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The Secret Diaries of Hector and Rufus April 2015

April 1st at 17.56

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus.........................waiting

How we love these light mornings! We bounced up with the first squeak of the lark and sat on our delicious patio, waiting patiently for the peeps to emerge. We then did our homework and walked to heel all the way around the field, sat when told, lay down when told, didn't eat any donkey poo and ignored a rabbit that was blowing raspberries at us, trying to goad us into being naughty.

After our breakfast, which we ate without a growl and willingly shared with Ben and Jester, we sat by the car until it was time for our swalk and on our return, we curled up into tiny balls and went to sleep for several hours. We have not destroyed anything today, our toys are intact, the cushions are on the sofas in the kitchen and the conservatory. We didn't scare the postman and we haven't played crocodiles once.

Finally, we are learning to behave like adults.


We have been just as naughty as ever! Digging holes in the garden, performing laparotomies on our toys, crocodiling our way around the house and leaving a tsunami of destruction in our wake.

Just in case you were worried! Nothing has changed.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxx

April 2nd at 18.47

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus....................feeling dramatic

It's the end of term and Ms Vi Merana is putting on a play, for all her pupils to be in. We have to suffer the indignity of playing two Easter bunny rabbits. As you can see by the look on our faces, we wish we were elsewhere.

Ms Vi Merana, as she is constantly reminding us, is probably the most well-read being on the planet and for that reason she has written her own play for us but has based it on Pugmalion, Much Adog about Nothing and Love's Labradors Lost. She is very fond of George St Bernard Shaw and Shakespeare.

We are mortified and have said to the female peep that we won't dig any more holes, eat any more toys, raid the fridge, frighten the postman, scare visitors, chase the cats, eat our beds, play crocodiles, jump on the bed, macerate cushions, leave muddy paw marks everywhere, take up more than our share of the sofa, demand gravy bones if only......if only, we don't have to go out in public looking like this.

If you look closely, you'll see we've already tried to eat them...and left to our own devices for a couple of minutes, they'll soon be reduced to a pile of black fur.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxx

PS No! you can't have a ticket to the show!

 April 3rd at 17.43

The diary of the secretive Hector and Rufus.....................missing school tonight cos it's the holidays

Dear oh dear, whatever's happened to Jester? Normally pristine in her appearance, her golden hair shimmering in the sun, her fudge-like nose instantly kissable, she seems to have undergone a remarkable transformation (and that blob in the bottom right hand corner is the female peep's slipper, just before you suggest otherwise.

A - did she fall in a deep, muddy hole and come out black?

B - has she been experimenting with the male peep's hair dye (ooops, now that's let that cat out of the bag)

C - has she been up the chimney again?

D - have those tablets had a strange side effect?

No, no no, none of those! It's our very good friend Alfie come to stay for Easter and to celebrate we're having lamb with mint sauce - always the traditionalists. As you can see, we've been helping with the preparation. Now it just needs to be popped into the oven, served with roast pots, carrots - if the donkeys and ponies have left any (fat chance), peas and gravy(bones).

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxx

April 5th at 16.44

The secret Easter diary of Hector and Rufus................suspicious

We have a weird feeling that we are being watched and that someone.....possibly a mutant chick is trying to muscle in on our page. We don't know where it came from or w-hen it might be going back to its roost but the sooner the better as far as we're concerned. It's been following us around all day, being eggstremely annoying. A yolk's a yolk but it can be taken too far. It's reading a chick-lit novel but we've pointed it instead in the direction of the female peep's novels and her Teviotdale Medical centre series FB page (that was was subtle, slipping that in, wasn't it? She owes us ten gravy bones each now)

Nobody has given us any Easter eggs, hot cross bunnies (or even mildly irritated ones) or daffodils, the three things the poster in the vets' surgery says we must on no account eat. However our day got off to a good start with not only breakfast but then a pig's ear each because Alfie is here and he loves them. Then we helped clean the cream cheese off the spoon that Jester had used for her tablets and then we had the milk left over from the cereal bowls. All in all, a good haul.

Our swalk today was made extra interesting by the presence of a fisherman in the river. He had just caught a big fish. It might have been a dog fish, or a woof or a Koi carp, but it didn't look very shy to us. The look of jubilation on his face seemed to disappear and be replaced by anger for some reason when we leapt into the river to say hello!

Now we must ring 111 for medical advice as the female peep has not yet opened her bag of Twirl bites and it is 1630. Something serious must be wrong......

Love and licks and Easter greetings from The Mutant chick -who wrote that? Give us our pen back. Now! Good job you can't see the feathers flying.......

