Dale Terrier will huddle together and write our end of term reports and we're optimistic that Hector will get a B+ at least for his dodecahedral retrieve. We know they are hard markers.

It will be lovely to meet our fellow pupils under more relaxed conditions, Hulk, though we know he's feeling a bit Husky, thanks to a cold, Grace, the great great dane and of course the lovely, luscious, lascivious Lola.

We have been warned to be on our best behaviour as we are joining the class below us, which means that we might meet up with Alice Sation, Bernie Smountaindogg and Celia Hamterrier.

There will be games galore and festive treats (eg mince pies without the pies bit and made with real mince), turkey flavoured gravy bones (or indeed any flavour gravy bones), sausages (never mind the 'on sticks' bit) and cat shaped biscuits (ha ha, Mr Kipling).

We are planning our outfits so watch this space AND we have another trick up our sleeves (well we would if we had jumpers on).

To keep the female peep sweet, we've given her an early Christmas present - can you guess what it is?

Oh and that's Hector looking mouthwateringly handsome......

Love and licks H&R


December 11th

1 December at 17:12 ·

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus........ready to party! And Ben is coming too! Don't we look impressed!

love and licks xxxxx


















December 12th

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus...................party animals

What a party! we took Ben with us to add an element of confusion and we all wore our festive collars. Needless to say we were eclipsed by Ms Vi Merana who was a vision of silvery scales from head to toe in a backless catsuit with hood, but even this could not contain her now golden waves which cascaded down her back, neatly disguising the problem she had with hirsutism.

We played games all evening. Rufus won the sitting on newspaper competition and Hector won -wait for it - the dog that took longest to come back to its owner after being called. We expect you are well surprised by that one as normally he would hurtle back to the female peep, jumping over ravines and swirling rivers. However when there are plates of sausages on the floor between him and her, it's a slightly different story......

We danced to Scottish country music and the peeps played a peculiar game where they had to swap hats while we walked to heel and tried not to bite each other.

Spirits were high as presents and cards were shared.

Never has Lola looked more lovely but there was no mistletoe as Ms Vi Merana does not like to encourage liaisons between pupils (sob). We exchanged cards though and we have put hers up on the wall in our hovel.

When we got home we took off our festive collars but......shhh.....forgot to put our other ones on. Will the peeps be able to tell us apart?

And why is Mr Kipling's tree up but not ours?

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


December 16th

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus.........................on the naughty steps

The female peep is only letting us write on the condition that we confess our sins.

It is hard to do this because of the overwhelming aroma of rotting fish that is currently emanating like radioactivity from Ben. We went to survey the damage by the river bursting its banks and apart from the disappearance of fences and lots of debris there were some fish carcases (poor fish) just waiting to be rolled in. So he did. He also stood waiting to have the gate opened, despite there being no fence on either side of it.

He will be washed shortly in the most girly perfume the female peep can find.

As for us, well what are boys to do when they know that their Christmas presents are in the wardrobe in the spare room? Go and get them out, of course! We were so proud we came running up to the female peep to show her, not expecting the reception that we got. We thought she'd be very pleased with our retrieving techniques. And now Jester is in trouble too because she is now lying in front of said wardrobe, willing the doors to open automatically, so that she can get the edibles within.

So our postures are apologetic, our heads hung low and we foresee that the gravy bones will be rationed today.

The ultimate punishment -photos today of the cats.......sob

Love and licks (but don't get too near to Ben) xxxxxxxxH&R


December 17th

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus........................banished to the coal hole (if we had one).

Oops! We did it again. Talk about Ground-dog day! We got the presents out of the cupboard again (being highly intelligent we have learned how to open the door) and Ben has rolled in something vile again.

Thanks (or rather no thanks) to his anosmia, the male peep cannot smell it but the female peep is walking around with breathing apparatus on, trying to make a point.

We suspect Santa Paws might be bypassing us this year.

So, more cat photos......sob sob sob

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


December 20th

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus......................we really are trying, Santa

Only 5 more sleeps til Christmas

When all will be quiet as a mouse

For us though, well, we're troubled

as we're still deep in the doghouse.

Despite our best intentions

It really isn't funny

And it doesn't help at all that Ben

Has rolled in another rotting bunny.

How could we have contained ourselves?

No way, we're just not able

We had to do it, yes, we did

When we saw the dancing Santa on the table......(sadly it doesn't dance anymore).

We've chewed off the scissors' handle

And Rufus has scoffed a sock

But all is well that ends well

As he sicked it back up by the grandfather clock!

