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The Secret Diaries of Hector and Rufus December 2014


December 1st at 14.15

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus.....still partying

Following on the success of yesterday's diary entry, here is another game for everyone to enjoy. Perhaps best if you have any guests who don't want to chase up and down the corridors, growling (hard to imagine a party like this) but everyone likes a quiet, contemplative moment and so here's just the thing. It is a very hard game though and we have made it so on purpose. It is always good to challenge the mind.

So we have taken two photos of the corner of the kitchen where we love to sit. The female peep sits here with us so it's great. The more observant of you will notice some very subtle differences in the photos and that's the game! Spot the difference! There aren't too many, perhaps only three or four but it should keep you all beagle-eyed friends occupied for a good while.

Answers on a postcard, email, text, tweet, bark, woof.....

Now we are off to look at the Jane Gnasher book of party cakes for some more ideas.

Love and licks (sorry for making this so difficult today) H&R xxxx    

December 2nd at 17.25

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus -just chilling today

Thank you to all our readers for the phenomenal response to yesterday's competition. We have been checking entries non-stop and couldn't believe it when the postman delivered another four sacks of postcards this morning. He wasn't very pleased, if truth be told. But that might have been because we jumped up and ruined his trousers.

Well, it seems unfair to keep you all in suspense any longer. We were a little bit naughty (but that's second nature to us) and hinted that there were three or four changes. As a lot of you spotted, that wasn't the case.

The answer was......ONE difference- Jester sitting on the sofa! Some of you suggested that there were many many changes but we've studied the photos again at length and cannot see any other differences. They both just look like our lovely home to us, where of course you are all welcome, any time.

Sadly, nobody got the correct answer, so we have to keep the prize ourselves -a year's supply of gravy bones and a bag of the female peep's Twirl bites (she doesn't know about that, so it's a good job nobody won them, or we'd have been in big trouble).

But we're sure that, once you've got over the disappointment of not getting the correct answer, you'll agree that this is a sure-fire winner of a game every time.

Lots of love H & R xxxx    

December 3rd at 18.15

The top secret diary of Hector and Rufus....being naughty

The male peep has gone away for the night, giving us carte blanche when it comes to how we behave. We have had a lovely day- a frosty walk, preceded by rolling in the piles of dirty straw while the mucking out was going on. We put our toes in the river but brrrr, stopped at that. Even Jester didn't submerge fully today. We thought we were being really good but then we were banished to the garden while the female peep was on the radio, talking about some new DNA test you can buy online. Well, this was news to us - we thought she only talked about us! We don't know what was involved but she was quivering like a half set jelly beforehand. This afternoon, we've had a snooze- see photo and now we've been very helpful, assisted in putting the donkey beds down, gobbled our tea and are starting on our desserts -Rufus is making steady progress with a stuffed squirrel on a rope and I am unravelling a woolly hat (I don't like the colours) and a stuffed pheasant, plus attending to an itch in a delicate part of my anatomy.

The female peep is already talking about wine and it's not even six o'clock yet. It can't have anything to do with us.....

Love and licks H&R xxxx

PS she still hasn't put the Christmas tree up. WHY???? We are starting a petition- please sign.....

PPS- we bet those Twirl bites come out again too.....

December  4th at 18..10

The secret diary of Hector and night

We took this photo of Ben when the word 'school' was mentioned. He would like to come too. In fact he could go instead of us- now there's an idea.

The female peep had a lovely day at the Railway Museum yesterday ( what we thought about that is a rather different matter, but we accept she needs a day off once a decade) and brought back some lovely little wooden trains- red and white- to go on the Christmas tree, and a chubby robin for the same purpose so surely, our powers of deduction cannot be wrong when we come to the conclusion that the tree must be going up soon......and then coming down very soon afterwards, when we've climbed up it. The female peep says not before the 15th but where's the festive spirit with that?

We are a bit worried about the female peep to be honest. The other night (when the male peep was away) we persuaded her, by shivering and rattling our teeth, that it was too cold to sleep out in the kennel. So she let us back into the house and promptly settled down on the sofa with us before realising half an hour later that she could just shut us in the kitchen and go to her cosy, warm, lovely, comfy bed, which really we should have been in with her. But we were very good and only ate a rosette while she was asleep. Oh and a wooden rhino and a sock and one slipper......and a newspaper.....and a very small cushion.....and a cat food chaser......