Proper love and licks from H&Rxxxxxxxxxx

April 6th at 17.15

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus............................starving

A Bank Holiday and everything goes to pot! It is now 17.25h and we should have been fed at 17.00h. It is not good enough. Ms Vi Merana is repeatedly telling us that regular meals are vital to our development. She has fifteen meals a day!

We have been taking it easy today apart from swimming across the river, soaking some passers-by, helping with the donkeys, welcoming our latest visitors, playing football with Noah(3) for all of ten seconds before we burst the ball, rearranging the sofa, putting our bedding out to air, eating half of it, digging a hole or two and squashing some daffodils, having a chase round the orchard, wrecking the train track that had just been set out, trying to climb on the table, having a jolly good fight, which included our water bowl.......

Photos today include handsome Ben, undignified Hector and irrestistible Rufus. Oh, and one of the view from our hovel -we told you we have a hard life-plus Daisy, who never misses a photo opportunity.

Off to wreak more havoc,

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

April 7th at 17.55

The secret diary of Hector and scatological state of mind

The peeps ( or possibly in this case poops) have often commented that there is rather a lot of excrement in the garden and surrounding areas to be picked up on a daily basis. We can't help it if they feed us a high fido, we mean fibre, diet. A vigorous intestinal transit time is a sign of good health and a shiny coat. Regular peristalsis results in a glint in the eye and good muscle development. Ms Vi Merana told us so in biology. And she knows everything. Also,the manufacturers of poo bags must be kept in their jobs.

So, imagine our surprise when we were greeted by the lorry in today's photo backing up the drive and parking outside our kennel! Of course it would have been better if the reg had been K9 but you can't have everything.

We were very relieved to find out that it had in fact come to empty the septic tank, or for those of you who don't believe in these, the sceptic tank.

It's been another glorious day. The male peep is felled once again by high fever, cold and kennel cough so we're giving him a wide berth. The female peep has been gardening so we've been helping - enough said. She showed us how to dig holes -actually between you and us, we think we do it better and we don't need a spade.

51 minutes and 42 seconds to teatime and counting....

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxx

April 8th at 18.54

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus...........................practising for our birthday

It's Fergus the donkey's birthday today and he's seventeen, or so we're told. The female peep reminisced with moist eyes and a whimsical expression how he was born in the field while she was doing ante-natal clinic. Not that she was doing the clinic in the field, you understand....

So this has seemed like an excellent time to have a dress rehearsal for our birthday (which as you all know is only 21 days away -so exciting) and thus the day has been a maelstrom of games, food, sparklers, streamers, a disco, fire-eaters (no, not Ms Vi Merana), naked butlers (no, not Ms Vi Merana), a bbq, a hot tub, chocolate fountain, the biggest pile of sausages in the world, cheese and more cheese, a magician, a ventriloquist and live performances from The Rolling Bones and The Beagles.

Then we woke up and found it was all a dream and all that Fergus had asked for for his birthday dinner was apples and carrots and ginger biscuits. Huh!

But it gives you a taste of what our party will be like.......we've just got to finalise details with the female peep who had suggested something a little less ambitious, but we'll soon talk her round.

More football today. The score was 3 - 0. We burst 3 footballs and Noah didn't burst any. Dogs must be very good at football as so many teams are called Rovers.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS Fergus is the one doing all the hard work.

April 9th at 16.53

The secret diary of Drs Hector and Rufus La Brador -famous French physicians..........................................shhhhhhh

Bonjour, mes amis. Comment allez vous?

We regret to inform our readers that ze male peep 'as taken to his bed. 'E is in ze grip of La Grippe. 'E is unable to take us to ze river, or even pay in ze garden. We must be verrrrrry quiet and not bark, though his barking cough is enough to wake those in ze neighbouring county. (Eeet eees very time-consuming writing like zees, so we will stop as you can get our drift. Just read the rest with a French accent s'il vous plait).

Luckily we have taken to his bed too, as you can see, so he will soon be better, if for no other reason than to get away from us. Last night the combined decibel level of the male peep, Jester and Alfie snoring drove the female peep to the kitchen at 0200 to get some peace and quiet, a cup of tea and a moment to raid the biscuit tin. For one fraction of a nanosecond we were glad we had our own lodgings, though we'd have liked the biscuits -dogestives, they were.

The football score today is 5-0. Five burst footballs to us, nil to Noah. We are getting better.

At tennis today, the female peep learned a new whizzy serve so we have donned our tin helmets, put up the wooden shutters over all the windows and taken cover under the sofa.This is apparently very good for the triceps muscle so she won't have bingo wings, on the right, at least. She played outside and has three inches of suntan where her leggings stopped and socks began. It's not a good look but that'll teach her for going out and leaving us.

