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The Secret Diaries of Hector and Rufus August 2014
For those who thought the grouse season was not yet open, think again. Here's the one that thought it had got away. We have been playing for hours in the garden and emptying the recycling bin while the female peep worked on her papier mâché -
Ow, ow, ow. How I regret the error of my ways. I have suffered all day and only now am I beginning to feel better. This morning I found and ate (well you would wouldn't you?) a large sponge cake with filling and icing, made for visitors. Hector came to help but only after I had scoffed the lion's share. I was unable to move afterwards. My little legs could hardly hold up by swollen tummy, which was as tight as a drum.
Not to put too finer point on it, I had to go and be a bit ick in the bushes ( but only after I'd been a bit icker on the sofa (just when the covers had gone back on-
Anyway, it was delicious and now I'm enjoying a cat toy and looking forward to supper, though I've already heard rumours that rations are going to be reduced (ring the RSPCA now!)
Don't we look big boys in this photo?
The sad, but secret diary of Hector and Rufus, two naughty black puppies who are in......disgrace.....
We are very sad. We were having such a lovely day. We played bubbles with a new bubble machine brought by Sara and Mark ( it was so kind of them), we sort of sat when asked to, we didn't try to dig our way out of the kennel, so what went wrong?
We even slept though the thunder unlike Ben and Jester who sat and shook
1) the plastic ball that comes with the Persil non-
2) we are not supposed to sit in the cat litter tray and then dig ( it has a roof, this cat litter tray, for discrete poo-
3) the water bowl is not to be emptied all over the floor
4) we are not supposed to dissect the cat bed
5) we are not supposed to harass Alfie, a dear friend and black lab who is here for his holidays -
6) we should not chew Fergus the donkey's best leather harness
7) kitchen roll is not to be rolled across the floor and round the house
8) standing on our hind legs to reach goodies off the worktop (Hector can just do this now, I'm too little so this one isn't my fault, signed Rufus) does not endear us to our owners
9) cat toys are for cats (come on, be honest, do they ever play with them?)
10) Jester is very disgruntled -
Please send biscuits and bones. We need cheering up.
With a small sob, yours Hector and Rufus
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus part 273....
Why was the female peep cross when she found us sitting quietly on the lawn with a bag of lamb chops? Apparently they are for supper. The female peep has given them a quick wipe down and hopes that the male peep won't notice the teeth marks.....
We're very tired this afternoon as we went for a walk this morning and had a lovely time chasing and paddling and meeting some new dogs.
You'll notice we haven't mentioned the male peep by name as we'd hate him to find out about his chops. We are very clever at subterfuge....
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus, two small black Labrador puppies who have been left alone for almost 30 hours.
The human peeps left us, with Ben and Jester, to fend for ourselves, scavenge in the hedgerows for food, drink from puddles and sleep huddled together in barely sheltered corners.
Not a dry eye in house, we'll bet.
Actually, lovely Aunty Marion and Uncle Keith came to look after us. We have shown them how we can run very fast, chase each other, bark infuriatingly, attack the sofa, empty the recycling crate, be sick and also, for reasons we cannot disclose, we have made sure that they have had plenty of opportunity to practice their skills with the mop and bucket.
We cannot understand why they look so much older than when they arrived.....
The human peeps are back-
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus continued.....
Good news and bad-
Good, it has suddenly dawned on us that the cat food is in this cat carrier. We are now working
on a combined approach to getting it. We need a few snacks to keep our strength up. Rumour
has it that Aunty Marion and Uncle Keith who looked after us this weekend have checked into a
retreat for a fortnight to recover. Why?
Bad, we discovered the electric fence, when it was on. Ouch ouch ouch!
We've slept nearly all afternoon but now, after tea, with special human leftover gravy on
(our first taste-
We are so glad our lives have gone back to normal.
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus, continued......
Overheard this morning:
Female peep 'they're too big now, we've got to change them.'