We think we'd better be very good at school tonight.....

Love and licks H&R xxxx      T

December 6th at 21.35

he secret diary of Hector and pupils

Yes, we have to confess that last night at school we were the star pupils. We were the only two dogs chosen to do some off the lead walking to heel and even though we were bribed by pieces of sausage in front of our noses, we weaved our way in and out of the salivating wolf, bendy retriever, hysterical husky( obviously hoping it's going to snow) and the other dogs before returning to our places and sitting down. Vi was in her Christmas mood and had brought gruel for us all and some sausage pieces that she said were flavoured with cat ( she also said they came from the renowned butcher in Bedale, so that got the peeps worried) and at the very end of the class she gave us the left over bits!

Next week we are playing party games and then we've a month long holiday in which to forget all we've learned....

So here is a photo of us looking good. Good to look at and good, behaviour-wise. We will draw a veil over the fact that when the female peep left the room to fetch the male peep's slippers ( he was calling for them, so she had to go - many of you will understand) we ate the cushion.

No sign of the tree yet but some Christmas cooking was done today and some shopping, so things are looking up.

We reached a milestone in our development yesterday when we had to leave behind puppy food and move up to young dog food. The female peep had a bit of a weep. She shouldn't though cos if we get some lovely little yellow sisters for Christmas, then we'll need puppy food, won't we?

Love and licks H&R xxxx

Ps from Rufus- I was best at school xx

PPS from Hector- actually, I was xx      

November 8th at 21.10

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus, written in the dog house, sent to bed with no supper and no TV ( no Westie-Enders, no Captain Pugwash, no Come Whine with Me)

The male peep was looking for his cap. Unfortunately we hadn't hidden it well enough and he didn't seem pleased that we'd done a few alterations to bring it more up to date. He's getting very strict. We think he's been reading Ms Vi Merana's latest book 'Suitable and Unsuitable (but more fun) punishments for very naughty dogs'.

We've tried to get back in favour. Rufus risked life and limb by swimming across the river which was swirling and dangerous and we did nothing bad while he was looking after us as the female peep had gone Christmas shopping in Leeds with her sister. She came back with lots of excitingly full bags and has hidden lots of things but we are not allowed to go looking. We will of course, when they're out, that is if we are ever allowed back in the house......

Please send food....and a TV, oh and a heater, sofa, cushions

Love and licks H&R xxx    

December 9th at 20.40

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus

Exciting things have been happening! The male peep went up into the loft and, after much cursing and swearing found some boxes which he passed down to the patient female peep who was standing at the bottom of the ladder, ready to catch him if he fell out of the loft. So now the hall is full of objects that need immediate investigation and initial inspection promises great fun ahead.

The first decoration has gone up. Apparently it is tradition for this to go up first and it's the cats' Christmas tree! What about the dogs' Christmas tree? Where's that and why do the cats have preferential treatment?

The female peep has promised that our tree will be much bigger and not bounce about like a big spring. If we are really good, she might put it up tonight, when she has finished ironing the male peep's socks, cleaning his shoes and making his seven course dinner.

We can't wait to post some more photos......

Love and licks H&R xxxxx

December 10th at 17.15

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus

Call us if you want help putting up your decorations! We will cheerfully and willingly help you open the boxes of last year's decorations, get in the way as you untangle the tinsel, by rolling in it and give you a sympathetic lick when the tree lights don't work.....again. We nose out the left over chocolate bell that got packed away by mistake, growl at the furry polar bears and play chase with the baubles. We will lie under the tree to ward off evil predators and test the tree's stability by getting up suddenly from the aforementioned task, causing it to sway precariously from side to side. We are also rather adept at taking special wooden ornaments that you have cherished for years and hiding them in the next room, possibly leaving a signature tooth mark in them as we do so.

In short, nobody, just nobody should put up their tree without us.

We are now resting before we start baying for our tea. The male peep is just back from camera club. We put the tree up as a surprise for him. Aren't we kind?

We're a bit worried that some of the decorations are moving, we weren't warned about that. We may have to investigate, which means doing some climbing.......

Love and licks H&R xxxx     

December 12th at 17.30

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus, very excited....

It's party time! In an hour or so we'll be off to our first party ever -the end of term school do. We cannot describe how much we are looking forward to it( so say nothing of the month long holiday afterwards).