Back to our nursing duties.....we may have to call in the vet if there's no improvement.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

April 10th at 21.33

The secret diary of Hector .......................the best black labrador in the class at school

I write alone this evening, having braved the wrath of Ms Vi Merana on my own with the female peep as Rufus had to act as nurse in charge to the male peep. Sadly his illness continues and he has spent the day on the sofa watching rugby. Isn't it a miracle of nature that rugby is available 24 hours a day non-stop? The female peep begs to differ. At one point he was heard to shout abuse at the screen (not words that I would care to repeat as I am a well brought up labrador), which we have interpreted as a sign of improvement. He also managed a small amount of German Shepherd's pie for his supper.

I digress -back to school. Ms Vi Merana was looking stunning this evening in a black velvet evening gown, the edge of which was trimmed with fangs which matched her necklace and earrings. A split up the side revealed a terrifying glimpse of a muscley thigh and I was a little concerned by the plunging back which showed off some definitely evil tattoos and some zebra skin underpants.

After behaving quite well at times ( I couldn't help but be distracted by the new arrivals, Molly and Charlie) I was told the exciting news that I have been moved up a class to the ........wait for it.........ADVANCED class! Yes! Advanced! Oh my.

It was with a heavy heart that I went home and broke the news to Rufus that he had to stay in the remedial class. How he wept. How the male peep, between coughs and splutters, sobbed. The sofa was soaked and Mr Kipling had to inflate Noah's airbed quickly so we could be saved.

Luckily, when the hysteria settled, I was able to say I'd been joking! Rufus is in the advanced class too. But the male peep isn't! Ha ha, yes he is. So we've to do some serious homework cos, if I'm really really good, I might be made a perfect, I mean prefect (though both apply).

Love and licks Hector, potential head boy xxxxxxxx

April 11th at 18.39

The secret medical dossier of Drs Hector and Rufus La Brador (but we're writing in English today)

Patient no 1 -Male peep, age undetermined to avoid embarrassment.

Diagnosis -hand, foot, mouth, shoulder, head, leg and tummy - well let's be honest and just call it all over disease

Presenting symptoms -not wanting to play, unable to go to school, unable to go for a walk, too weak to throw the ball, fever, dripping, hot nose, barking cough (puts us to shame) and lab-oured breathing.

Concerning signs -loss of appetite!

Examination -pale, wan, dog-tired, glued to television, recumbent on sofa.

Treatment -as photo -we sit on him. A little known form of massage which also helps the lab-oured breathing as breathing is impaired totally. No sherry.

Prognosis - should be good if he does as he's told (according to the female peep)

Patient no 2 -female peep, very young, weight 0.5kg less than yesterday (so much running around).

Diagnosis -exhaustion

Presenting signs -never sitting down, back and forth to the barn, to much dog walking (not that this is possible), too much tennis

Concerning signs -is rummaging in the cupboard for wine and Twirl bites

Treatment -much adoration from us and also us not making too much mess for her to clear up. (I wish.....signed female peep)

Prognosis -excellent, because she is female and can multitask from dawn til dusk and beyond.

Jester wanted a photo of her on today, so here she is with Ben.

Love and licks Drs H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

April 12th at 18.00

The secret medical dossier of Dr Rufus and Hector La Brador, still in office, sadly

Today, we have decided to help more, aware that the female peep is by now, crawling around on all fours with an intravenous line in one arm, giving her continuous glucose and vitamins.

Never let it be said that we don't try. We can confirm that we are very trying.

Firstly we helped clear the paddock of rabbits, so the donkeys wouldn't be scared, then we woofed a lot so all the peeps at the holiday cottages next door didn't have a lie in and then we helped muck out. We woke the male peep up next - he was having a snooze after a bad night (the female peep thought the cats were purring loudly but it was the male peep's chest!) and we helped drag him from his bed to the sofa. We had a bit of a row over who should take him the blanket (see video). Ben won ( see separate photo) on the grounds that he is the eldest. You will also see we need a new sofa, thanks to Mr Kipling's and Tilly's need to stretch their claws. Fortunately in this photo, you cannot see that the male peep needs new socks, which of course has absolutely nothing to do with us.

Whoever knew that there were quite so many channels on TV that show sport? And that they are on 24 hours a day? And that the only sportsthey show are football and rugby? A-maz-ing.....There really ought to be a labrador channel -it could be all about food....

Periodically during the day, we've checked the patient's breathing but had to fit that in between fighting the hoover, fighting each other, annoying Mr Kipling, helping change the bedding, going for a wet walk and persuading the female peep that that piece of Brie in the fridge needs eating up quickly....and those sausages.....and that bit of chicken.......we could go on.....

We have had our tea but it's only filled a teeny tiny bit of our stomachs, so please send gravy bones...