Male peep, 'I agree, they've served a purpose but enough's enough, they've got to go now'
We slunk back into our beds and shook. Could it be that we were being put up for sale? Have we been that naughty? We haven't destroyed that much and we are only tiny mischievous puppies, who don't know any better and nobody told us about not weeing and poo-
The female peep disappeared in her car and we worried and sobbed, our little shoulders heaving with despair. We used up a whole box of tissues, though we did eat some of them. The male peep took us for a walk. He thought we were wet because we had been paddling but in truth we were drenched by our tears. Gulp.
Then our pain turned to delight when the female peep returned with new collars! Tenderly she put them around our necks and removed the ones that were cutting off the circulation to our brains. So now Hector has a lovely black collar with green paw marks and I have a red collar with bones.
Apparently now we are medium sized we can no longer have the collars with encrusted diamonds, which are reserved for the tinies but we are only one size away from those fab collars with spikes!
We are fast asleep now, all that worry has exhausted us. We're full of supper and dreaming happy dreams.
Lots of love and happy barks, Rufus xxxx
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus, or even Rufus and Hector, worn out after a day of visitors.......
Our Japanese friends have come back for a couple of days so it's been non stop. This afternoon they went to the Forbidden Corner, probably called this because dogs are forbidden, so we stayed at home with the female peep ( aka grandma of the year....pending) and Noah, who was also forbidden to go on account of being too little. This was the sequence of events for the afternoon -
And the others think they're tired from an afternoon out!
The female peep is downing a large glass of wine. She says us puppies are easier to keep and eye on! She has a competition for all DBS members. Look closely at the photo and tell her who they are instantly reminded of.
The secret diary of Hector (I'm bigger so I go first) and Rufus
Today our home has been invaded by Amazonian predators, even though our Japanese friends are
still here. Look what happened to the brave explorer who tried to beat the off before we did. We have
had to wrestle with writhing anacondas, ward off snapping and acidulous crocodiles and save the human
peeps from being eaten alive.
Because if that happened who would make our tea and breakfast and soften our supper weetabix with warm milk and generally spoil us rotten?
25 August ·
The secret diary of Hector and Rufus, currently eating the human peep's slippers while they are on her feet.
Today we did our own Ice Bucket Challenge, also known as the Icy River Ure challenge. The human peep asked us to thank everyone for their support. The consultants are confidently optimistic that her teeth should have stopped chattering by next Easter, but we hope it'll be longer because we can pretend we don't understand what she's saying ( we're good at that).
The water was very cold, which was why we decided to sit in in and let Ben fetch the ball. It was so chilly that an iceberg floated past and a penguin stopped for a chat ( sadly not the choccy biscuit type of penguin).
When we got home we had a brief nap and then we've spent the afternoon perfecting our round the house chase, mentioned in an early extract from our diary but now updated to take into account our new powers of acceleration and speed. So, in through the back door, twice round the kitchen table, onto the kitchen sofa, run down the back of it ( extra points for knocking off cushions), into the hall, sharp left into the lounge, round the sofa three times, hide under the coffee table, pounce on and ravage the cats' bed, pick a tomato off the plant in the conservatory, squash it into the carpet, down the corridor into the the bedrooms, under the bed ( we can't quite jump on it yet, but we're working on that one), into the office, under the computer, ignore male peep's shouts of protestation, back to the kitchen grab fridge magnet while passing and out into and around the garden before hiding, letting the dust settle and returning, wagging our tails adorably and looking innocent.
Hang on........oh whoooooppeeeeee it's teatime!
Love and licks xx
28 August ·
The secret diary of two sad puppies.......
We have tried our best. What more can we do? Our behaviour has been exemplary. We've done lead work without complaining, sat when told, eaten up all our dinners, slept on the sofa with our paws neatly crossed, read improving texts from every dogs' almanac, The Good Dog And How To Impress Your Owner, not pee'd in the house , not poo'd in the house, not left muddy paw marks everywhere and generally been model pets, the sort that anyone would long for.
So why are we still in the dog house?
We have no idea and nobody can shed any light on the solution. We've gone over every moment of the last 48 hours with a fine toothed flea comb ( not that we have fleas you understand).
The only thing we can be certain of is that it couldn't possibly have anything to do with being found on the kitchen table eating a large slab of Brie, some ham and some bread rolls......