We have spent the last couple of hours getting as giddy as possible. Our coordination is remarkable. Hector, for example, can gallop across the lounge, take off, jump eight feet and land on the female peep's iPad while it's on her knee. It takes skill to do that, we're sure you'll agree.

We've eaten a huge supper but will still have room for any Christmas snacks on offer. Hopefully Vi Merana will be in suitably festive mood and not breathe too much fire or bellow at us or put us in detention.

We can't wait to tell you all about it, Vi did promise we would be playing games and not doing too much work......our sort of school.

We love Christmas ( even though we haven't quite worked out what it's all about) but Mr Kipling has taken up residence in the tree and no matter what we do, won't come down.....

Love and licks H&R xxxx               

December 13th at 09.15

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus.....still giddy

Oh, we love parties so much! It was wonderful. Where to begin? Well, to start with, Ms Vi Merana was in her party clothes, lamb chop earrings, a green and white striped dress with orange frills and tights which were yellow and had purple bones on! She greeted us with a toothy look which we took for her best attempt at a smile.

All we did all evening was play games. Not just games but games that involved a lot of sausages! We had to weave in and out of cones which had sausages on the top and NOT EAT THEM! Tricky..... Then we had to go up to plates of sausage and sit and then lie down and ignore them......even more tricky. And then we had to weave in and out of cones while Vi threw sausage bits all over the floor and ignore them until right at the end of that game she said we could eat them. Then she gave us all pieces of newspaper!!! What was that for? Rufus got the Times crossword! It's a long time since we used newspaper and we always did prefer to use the best carpet. Were we supposed to have a poo? No! We walked round the room to chirpy Christmas songs and when the music stopped the peeps has to put the paper on the floor and then we either had to sit, lie down, put one paw on the paper and the peeps had to put a variety of feet on it too? Rufus won this game and won two bonios!

At the end the peeps had a glass of Bark's fizz and a mince pie and we had biscuits.

And then it was over. But we carried on the games when we got home! Why stop now, we thought? We'd wanted to teach everyone at school how to play crocodiles but there wasn't time to we had a really good game of this ourselves and felt even better!

Here's the female peep and Hector not eating sausage......

Love and licks H &R xxxx    The secret diary of Hector and Rufus, worried....

We hid the following under our bed but unfortunately the female peep had one of her rare cleaning urges and found it. We await the fall out.

End of Term School Report for Hector and Rufus Tetlow, aged getting on for 8 months and thus should know better.

Mathematics- both show promise when it comes to counting pieces of sausage but have not mastered advanced algebra and dogarithms.

Biology- initially good progress but now have developed some unpleasant leanings towards the female members of the class and lost interest in the life cycle of the dog fish.

Geography- Hector is good around the cones and Rufus certainly knows where the way out is.

English- they show good understanding but the selective deafness must be eliminated before next term or there will be trouble

PE- ability to slide elegantly along the slippery floor shows pleasing progress

Chemistry- neither of these dogs should be left unattended at any time. Their thirst for experimentation is concerning and verging on the unnatural

Home economics- do they know any recipes other than those with sausages as the main ingredient?

General deportment- far too much smiling and tail wagging.

Overall progress -there are hints, though well concealed, of some potential. In order to try to work on these, I suggest we work harder next term with double homework and sterner punishments. Sessions with the psychologist, Belle-Jean Sheperddogg have been arranged at extra cost.

Signed.....Ms Vi Merana, principal.

Uh oh! The female peep has found our report! She has read it.....and she has given us big hugs and told us that she thinks we're perfect (well, nearly). Yippeee!

Love and licks H&R xxxxx

Ps the photo shows you all how to eat baked beans properly...   

December 15th at 21.15

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus, banished from all festivities

We are writing on a slate with a piece of charcoal we found under the bonfire. All our other possessions have been taken from us. Our supper was a heel of old bread and the thinnest scrape of dripping and one teaspoonful of dog food (for protein as we are still growing).

The male peep was outraged. We have never heard him growl so loudly at us- even louder than Ms Vi Merana.

We were only trying to help, while the peeps took the car to the garage for plastic surgery. We thought they'd be pleased that we took the little Christmas tree off the window sill to rearrange the baubles, which were slightly asymmetrical. We didn't like the whisker basket it was in either so that needed to be killed too. We thought they'd be delighted that we took a padded envelope off the table and shredded it and its contents ( we can't say more because the person for whom this was intended to be a present might be reading this). We wish they'd realise that we don't like the throws at all and that's why we keep eating them and tossing them on the floor. How much more obvious can we make it? We tried hiding a lot of evidence in Jester's bed but they found that, too.