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxx

April 14th at 16.47

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus...................given up medicine as the patient was too much of a challenge (though we have written to several highly esteemed medical journals with an article describing his curious illness)

The male peep is still eroding the cushions on the sofa by his constant presence. Last night however he managed a few spoonfuls of clear soup (we boiled up some gravy bones, ate the soggy remnants and served him the liquor) and a soupcon of ice-cream. The female peep offered him eggs and barkon with bro-collie but he said no. There's something mighty serious going on....

We have withdrawn our nursing care from the male peep (what he really needs is a 5 mile walk) and are concentrating on the female peep, who definitely needs guidance. Listen to this -this morning she mucked out, did the haynets, made the invalid's breakfast, went to tennis for 90 minutes, did the shopping (in her tennis skirt- oh lawks), made the lunch, took us for a walk, conjured up a fish pie, during the course of which she let the milk boil over onto the cooker top (despite what we told her about spilt milk, she is still crying), went and bought new donkey food, helped us to do our diary and is about to go and start evening stable duties. She would have finished her work so much sooner if she hadn't had to spend two hours at the police station explaining her tennis skirt.

It is obvious, a simple swap around of her day and things would be so much better. If she omitted tennis and spent longer walking us, it would be soooooo much better. If she stopped feeding the invalid then a) she would have more time to walk us and b) it would encourage recovery as the male peep would have to crawl into the kitchen for food. If she stopped shopping then she'd have more money and we could have an even longer walk!

Everyone wins! Seeeeeemples.

We are wasted, wasted as dogs. We should be politicians.......

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

April 15th at 17.33

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus...........................back in the dog house and we've taken Ben there too.

Oh the humility, the indignity, the disgrace of it all. Forced to wear a pointy hat with a D on it. We hang our heads in shame and beg for forgiveness. Please, please peeps, don't write to Ms Vi Merana and tell her or else we'll be in big trouble.

Of course, D could simply stand for DOG, which would be most helpful to the shortsighted and those from another planet. Sadly though, in this case, it doesn't, it stands for Diabolical, Disobedient, Dreadful, Dismantling, Dissecting and if Ms Vi Merana gets to know - Detention.

It all started when the female peep found our pen full of poisonous green clouds which turned out to be the insides of the only remaining comfy bed. We'd only taken it outside to sit on it but our enquiring minds made us wonder if the insides were the same as the others. They were! But, already tired, she didn't see the funny side. Then we upset a fisherman on our walk. Then we frightened the postman. Then we innocently played crocodiles but fell onto the female peep's lap fracturing both her femurs in several places. Then we had a barking competition -and we mean barking, not baking, though with hindsight should have gone for the latter and then we ate one blanket and a tortoise (a toy, we hasten to add.)

All in all a pretty ordinary day, if you ask us.

Because in our opinion, and we feel you, dear readers will agree, D stands for Delicious, Delectable, Delightful, Deserving of gravy bones.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

April 16th at 19.35

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus...................birthday boys......nearly

Imagine the excitement! We were beside ourselves this morning when the postman came with not one, but TWO parcels. The female peep had to hold them above her head to stop us from getting them because we jumped up and bounced and did twirls and somersaults because we were so happy.

How cruel and fickle fate can be. Our happiness and delight turned to despair. In an instant, hopes were crushed like a worm under a hobnailed boot.

We wept.

The female peep read out who the parcels were for. One for her (huh!) and the other was for Ben and Jester. Neither for us! And it's only 13 days til our birthday.

They opened their parcels. New tennis wear for the female peep -Booooooring! And Jester got a donkey and Ben got a hen -see photos. Jester thinks her gift is eee-yawsome and Ben thinks his is tre-hen-dous.

And as for us, we've been told we're allowed supervised access, which makes us sound like dreadful villains as opposed to young,handsome, intelligent dogs with curious minds.

And as a result, both the donkey and hen are still completely intact and that's after over eight hours in our house!

Thank you to Aunty Gill, Uncle Ken, Billy, Rosie, Murphy and PC -say Jester and Ben.

We say, please send gravy bones, they might cheer us a little.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxx

April 18th at 19.22

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus..............looking good

Goodness us, as the female peep says, it never rains but it paws.

Just as we get the male peep on the mend (he was allowed out for a brief time today with a chaperone in case he collapsed) what happens next? Jo the po(ny) starts limping and Ben has to be rushed to the vet. It is rumoured that we are the vets' favourite customers, but we can't think why.

Getting up this morning, it was obvious that Ben was not himself. He wasn't woofing in and irritating manner and he wasn't jumping up and down, eager to be released from our enclosure. Then he wouldn't play chase round the paddock, choosing to walk in a most peculiar manner - as though he was walking with stiff back legs and on tippy toes. We brushed against him and he fell over!