But we haven't touched our presents

We've left them well alone

We've sat quite still, bar wagging tails

And barely had one gravy bone,

So we're vaguely optimistic

That if we can stop Ben from humming

Then if we're even gooder

Then Santa Paws will be coming..…



December 23rd

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus...............................getting really really worried now....

Dear Readers,

We are trying our very hardest to be good but it just isn't happening. Whatever we do seems to go wrong! We admit that we might have committed one or two minor indiscretions but the peeps seem to think they're quite serious and are contemplating writing to Ms Vi Merana to ask for extra corrective training next term.

We need your advice. Are we really naughty?

Yesterday, the male peep decided, as he does, that three days before Christmas was the perfect time to shampoo the carpet in the lounge. He was so excited about how it looked this morning that we came running in from the garden, where we had been digging, to see what all the fuss was about and now there are our paw marks everywhere......

Also yesterday, it was the female peep's birthday. We gave her a lovely day, including letting her take us for a swalk in the rain. But then she went out in the evening with the male peep and we were just a tiny bit restless and Rufus got on the kitchen table, pushed down the roll of wrapping paper which we shredded and then did a tap dance on the laptop (or possibly a lap dance on the taptop) as a result of which the keys for '9' and '6' are missing -gulp! He also knocked over a little Christmas tree, chewed some cards and unwrapped a present (that wasn't for him).

Surely these small sins are forgivable at this time of year. Our new year's resolution is to be very good indeed - honestly.

Love and licks a very chaste Hector and Rufus xxxxxxxx


December 24th

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus.........in anticipatory mood

The female peep whispered to us today that all being well ( aka us being good) Santa Paws will be visiting tonight. So we are very excited and being driven mad with hunger by the smells that are coming from the oven. We can only hope that ham is for us.

We want to thank all our lovely readers for reading our diary, which is of course secret and wish everyone a very happy Christmas.

Whilst the first of our New Year resolutions is to be good, it seems unlikely that this will last longer than fifteen minutes, so we hope you will continue to read and of course, send gravy bones.

Much love and many licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS no cats today -sorry Olivia x


December 28th

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus

No of presents received =15 (gravy bones not counted individually)

No of cat presents we have nicked =6

No of times Rufus has tried to open the box of chocs = a lot

No of times he has been successful = 0

No of times we have had peeps' leftovers = 5 (yum yum)

No of very muddy swalks = 5

Amount of donkey poo consumed = many kilos

No of times we have been sick = 3

No of times we have lain on the train track and knocked it over = rather more than is a good idea

Hours spent watching things cook in the oven = 12

Hours spent barking at the visitors at the holiday cottages =6 (all during the night)

Time during which the female peep has not been chained to the cooker - 30 minutes

Marks out of ten for the special dog ginger biscuits = 11

No of times the female peep has uttered rude language when using her laptop and unable to use the numerical keyboard on the right hand side (see earlier post for reason why) = too many to mention.

Yes, all in all it's been a very good Christmas.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS photo of Rufus posing, as only he knows how and in case Lola reads this (though rumour has it she has given her heart to a husky)


December 31st

2015 by Hector and Rufus............................reflecting

There is no doubt that this last year

Has contained our finest hours

We've dug the garden, made a mess

And sat on all the flowers.

We've swalked each day come floods or shine

And learned to swim with style

And for those lovely peeps that we live with

We'd go that extra mile.

Our schooling has seen some progess

We've studied malaria and ebola

But there's no cure for Rufus' sickness

Which is unrequited love for Lola.

Ms Vi Merana is the best

She always has our attention

She also said if we didn't write this

Then we'd both be in detention.

We've had birthday cake and special buns

We helped run Lamb Hill Show

We herded up those naughty donks

And made them stand in a row.

We've cared for Jester, licked her nose

And serenaded her in mellow tones

The only thing we're not good at

Is sharing gravy bones.

Perhaps our downside we must confess

If we really scratch our heads

Is this curious habit we both have

Of eating all our beds.

We suppose it's only fair to add

That when the female peep's not looking

It is a terrible struggle not

To eat what she's been cooking.

But all in all, a great year's been had

Next year we've got HUGE plans

But none of this would be possible

Without you lot, our fans.

So happy new year to you, peeps, dogs and cats

And anyone else who knows us

Watch this space for Lola's reply

When Rufus finally proposes!

Happy New Year friends, love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


The Secret Diaries of Hector and Rufus December 2015

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