We are now lying very quietly, hoping we will be allowed back in before Thursday next week.

Sob, it's a dogs' life. We are sorry to have to ask for more bones to be sent.....

We are too weak to write any more as we repent.

Love and licks H&R xxxx      

December 17th at 21.00

The secret diary of Rufus and Hector.....

We have made a grave mistake, underestimating the length of time it takes the peeps to forget about our misdemeanours.

Yesterday, following the Christmas tree accident (as we like to call it) we were the epitome of good behaviour. We came when called, sat tidily, made no mess, polished our paws and looked lovingly at the peeps. We sat for this photo. You can see the regret in our eyes. Our soulful look will melt the hardest of hearts.

So when today dawned, we assumed (incorrectly as it turns out) that we could maybe be a little more relaxed in our ways. In short, being good had been really tough and we just couldn't keep it up.

So.........we ate the remote control for the TV. It is now in a thousand pieces in the bin -possibly a world record but we daren't ask as the female peep is sobbing in a corner working out a way of telling the male peep who has been having a whale of a time at the seaside all day.

We were still a bit hungry so we ate a rosette. Not much of a dessert, we prefer crumble.

We've had a lovely lovely day with our lovely lovely friends Emma and Charlie and Annabelle. We love it when they come and today was no exception as Annabelle kept throwing little sausages on the floor for us! Now that's what you call a friend. We weren't allowed any chocolate coins though. Why? Grrrrr.

So now we are back in the doghouse and we can hear the male peep arriving back.

Wish us luck......

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxx         

19 December 2014 at 17:10

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus -in a reflective mood

Here is a photo of our big sister Jester. She's fab, very elegant, something of a princess but has bad arthritis, which makes walking difficult. One of her favourite things used to be to lie beside the female peep while she was reading in bed, but for a couple of years now, she's not been able to manage that leap from the carpet (Jester that is, not the female peep), so she's settled for the Joules bed (also illustrated).

Yesterday the female peep went to see lovely friends (you know who you are) who presented her with the biggest box you've ever seen (so big we could play crocodiles in there and still have some space left over). With a pounding heart she tore off the sellotape (she was having a very bad day but more of that anon, when she has recovered) and to her wonder and joy and amazement, this is what she found!

When Jester saw it yesterday evening and was helped up it and onto the bed, she smiled her biggest smile and wagged her tail furiously (which is hard cos that's a bit arthritic-y too).

Today she had her first lesson on how to manage herself. We think it might take a lot of lessons as gravy bones were placed at regular intervals and if there's one thing Jester's gravy bones, so she might insist on lots of practice.

We're just all so thrilled with such a thoughtful gift -the female peep stubbed her toe on it in the night but just laughed (note it is on her side of the bed and not the male peep's.

What a wonderful start to Christmas! Thank you from all of us but especially Jester.

Love and licks H&R xxxxx

PS any of our friends who want to come round and have a go, we're charging 3 bonios and a pigs ear for each attempt......enterprising or what, eh?

 23 December 2014 at 16:41 ·

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus........only two sleeps to go

Goodness us! We thought the female peep's birthday was over when we wrote last night but no! Mr Kipling and Tilly brought her a dead mouse! Why she wasn't more excited? Perhaps because they didn't wrap it up. And why the male peep was heard to exclaim 'b*****y cats' we do not know but it's good that Mr K has finally come out of the Christmas tree and is behaving more normally.

Today, months of training Ben have finally paid off. Sick of being left out in the cold, shivering, wet through, on the verge of triple (note triple, not double) pneumonia we have been secretly teaching him a trick that Ms Vi Merana described in chapter seventy one, paragraph four hundred and twelve of one of her earlier and lesser known works, 'Getting a handle on life.' It was a best seller in its day.

Now we just have to give him a nudge and before you can say gravy bones, we're back on that sofa..... What else are big brothers for?

Sadly the carpets are still damp and the female peep is walking around with flippers on, making her feelings known. We do feel that the snorkel and mask is an improvement, especially as her eczema is playing up again (stress) but perhaps the wetsuit is taking things a bit far.....

Only two sleeps til we can open all those presents. Actually we haven't seen any yet, so we hope we're not pushing our luck here.....