He was struggling to get up from sitting or lying and wanting to be on his own. Man alive- we've not known this before.

We, of course, were extra bouncy because there was no school last night. The hall had been double booked. What a shame.....Luckily nobody has realised that if you talk down the dog and bone with a soft toy over the receiver, then your voice is virtually unrecognisable and you can pretend to be Mrs Ponsonby-Smythe-Bickerton wanting to book the church hall for a bric-a-brac sale and arouse no suspicion whatsoever.

Poor Ben was off to the vet quicksticks. The working diagnosis is muscle strain and he has to rest. We went for a walk on our own because of this and the female peep says she now knows who is the ringleader and behind all the trouble we get up to because we were as good as gold and behaved like model dogs (apart from losing the ball, rolling in some poo -species unknown- and jumping up at someone when we were wet and they weren't.....well too much of a good thing and we'd be boring).

And as for Jo the Po, well he seems a lot better, so we're keeping our paws crossed on that one.

Only eleven sleeps til our birthday! Almost into single figures. No sign of a cake being made yet, or decorations being put up, or presents being wrapped secretly and then hidden.....

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS -today's competition. Look carefully at the photos as see if you can decide which one is Jo the Po..…

April 19th at 17.58

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus......................on course for a gold award

Yes, peeps, today is a landmark in history. We have been good! Yes, you read that correctly.

Have you regained consciousness? Did the smelling salts work? Right, then we can continue. Actually, now we think about it we'd better discount the fact that we barked all night because Ben slept in the house for medical reasons and we missed him. But once we'd got up, we were paragons of virtue, helping muck out and helping clean the house (we carried the duster, which is now two dusters because we had a slight disagreement over who carried it best).

When visitors called, we sat on their knees and laid our heads on their shoulders (that move got us closer to the biscuits) and did our most labradorable act of rolling on our backs, juggling toys in our paws (please note dog friends - this never fails to produce a few ahs).

We helped put an electric fence across the field and alerted the peeps to 1) a lamb escaping under the gate and 2) Tilly the cat bringing in a lucky rabbit's paw (not very lucky for the rabbit that used to be attached to it).

We found half a jaw bone, complete with teeth in the next door field but left it alone!

Can you believe what you are reading? It's the truth, if very boring.

And now we're just curling up for a snooze on the sofa and the female peep is so shocked, she's reaching for the bottle of wine.

Something tells us that normal behaviour will be resumed tomorrow but maybe not, because it is, after all, only 10 days until our birthday........

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS Ben appears to be restored to rude health. He called us names today! Ha ha!

April 20th at 19.36

Extract from the North Yorkshire Policedog journal.

Editor: Gordon Setter

Features editor: Sal Oooki

Secretary: Minnie Aturepoodle

For all advertisements contact: Si Berianhuski

WANTED -two very naughty puppies who go by the name of Hector and Rufus, or occasionally, to fool peeps, Rufus and Hector.

Crime committed - Escape and making a mess, plus GBH

Last night after having been tucked up in bed, kissed goodnight and given their bedtime gravy bones by their kind owners, these two reprobates repaid the kindness that is bestowed upon them on a daily basis by climbing or jumping over the six foot high fence that surrounds their compound and is adorned with rolls of barbed wire and shards of glass and escaped. More fool them because then it rained and they were out all night because they couldn't get back in. Just after dawn, when the conservatory door was opened to let Jester, a princess who lives at the same house, out to answer a call of nature, the terrible two galloped in and leapt on the bed, leaving muddy pawprints everywhere on the clean bedding and the male peep. Examination by the police surgeon (Jack Russell) revealed widespread bruising, a ruptured spleen, broken heart and sleep deprivation.

There is a reward for their return.

So much for their good behaviour yesterday.

Suggested punishment -no blonde sisters for their birthday and possibly no cake either......

April 21st at 17.3

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus...........................caught!

Dear Readers, we almost made it. With our trusty rucksacks on our backs, which were empty bar a few crumbs and a suitcase in each paw (also empty), we had reached the coast and were about to set sail to France to go to visit Mary, who sounds such a kind and lovely person, we knew we would be safe with her. We had met an old ship's dog, called Captain Pug-wash and he was going to let us stow away in the bowels of a large catamaran (we were worried about this bit; we would have been happier with a dogamaran for obvious reasons) where we would lie low until we reached our destination.

Sadly, the best laid plans...... Caught out by our own greed, our tummies were rumbling which was hardly surprising as that day we had only had fifty four sausages between us, twelve rashers of bacon, a haunch of beef and ten rabbits. A mere snack -not a gravy bone anywhere. So we thought (wrongly as it turned out) that nobody would spot us if we just nipped to the cafe for some rations. Our intentions were good - we wanted to ward off scurvy - for who knew how long our voyage would take - one person we asked said it might be a whole day.

Fighting over a Cornish pasty was our downfall as, totally lost in the moment of which of us should have the crust, we didn't hear the port authorities coming up behind us and snapping on our leads. We writhed and fought, snarled and spat like dogs possessed by the devil, did our best impersonation (hang on, that should be imdogation) of two hounds with La Rage (you see Mary, we've been practising specially). They were on the verge of finding our vaccination certificates but Rufus quickly ate them -too quickly really because he was then sick - so they had to fire tranquiliser darts at us but still we rebelled, using up all our energy, fighting to the last, when we blacked out......and knew no more...... Was this to be our last gasp? Would we not live to see our birthday? What would happen to all that cake? And the presents? Aaaaaaaaaagh -we were unconscious, our short lives rearing up before us as we slipped into blackness.

Oh! The female peep has just come in and read what we've written. She says we've very vivid imaginations for two dogs who haven't been further than Masham (6 miles) today and have we been out in the sun too long and addled our brains? She also feels that Ms Vi Merana might think the essay we've had to write while on holiday is a bit too far-fetched. Huh!

Love and licks H&Rxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS -here's Jo and Indie having a kiss - yuk!

April 22nd at 18.28

Good evening lovely peeps, it's Jester here, bringing some sanity to this page at long last. Being a wise dog of mature years, it was indeed a shock to my system when my peaceful world was invaded by Hector and Rufus. To say that I aged overnight is an understatement.

My daily snoozes were - and still are -interrupted by the sound of crocodile jaws and I have to rush my food to make sure nobody else gets it (though I say so myself, I'm rather good at this.)

Owing to certain medical complaints, one of which is anno domini, I am allowed to sleep in the house with the peeps, so every bedtime, I can blow raspberries at the others as they slink out to the kennel and return to my comfy Joules bed in the warm house. They are a bit miffed at the moment as their central heating has been turned off.

During the night, I am very partial to going out in the garden, where I lie on the lawn, gaze at the stars and ignore the calls of the female peep, trying to coax me back indoors. My selective deafness does mean that on occasion I have sauntered back in and found her asleep on the sofa.

My favourite foods, apart from all the usual are cheese and frozen peas (not cooked), though I am a bit of a gourmet and will try anything.

In my salad days I was a tremendous swimmer and once caught a goose. Nowadays, I don't go for walks because of my arthritis so I miss riding the waves and the feel of feathers in my mouth.

I am posting a video showing you the truth of what I have to put up with. I know you will all feel my pain.

With love and best regards, Jester xxxx

April 23rd at 17.35

Good evening lovely peeps, it's Jester here, bringing some sanity to this page at long last. Being a wise dog of mature years, it was indeed a shock to my system when my peaceful world was invaded by Hector and Rufus. To say that I aged overnight is an understatement.

My daily snoozes were - and still are -interrupted by the sound of crocodile jaws and I have to rush my food to make sure nobody else gets it (though I say so myself, I'm rather good at this.)

Owing to certain medical complaints, one of which is anno domini, I am allowed to sleep in the house with the peeps, so every bedtime, I can blow raspberries at the others as they slink out to the kennel and return to my comfy Joules bed in the warm house. They are a bit miffed at the moment as their central heating has been turned off.

During the night, I am very partial to going out in the garden, where I lie on the lawn, gaze at the stars and ignore the calls of the female peep, trying to coax me back indoors. My selective deafness does mean that on occasion I have sauntered back in and found her asleep on the sofa.

My favourite foods, apart from all the usual are cheese and frozen peas (not cooked), though I am a bit of a gourmet and will try anything.

In my salad days I was a tremendous swimmer and once caught a goose. Nowadays, I don't go for walks because of my arthritis so I miss riding the waves and the feel of feathers in my mouth.

I am posting a video showing you the truth of what I have to put up with. I know you will all feel my pain.

With love and best regards, Jester xxxx

April 24th at 16.54

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus..................back again!

School day and not just any old school day but our first day at senior school! We are very nervous about going in with the advanced dogs and starting our A levels and when the female peep made us try on our uniforms, our hearts fluttered fit to burst. We had thought of taking an apple for Ms Vi Merana but the one and only time we tried that, she made Rufus balance it on his head while she breathed fire over it and practised her cross-bow wow techniques.

We've had a homely day today after our recent adventures and while the female peep scrubbed and dusted, swept and polished, hoovered and mopped, we shouted encouragement and brought her rewards from the garden. The we had a cookery lesson! Some of you may recall the debacle that was pancake day (yes, there is still one pancake on the ceiling showing no signs of loosening just yet). Encouraged by our new ability to make pancakes, we watched with beagle-eyes to find out how to cook cake (licking of lips).