Love and Licks Hector and Rufus xxxxx

24 December 2014 at 19:10 · iOS ·

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus

We want to wish all our friends the happiest of Christmastimes and thank you all for reading our diaries and laughing and crying with us.

We are so excited we cannot contain ourselves.

What are the chances of this being two baby sisters? We think pretty good but it's not moving much, so they must be asleep.

Love and mistletoe Hector and Rufus xxxxx


26 December 2014 at 14:06 · iOS ·

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus......contented

Here is a photo of us and our new 'sisters'. The female peep had a note from her doctor saying she is suffering from 'her nerves' too much already to cope with little yellow puppies. Because we are so understanding we love our new toys though they are not as much fun as the pheasant which is soft and has already been attacked and dealt with.

We had a lovely day yesterday and hope all you did too. We got up, had a quick canapé of donkey poo before anyone saw us, then had our breakfast and went for a frosty, cold walk and swim before coming back for present opening! We got things to eat, which we've eaten, things to eat which we've not had yet and things that we shouldn't eat but have done anyway.

Then all afternoon we played with our new toys and the cats new toys and the peeps' new toys before we had a chicken dinner with gravy and biscuits. Oh boy! Then we were really glad we hadn't got real little sisters, cos they would have wanted to share....

In fact we were so excited all day, we didn't do anything naughty, or maybe the peeps were just in a forgiving mood.

We are now being made to watch Singin' in the Rain cos the female peep says it's one of her fave films. What's wrong with Dogsy Malone, The Beagle Has Landed, The Hound of Music?

Happy Boxering Day,

Love and licks H&R xxxxx

28 December 2014 at 16:30 ·

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus......discombobulated

When we went to bed last night (brrr, it was cold in our kennel with heating- we had to huddle together and sing rousing songs to keep ourselves warm. We had nothing to sustain us apart from gravy bones, some biscuits, twelve chicken legs and a flask of hot chocolate) these three were in the kitchen. But this morning they were in the lounge! Eeeeeeeek. They're coming to get us......Be afraid...very afraid.

We had a lovely day yesterday with lots of visitors which of course results in lots of leftovers and we felt it our duty to help with those. Holly the spaniel came too and spent the day running around in a provocative Santa outfit. Ben was a little perturbed but we just played chase and knocked her over so it got all dirty. We were brought sausages a foot long, which we devoured this morning when the female peep thought she'd heard thunder, but of course it was our tummies rumbling.

This morning the male peep has come down with kennel cough and is immobilised on the sofa so he was unable to appreciate the fab present we found for the female peep on our walk. A fish head! Mmmmm, it was delicious. It needed squashing first to tenderise it, so we rolypolyed on it and then devoured it, having one eye each.

We're a bit ( ie a lot) disappointed we have missed out on the snow. We think we'd enjoy it. We had to content ourselves with a morning dip in the freezing Ure. But it was an opportunity to show off our new collars, which Santa Paws gave us. We look very smart, well to be honest, we look delectably handsome.

Time for us to check on the patient now and ask him what he wants for tea. Yesterday he only manage two helpings of shepherds pie and two helpings of crumble and ice cream. We were quite worried.....

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxx

29 December 2014 at 15:50 ·

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus......disconcerted

Well! Just look at that sheep and pig and the mess they've made. Not only have then sneaked back into the kitchen but they've chewed up one of our favourite toys as well. Lucky for us that we had our camera to paw and managed to catch them red-trottered/cloven-hooved otherwise the peeps would have blamed us and we were somewhere completely different. Yes, we were. We were in the lounge, mopping beads of sweat off the fevered brow of the male peep (we told him to turn the heating down and take off his jumper but he wouldn't) and encouraging him to sip fluids regularly so that he had the strength to do justice to roast ham, roast potatoes, vegetables and then crumble and ice-cream, all washed down with a large sherry. Our administrations were not in vain as he ate up every last crumb.

The biggest worry is the intimidating three who have just emerged from the cat tunnel (despite it looking like Bertie Bassett's trouser leg it's not). Fergal Shark(ey), Lois the lobster and the evil looking Rasputin the rabbit. It is official. We are now outnumbered and will have to think up some cunning deeds to get the better of them.

Watch this space. Any ideas, please send in a sealed envelope because they can read.

Wish us luck and hope for our survival.

Love and licks H&R xxxx