Ingredients are weighed out and parts of them are transferred to a large bowel, er, we mean bowl. The rest are scattered across the worktop and onto the floor. When the chocolate comes out it is apparently vital that you taste every few seconds, to make sure that it's of a good standard, hard enough or soft enough. A big machine mixes everything together and dollops of mixture end up on the walls, the cupboards and on the open page of the recipe book, which means it will never be possible to make this cake again as the pages will be stuck fast for ever more.

An intricate manoeuvre takes place as a cake tin is lined with baking parchment. After six attempts at folding and cutting, the result is five balls of paper screwed up on the floor and one origami crane. Language at this point can be colourful. We pretended to be asleep.

For the sake of one cake, the amount of washing up seems inordinately huge

The female peep was baking for a cake sale tomorrow in aid of SYD - Saving Yorkshire's Dogs -but we see it as excellent practice for our birthday cakes (yes, we are hoping for one each -well, why not?)

Only a very few sleeps to go now.....

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

April 25th at 18.27

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus.................................advanced pupils

How exciting was it for us when we didn't have to go to school until 1945? Up until now we've always gone at 1900h but now that we are in the advanced class, we start later. We watched a room full of tiny puppies, little more than balls of fluff, getting tied up in their leads and tripping their owners over and at the end we were allowed to go in and meet them. Cue Hector falling head over paws for a little black labrador bitch. We were so thrilled that we forgot to set an example to theseyoung things and in fact showed them how NOT to walk to heel but how NOT to listen to your owner.

We were both subjected to a long interview with Professor Belle Jean-Sheppherddog, who had been flown in especially from Italy where he had been psychoanalysing greyhounds, to see if we were ready for the new class. Unfortunately we both passed.

Ms Vi Merana was looking harrassed. Conservatively dressed in what looked frighteningly like a dalmation skin suit (eeeeek? was it a past pupil?) with peplum jacket, a red leather fascinator and a pair of Jimmy Chows with eight inch heels, she even threatened us with a dunce's cap before we'd even started.

It's going to be hard work. We have our leads taken off but then still have to walk next to the peeps, sit, go down and stand when told. We had to balance plastic footballs on our noses, do advanced algebra and macrame, which is very hard when you have paws.

We were very stressed and tired when we got home and you should just see how much homework we've got to do.....

A word about our lovely Jester....this morning she wanted to go for a walk. She's not shown the slightest interest in this for weeks but today, she was out to the car and wanted to be lifted in. She managed about 100 metres then ran into the river and had a little swim with a look of perfect bliss on her beautiful features. It did take her 20 mins to get back to the car as she had to keep stopping for a rest but we were so proud of her that she deserves a mention.

16.40h - time to start cranking up the annoyance factor to make sure we get our tea at 17.00.

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS parcels arrived today - addressed to us! Yey! They have been hidden. Boo!

April 26th at 18.57

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus.....................a tiny bit scared

We got up, ran round the field, jumped over a five bar gate and thought to ourselves - it's going to be another good day. No sooner had we helped with breakfast (eating it, that is), we were bundled into the car and off for a swalk. Fabulous on a sunny day.

But when we got back what earth was happening? The female peep deeply and then went and dressed in overalls, mask with oxygenattachment, hi-viz vest in case she needed rescuing, plutonium -resistant gauntlets, hard hat and galoshes. She doesn't usually dress like that to do the housework or mucking out. It didn't take long for our lightning-fast brains to work out that something special was about to occur.

As we watched her get into her outfit, we ruminated on what she might be going to do. We know you love a quiz, you dear readers of ours so see if you can work this one out. We'll give you some options, it might be a close call between some of them but let's see.

Was she

A) going to a fancy dress party?

B) simply cold and wrapping up in more clothes,but this was all she could find?

C) going to spring clean the male peep's office? (remember some peeps have been lost in there for decades and are still trying to find their way out....)

D) off to wash the car?

E) off to play tennis?

F) going to clean out our kennel?


G) does she always dress like this?

Not as obvious as you might first think......we think you might be baffled.

A piece of our birthday cake (that's if we get one) to the winner....

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxx

April 27th at 19.06

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus...............very nearly ONE YEAR OLD and thus should know better....

Only two sleeps to go! And if we stay awake all tonight chewing our beds then there it's only one sleep but that would mean we would be very tired and unable to enjoy our special day to the full, which would never do as we intend to party all day long.

As yet there are no signs of baking (boo), no clandestine rustlings of wrapping paper (boo), no bunting, no nothing. Huh! All we have is a spanking clean kennel for .....yes..... the answer to yesterday's quiz was F. This was the female peep before she disappeared into our now cold and frosty kennel (they've turned off the central heating would you believe? We couldn't actually see what she was doing for the dust, fur and bits of bedding that were being thrown out of the door and our attempts to help were clearly not welcome. She finally emerged in time for tea (it was just after breakfast when she went in there), unrecognisable (even more so) as she was covered with cobwebs.

We had to have a bath and put on clean pyjamas last night because it was so tidy and the female peep had to have intravenous wine and ice cream to resuscitate her.

And it was still spotless this morning apart from the next two pieces of vet bed which we have chewed to smithereens, intending to make a jigsaw but ending up just making a mess.

For those of you who interestingly thought she might be dressed like that to muck out the male peep's study......ha ha, don't be silly! Even industrial cleaners won't go in there and Jester tells us that a visitor went in there nine years ago and hasn't been seen since. When the male peep goes in there, the female peep ties a rope around his ankle so she can haul him out again for the next meal.......

Tea time -whoopppeeeeee!

Love and excited licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

April 28th at 16.58

The secrete dairy of Hcetor and rfusu ---------so excited our paws are a-tremble and we can't type properly!

We think, we hope that this recent batch of cooking might be the beginning of our birthday preparations.

Another parcel arrived today addressed to us in North Yorkie-shire, so clearly there is a kindred spirit out there. Then the female peep went on a mission to Pets at Home and came back with lots of bags, none of which wriggled at all, so sadly, no sign of the blonde sisters as yet.......

We have been perfectly behaved today, okay, well nearly, as we're not taking any chances about tomorrow.

How lovely would it be if the royal baby arrived on our birthday? We think the names Prince Rufus or Princess Hectorina have a lovely ring to them -serious, traditional but with just a hint of the modern.

Weren't we tiny?

Oh, we can't write any more now -there's bunting going up! This is just too, too exciting. But we'll still be able to eat our tea.

More tomorrow!

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxx

April 29th at 18.05

The secret diary of Hector and Rufus who are proud to announce that we are one year old today!

What a day. A real red setter, or do we mean red letter day.

Rufus was sooooo excited that he jumped out of the kennel during the night, ignoring all the improved fortifications and also ignoring the fact that it was raining heavily and then had to sit on the doorstep until the peeps got up, by which time he was wet through. He gave the female peep such a loving welcome when she heard his cries and opened the door that she almost forgave him for leaving muddy paw marks all over her pristine, just washed white dressing gown (well, I mean what was she thinking having a white dressing gown).

We couldn't wait to have breakfast and get the mucking out done so that we could get on with the more important issues of the day -our presents! Look how lucky we are. So many presents and cards. Some already unrecognisable! And we've got big dogs' bowls which must mean that we get more food! We can't wait to try the bedtime biscuits from Aunty Helen, which promise to calm us down for good night's sleep. The female peep says she is going to eat them if they don't work for us....

We had a birthday walk and then birthday snooze, then birthday crocodiles con brio. We refused to pose for official birthday photos.

And now we're about to have cake! Such a fabulous day!

But the best thing of all is that the female peep says we've been so very good today that we can have another birthday in a year's time.

Sending you all some cake........

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS no sign of Princess Hectorina or Prince Rufus....shame. We were ready to send him/her some cake too, and some for the corgis, of course

April 30th at 21.05

The secret diary of one year old and one day Hector and Rufus

We were quite overcome by all the cards, presents and messages we received on our birthday and thank everyone most sincerely from the bottom of our hearts. We hardly pawsed for a moment during our exciting day and were so worn out by the end (either that or we were weighed down by the female peep's cake) that we trotted off to our kennel, without our sedative biscuits and slept all night. Sounds implawsible but it's true. The only things missing were two little blonde sisters......who sadly never materialised. We had left notes, hints, dressed up in blonde wigs, unravelled the toilet roll but all to no avail. We haven't given up hope though.

But we were up and bouncing with the lark this morning and have assumed our new role of grown up dogs with aplomb and lasted a whole thirty one seconds before we decided we preferred being puppies. So we ate couple of our new toys and dug some holes and attacked the peeps' bedcovers.

There is one sad event to recount. It is with the deepest regret that we have to announce that the female peep, in her enthusiasm to get to her tennis lesson RAN OVER one of our new, large dinner bowls and it now resembles a work of modern art and will never be a bowl again.Sob, sob, sob, we'd only had two meals out of it.

We are looking forward to school tomorrow, because we have a secret plan! We will tell you more very soon.

Here are some before and after photos of us. Who would've thought we'd turn out like this?

Love and licks H&R xxxxxxxxxx